Reason to live on

Your life becomes worthwhile when you start living for someone else.I know that i have a meaning in ma life,which is defined by living for ma parents and brother.Whenever i feel life is unfair ,the thing that helps me to spring back to life is ma parents.The love within helps me to be a better human being.Everyday i wake up hoping to see ma parent's face and i feel lucky enough to be under their arms.Sometimes i feel quite lost,loosing all ma will to live on but,the fear of missing the ones i love, ones i hold so dear pulls me back.To be honest, ma life is bonded and i don't want anything that will disturb the balance within.I know that I'm living for the right reasons and for the right people.Its a long road ahead and i may find yet another reason to live on.......

Elusive Love

I really liked the quote from Nobel prize winning poet, sir Rabindhranath Tagore’s work.
A poet falls deeply in love with an average looking girl. The girl fears that being so ordinary; he may have to repent after his marriage with her .She tells the poet that he should get married to another girl, a friend of hers, who is also deeply in love with him. In his way, she will continue to be his elusive dream.” An unfulfilled dream is the spring of poetic imagination”.
Does one afford to be so sacrificing when it comes to love? I’m not so sure. What if I am average looking? .The only thing that matters is ma heart. The maximum that can happen is that the other person may reject me but, it won’t be end of life right?. At least I will be happy that I got rejected after letting the person know about ma feelings and if he still rejects that’s his lose not mine. And he doesn’t deserve ma love. The real love is beyond appearances and boundaries but, most of us are so conscious that we refuse to come out and accept the unacceptable. Our life is dictated by various factors and looks is one of them .I have had heated debates on this particular topic many times. Ma idea and concept of beauty is something different from others not, all agree to ma point that all of us are different so, are our choices. Most important, its not outer beauty that matters but, the light within.

Truth lies

There were many instances where i knew that my decisions were not right but,neither did i have the courage to change the decision nor, did i have the courage to explain my actions.In the long process of wrong judgements iv lost so much.

Today it proved yet again that I'm so bad with things.Invited to ma classmate's sisters wedding,i failed to show up while all ma buddies did.The reason-"DRESS CODE".All of us were asked to wear Saree-the traditional kerala attire.Well as a matter of fact, i don't know how to wear one and depended heavily on ma mother.I expected her to help me out.As it turned out ,mom had to leave early to the hospital, leaving with no other option other than to try wearing Saree ma self.With no previous experience(i have worn Saree 3 times till now but,that's all thanks to ma mother and friends).Well i struggled with the Saree one hour .While i tucked in one end the other end came off.It was a mess.After all that confusion dad got pretty angry "why can't you learn how to wear a Saree?".Good question but,the sticky part is"who will help me to learn?".

But, i could have gone to the wedding wearing something else Na?.How can i?.While everyone will look their best i don't wanna end up looking like a dwarf in wrong clothes.My ego was not ready to give in at that point of time.I feel so down.....not for the fact that i couldn't' go but,because of my wrong decision some of ma close pals wont turn up either.I'm piling up big chunks of lies one over other.The reason i gave for not turning up was a "lie".I know i did a bad thing but,can't help it.I have been planning for this day for the past 2 weeks and it turned out this way.I really am angry with ma self ............really............really...............

Let the celebrations begin

Celebrations are short lived.The moments of victory is to be celebrated for you can't always expect a second chance.I think i missed the whole celebration today when ma house SPARTANS lifted the overall sports trophy.It was an effort from the part of many to take the team to victory.None of ma classmates including me deserve to be mentioned in the thank you speech as our role in the victory is almost Nil.Well no one wants to put their heart and soul out but, everyone would like to taste the wine of success.For the people who work without hoping for the rewards are left out.That is something that i despise and don't approve of.Everyone, especially deserving candidates should not be left out .As far as i see, there won't be a fair chance of happening so.

Six yards

For students like me the only thing that brings us back to the roots is the Saree that we occasionally wear during any special ceremony.The Saree culture is declining,owing to the minuses that it have accumulated over ages.

1.Discomfort-it extremely difficult to walk wearing a Saree.The biggest nightmare is that of stepping over your Saree .The whole thing can come off.

2.Time-it takes almost an hour for amateur like me to wear a Saree of my own.

3Exposure-If you are a first timer then make sure you wear the Saree properly for its vulnerable to exposure.

All these fact makes the Saree ,not gal's best friend but, a nuisance.Guy's may not agree with me but,one thing for sure ....Saree makes a woman dashing and elegant.The six yards wonder is here to stay for long years to come.

Super Mom

The only thing i hate about mom getting sick is that, the entire show of running the household chores will fall upon the tender shoulders of the second lady in the house.That's ME!!!!.That one day,i thank god for making ma mom a supermom.The way she juggles between family,friends and job can give even the authors of time management books a run for their money.At 43, she runs all over the house to keep our things in place.To live by each of our(Dad,Me and Bro)'s choice is extremely difficult.With our each new demands she manages to deliver .Even after a these household chores she works around 6 hours a day in the hospital.No wonder why i call her supermom.I may never grow up into a successful wife,mother or daughter like her but,i always try not to let her down.

To build a team.............

Responsibilities are something that i don't mind taking.But ,most of the time they start dictating ma life to a point where i start wearing out.I always find ma self trapped in ethical questions where i have to choose between ma friends and ma own self.Arts in the college is surely turning out into a messy affair.It all began with helping out the official representative,it later turned out into a full time job with me handling the literary section.Ma parents feel that as I'm not the one to be doing the round the clock job searching for the candidates,informing them and stuff .But,how can i go to ma friend and say"hey i can't help you out". Its just not possible.What hurts me most is the fact that the person for whom i am doing this is taking a nap from her responsibilities.Even ma close friends feel its time to stand up and say"enough".I can easily break ma self away but, i can't turn out on people who trust me with the job.Its a team work and its not only about me but, all of the team.I'm pretty sure that as long as no one comes forward to help the people who are sacrificing their sleeps over arts ,the entire team is gonna suffer.Its not the loss of an individual but, an entire team.Its a tough choice to decide whats right but, i have to do it for ma team.

19+1=20!!!!!

Everyone seemed to remember ma birthday but, not ma parents who actually forgot what day it was.Well, if you ask me it felt quite bad but,i think i can get over this.The day went like any other day without much events.As this was the starting day of the sixth semester the class was kind of empty.I was enjoying a ride back home and some little bit of shopping in the evening.Treat??????that was something everyone was bothered about.As two of ma best pals went missing i had to postpone it to date, much to the frustration of others.Three of us friends went into a restaurant only to end up paying individual bills and a smirk on their face.The funny part is, some of ma old pals rang me up without even knowing the day's significance.Well ma parents don't know till now that their daughter is officially 20 today.Someone please remind them. Yet another day and its just me but,I'm one year older.

SAlsA plEAse

I know that i am a bad dancer and ma bro just keeps on reminding me the fact that ma feet's are meant for walking not,dancing.When i saw Antonio Bendares staring movie in HBO today morning i had this urge to dance.From the time the movie got over i wanted to dance and that too SALSA!!!!!!!!!!.As salsa is a pair dance i wanted someone to pair with.Knowing ma experience in dancing all ma family members just refused,finally ma bro agreed and we started to dance to the tune of Enamorado De Ti. Well,I was going on spinning.Finally ma grandma made me stop ma spinning spree when she thought i would fall of somewhere.If that wasn't humiliating enough ma bro openly declared how bad i was as a dancer.For those who don't know about salsa's history here's some tiny bit of information.

The history of "Salsa" dance is peppered with hearsay and contradiction. Although few would disagree that the music and dance forms originate largely in Cuban Son, most agree that Salsa as we know it today is a North American interpretation of the older forms. New York's Latino community had a vibrant musical and dancing scene throughout the '50s but found limited success with the 'Anglo' mainstream. In the 1970s, adoption of the term "Salsa" reduced the linguistic and cultural barriers to mainstream adoption of Latin music and dance.
The modernization of the Mambo in the 1950s was influential in shaping what would become salsa. There is debate as to whether the dance we call Salsa today originated in Cuba or Puerto Rico. Cuba's influence in North America was diminished after Castro's revolution and the ensuing trade embargo. New York's Latino community was largely Puerto-Rican. Salsa is one of the main dances in both Cuba and Puerto Rico and is known world-wide.

These are some famous SAlsa tunes that you can dance
1
Me Tiene Loco (She's Driving Me Crazy) - Puerto Rican Power.This song is great to dance to and the lyrics are perfect because he's talking about how totally in love he is with his woman who's driving him nuts, and all he does is think about her... her beauty, "whenever she looks at me, she ties me up in knots".

2
Enamorado De Ti (I'm in Love with You) - Fuerza JuvenilHe's expressing how much he's in love with her. A really sappy love song -- "Both of us are going to grow old until the end of our lives".
3
Amor Lunatico (Crazy Love) - Giro"Oh my god, you're so beautiful, I saw a flower and I thought about you...It's the truth, what can I do... I can only think about you..." need we say more...
4
He Tratado (I Tried)- Victor Manuelle.He's trying to forget about her through another girlfriend, but he can't forget about how much he loves her, and she's already with another man.... "I'm happy that you're happy, but your happiness hurts me -- how can you forget about what we have?"
5
Una y Mil Veces (A Thousand and One Times) - Jerry Rivera"A thousand and one times, I''ll love you, a thousand and one times, I'll sing to you. This song will reach you wherever you are.

6
Una Aventura (One Adventure) - Grupo Niche"Life is sweet and with you on ma side its sweeter
6
Pena de Amor (The Pain of Love) - Puerto Rican Power.This song is about a guy-friend who tells the woman that she's got to learn how to forget about her ex-boyfriend; OR it's her boyfriend who's reminding her to get over her old boyfriend.
7
Bombon de Azucar (Lollipop with Sugar) - Charlie CruzA totally happy love song -- "He couldn't believe how his life has changed now that she is part of his life".
8
Mi Reina (My Queen) - Manole Another really happy and fun song to dance to. He treats her like a queen -- "she's the one I love, she's one I adore..."

Loving him more........

Sometimes we speak the unthinkable,without considering the mental state of the listener,Only to realise later that the damage is already done.One feels bad,curse oneself,give million sorries but, words don't die out easily.

Few days before ,after seeing ma room in a mess dad started shouting at me.I was so irritated at that point that i shouted back"Just leave me alone".After ma outburst dad with his Waverly sound spoke"I don't have any peace at office,construction place.I come back tired and just look at the support i get from ma family".The next day both of us forgot about the incident.

Yesterday i went with dad to the construction site and i really appreciate him for keeping his nerves even during the most adverse situation.If i would have been in in his position ,by this time i would have gone mad.We got the required stuffs after searching through the city for about 4 hours.He went back to office at 1:00pm after 24 back to back duty.I don't know thinking back i think i did the wrong thing, shouting at dad.The sense of self realisation struck me hard that he is doing so much,sacrificing his comforts just for the family.

Its for me to realise that and behave accordingly.I am trying hard not to hurt him in any ways.Its like loving him more after that incident.

"LOVE YOU DAD"

What do u want 2 teach me today?

I’m not that good with small children. Yesterday ma neighbor came in with a request I couldn’t refuse. She wanted me to look after her one and a half year old son Achu .Considering the fact that ma interaction with ma neighbors is confined to one sentence in a week ,I’m quite a stranger to Achu. Whenever he sees me, he gives me a cute smile and hides behind his mother. Armed with ball in one hand and a toy car in other he wanted to play football first. May be his ignorance due to the fact that I’m a girl who doesn’t even know how to kick a ball properly he refuse to give me the ball initially but, slowly we were plying catch-catch. After running behind the ball for 30 minutes he was done with football and wanted to play with his little tricycle. I was so tired running after him that ,I sat on the bench to catch some fresh air .Achu came running and offered a ride on his tricycle back home. Considering the size of that thing I refused. In between I had to give him water, actually make him drink, solve his fights with the elder kids. What made the whole experience a memorable one is the lessons he taught me

~Whole lots of patience
~Multitasking
~Most importantly to enjoy whatever
When his mother came to pick him up he made me promise that I will be back in the grounds today.

Just 4 the sake of a dream

Certain dreams are worth dying for while certain others are worth living for. Last day when I went to see the architect he put in ”You know your parents want the house to be constructed just as given in the elevation. They are not ready for any compromises” well. I said ”They have put their entire life savings, efforts and most important their dreams into building this new house. They just don’t want any alteration in their dream. Me and ma bro may be ready to take risks but ,dad and mom’s experience had made them wise .At this age they want to play it safe.
Its just that this particular dream is something that ma parents have natured for along time. Tough it is the second house in construction ,but their enthusiasm and spirit never die cold. It let me into a thinking process. Why such fuss about a dream?
This is what ma brother had to say ”For any idea to come into existence first it has to be dreamt of .Only dreams can later transform into action .Without dreams and hopes ,this world would have been long before become non-existent .Dreams are a source of inspiration”
May be he is true after all. May be I should
“DREAM BIG”

Watch out..........

Just watch out the amazing performance of the vadhyamellam .This video was taken during the temple festival.

Sunday

Not ma day actually.The lazy Sunday,when all one wishes for is a hot cup of tea and whole lot of relaxation.To ma own surprise got up so late that i had to rush through the stuff mom had asked me to do.When i went in to study, found that i was missing some of the papers.When i went in the kitchen to make some tea i realised that i was short of milk.Afternoon i jumped into correct the leaky tap and i was drenched in water.And then the usual clash with mom.Today was not ma day.

???

I’m moving away from everything that I once loved, everything that I believed about friendship .I see ma self as stranger trapped in ma own story .Never did I attend any of the messages or attend the calls from ma friends today. The desire to move away from strings attached is gripping me harder .I just want ma space and I'm not ready to compromise. I’m sick of acting as if am cool with people's view .Its just not fair to put so much pressure on me to behave in a way everyone wants .May be I won’t be popular after ma new decision .Who cares? .Why should I care for those who don’t care about me? These are some of the messages I received today.

AFS: What do you mean to me? From today I won’t expect anything from you.

NIV: Some relations are beyond words. You were one such me and still you are? What about you? Hah?

And there goes some more………..
Am just irritated the way things are going for me right now .Let it be the way it is. I’m ready to take the whole responsibility.

Temple festival........

These are some pics taken during our temple fest.......pretty colourful .........The best part ...elephants........i just love them ..........

For all wrong reasons.........

I am not a hard core cricket enthusiast .I never watch the game at a stretch, even when ma country is playing. But, as a patriot I can’t seem to ignore the events that took place in the Sydney test .What exactly went wrong? Who should be blamed for team India’s 122 run’s loss?
1. Umpires Mark Benson and Steve Bucknor?
2 .Australian team itself?
Ricky Ponting and his men pulled up all the dirty tricks up their sleeves to get team India down. These are some of the events of the test match that will go down the history books for all the wrong reasons.

DAY1: Though Andrew Symonds (30) edged Ishanth Sharma to Dhoni, Bucknor remained unmoved .Symonds went on to score 162.
DAY4: Mike Hussey clearly edged RP Singh to Dhoni but, umpire favored the Aussies.
DAY5: Bucknor gave Rahul Dravid caught behind of Symonds despite the ball missing the bat.
Benson checked with the captain himself before giving Ganguly caught behind, though catch appeared to have come of the ground.
Bhajji falsely accused by Ponting n co for racial remarks.
Their attitude and behavior were not that of world champions but, that of third rate tacticians’ .At least gully cricket is played with much better sports man spirit than yesterday’s game.
Umpiring isn’t an easy job. To make mistake is human but continuous mistake in such crucial game is so uncalled of. Okay leave it why wasn’t the third umpire consulted whenever a case odd doubt was put in. Instead listen to the irony, whom does the umpire listen to? The biggest cheater Ponting. MR. Bucknor….even experience can cheat. You ought to go home and play with your grandchildren.
Millions of people in India are outraged not because our country lost but for the fact that we went down for all wrong reasons.

We are behind you team India
“Chakde India”

Thinner ME!!!!!!

The only thing that ma relatives keep raving about for the past few weeks is " thinner me!!!".I paste a surprised look on ma face and say"really?".Not as if don't know the reason.All no thanks to ma diet regime, hardly i have 3 meals per day as i used to.Its always no appetite that's playing a spoilsport.The only time i have ma food is at 6:pm.Ma parents keep on wondering"how do yo manage to stay alive?".I donno...........I am not doing this to reduce ma waist line or in the hope of getting skinny like a supermodel.Its just that ma body refuses to have food or sometimes I'm just too lazy to get up from the couch and go into the kitchen to have ma food.I think i can link this sudden disinterest in food with the holidays where all i get to do is to stay at home.I need to change ma eating habits before i land up in hospital.

New year resolutions

New Year resolution for me is a self made promise that may be broken at the mid year. This time I didn’t want the history to repeat so, I took time before coming up with two things that need urgent attention .Finally, here is ma new year resolution.

1. NO MORE ADVICES
The world is wise and matured enough to choose its own destiny. Doesn’t need any of ma advises or yelling at to make it more worse for people to live in .Its an attitude that can get on peoples nerves and I desperately need to mend ma ways.

2. NO FORCED RELATIONS
Okay this is much easier. This year no ringing up old pals and saying ”hay or bye”
.As I have mentioned earlier in ma entries, for maintaining any relation an effort ought to be there from both sides. Otherwise its just one man attempt to make things worse .If a relation is meant to doom let it be. There will be no effort from ma part to maintain any

There goes ma new year resolutions…….Hoping for a great year ahead.

The year that was.............

The year ahead..........2008..........lots of challenges,lots of patience,lots of surprises........that's what is awaiting me.........if i look back to the bygone year....it was full of mixed emotions............some good stuff and some bad..............the best part of 2007????????ma new pals..............they make up ma life now.............I'm looking forward for a year full of joy and happiness............

The journey from 31-12-06 to 30-12-07

I really found ma dairy entry for the date 31-12-06 very interesting………..
31-12-06

Some things are better expressed in silence………..Being able to speak one’s mind out is the best thing to have happened to humans. But, at times it’s a curse more than a boon. So many emotions go astray……….that we hardly think before we speak. Words are a good healing source. So, are they root of all troubles……..when we speak out blindly it may hurt the person on the other side of the lane. What I mean is not that there’s no honest words left but ,is to evolve a process to open and close the Pandora’s box {mouth} without affecting anyone’s life. My frankness has come under fire so many times usually on occasions when I was expected to give a sugary speech ……which ends up in a bitter truth…….Whenever I have the urge to spit out the truth I restrain ma self keeping in mind the complex nature of human emotions………people who frequently appreciate openness in other’s comments are much more prone to sentimental attack than people who care less. I would never advocate speech measurement in daily life especially in midst of family and friends where you are expected to listen ,and speak out the truth….no matter what life moves on…..next time peek into your buddy’s mind before you speak out the truth………..

30-12-07

May be the one year experience has changed me a lot.........I'm no longer known for ma frankness..........instead for ma diplomatic approach..............Its hard still i know ma way around people...............ways of life................no matter what life moves on............

Black and White

When someone else destiny is resting upon your shoulders…….you start feeling like lots of pressure rested upon…………when your decision start dictating someone else’s life……….people expect you to make no mistakes……………its sometimes nerve wrecking. Most of the times if something goes wrong………..they blame it on your wrong decisions………..people expect us to be super humans or so…………..as iv said I never regret any of ma decisions in the past………but ,I would like to change an incident if given a chance………..I just don’t want to appear as if am selfish or so………..its for a friend……I think here too ma selfishness is dictating in its own terms… for a friend…..who should have had course of his life altered if not for ma stupid decisions…………every day I wake up brushing of ma past…………but, its just refusing to let go………….every time I see his face, the past comes hunting………the person in question has never ever blamed me for any of the incidents……….he says” it had to happen…….. if not you being the reason someone else…thank goodness its you because, I don’t feel bad” …that particular incident and the nightmares after ,changed ma life for good….it led to the shaping of a whole new me………..I may be never able to forgive ma self but, I will have to stand up and take responsibility………….for its just ma ego that destroyed a bright future……….

Can't wait any longer.........

Can't wait any longer for the party to get over...........had enough of gulping down the cakes.......not one not 2 but almost 12................Am i getting little bulky?yup think so.............but i love the festivities.........the joyful mood.........the feeling of togetherness............i guess the new year will have a lot in store for me..........

My first romantic poem............

My first romantic poem at the age of 14..............dedicated to ma friend Neethu on whose request I wrote this..........

Every time i felt like saying,

oh!what is happening?

my heart was over flowing with purity

beating still more fastly.

Each beat in a rhythmic way,

It hit my heart,a ray

Beginning of a new page it was

bearing of a new mass.

I still don't understand

the feelings underneath

I forgot time

the spring is here

but my heart is still bare

I lost its key it seems,

oh! sun beams

did you find a way to enter?

into my frozen heart

A missing link,

and i started calculating in pink

the love shared

with someone who never dared

to tell me the truth

At last i found the answer,

lying inside deeper.

It was my heart beeping

every time i saw myself weeping

And like a white feather

i will float in the sky

till someone holds me tight

by his might

I will wait

wait till that day

when my hearts key will be found

by someone I LOVE!

If tomorrow never comes...................

If i knew it would be the last

time that i see you fall asleep,

i would tuck you in more

tightly and pray

If i knew it would be the last time

that i see you walk out the door,

i would give you a hug and a kiss

and call yo back for one more

so hold your loved ones close today,

whisper in their ears,

Tell them how much you love

and you always hold them dear,

Take time to say "I'm sorry",

"please forgive me","thank you",

or"its okay",

And if tomorrow never comes,you'll

have no regrets about today

-Author Unknown

Words..............

"..........they told me

they' useless,sore

too dark,too crude,

too misplaced in time

so i dipped my pen in spirit

and soaked my words in wine......"

What if all the words in this world go missing.One fine day you wake up and find all the words lost.Then?????

Most of the problems cease to exist........no fighting ,no quarrels ,no explanations.................

But, imagine the situation of a gal who is waiting to propose her loved one.............imagine her having to do all that sign language thing.Imagine the situation of a mother waiting to hear her baby speak his/her first word.Right now I'm devoid of any words...............in ma world all the words are lost............forever...........

GiFt

The best gift you can give someone is your time,

when you give someone your time ,

you are giving them a part of your life,

which cannot be reclaimed.

Im too complicated for you..............

Stay away!!!!!!!!!!

Don't come any closer

for I'm too complicated for you...........

I have been over and under trying to mend the barriers...........but, the distance seems larger by each passing day.Can i do any justice to ma own feelings????? why am i branded wrong???????

Its just that the feelings can't be kept subsided for long.Yesterday, i felt like keeping ma head buried under the pillow and cry out loud .......but,i couldn't. Instead i sat there emotionless staring at ma engineering maths test .At one point i even wondered "which one is more heavy the book or ma heart?".I should have told ma issues to someone ....at least ma parents........issues that has been the reason for ma constant emotional imbalance.But, what if they just rub it of?.I can't bear further complications .Too much is too much.........I have been pulling ma self up and then it all shatters back ,spreading out............I'm locking ma self out from everyone......i know it won't do any good......but, why should i transmit the pain to someone else............no i won't.... i will go through this of ma own..............right now i think its better to write the feelings down rather than torture someone with ma complain spree........that's why i say

" stay away

dont come any closer

for im too complicated for you"

A Walk To Remember.........

I don't remember the colours

I don't remember the new faces

that have invaded the old ones.

I don't remember the changes bygone

But,i do remember the scent of the chalk powder

the sound of the bell

bustling labs

It was a walk to remember

by product of past

I was at ma bro's school to get his progress report

the school,that was mine

the school ,where i spent better part of ma life

the school where i learned the lessons of life

Suddenly everything seems new

long 3 years................

I have lost all ma pasts

still i took a walk through the

corridors

I could feel ma self,ma stories at every corner

the auditorium, standing on the podium where

i gave ma farewell speech.......

Clutching ma brother's progress report

in one hand

i made the exit through the gates

silently i said to ma self

"wish i would have never grown up

a walk to remember

down the memory lanes"

Back To Ma Roots

I was really touched by something that my brother wrote in his book.It goes like this

"Sometimes our life is too short to let the ones we love know that we really care"

Not something that i expected ma brother to write in......he may be right in his own sense.............its strange what i wrote beneath.........

"Not late.....let the one know that

you really value that person

before life takes you

to a new place where feelings

are lost for ever"

I still don't know why i chose to write something like that.I found a note on ma desk today morning .The shabby handwriting-no doubt ma bro.......

"thanks ................love you"

I really don't know in what way i helped him .Still really it left an impact on me.I took time off today to spent quality time with ma parents.It did touch ma heart.......thanks bro for getting me back to ma roots

Relationships don't work..............

How to prioritise relation?????????it gets so frustrating when one is in no man's land..............iv tried and tried.............the issues get more complicated when one of your friend can't stand the other.......then one is left with no other choice other than to choose.............iv tried spending quality time with both ma pals..........dint work out the way i wanted..............all iv been hearing for the past one week is"you were not there when i needed you"..........so where was i ?? if not with both of em'.................i can't understand.................i need some peace of mind really,..............

Movements

The moving river

that flows by its principle

never deviates from path followed

The moving leaves

that live by sacrifice unique

looks out into a better tomorrow

The moving clouds

that race past the sky

shows the true spirit of sedate

The moving wind

that spreads fragrance around

wishes to spread a smile

The moving fire

that symbolises determination

burns every obstacle in its path

Life is full of movements

that shows us the way of life

Movements of nature

that's truly beyond human imagination..............

Life Beyond.....

What i really need is some peace of mind............i know its hard to find any...... still...............just a break from ma daily routine of hurry Barry to little more relaxing one................when i tend to loosen up....ma consciousness comes back hunting.............do i have a life beyond this?????????i doubt............its hard how i multitask things, sometimes missing out.................even that is not pardoned............I'm expected to behave like a zombie................I'm sick of all this..........when will i get a break from ma complaining spree????????................not in near future i suppose................

Lost Soul...............

Don't feel like writing................all the words are getting locked up in ma mind.............feels like iv got long way to go...............sense of insecurity,frustration and anger filling up............i know it won't do any good ........as i don't know the source of ma problems.............i cannot connect with ma self......the soul is lost................iv got a different person residing within me.............n i cant seem to understand that person.................m.............have to go on............pull up ma life..............try picking up the lost bits................

Six Degrees

If not for the people around me i would have lost ma dreams and the will long before.At each stage of ma life i had people ,giving me a hand to hold on to and i can't thank them enough.

There are many things in life that we aren't comfortable discussing with parents cause they will never understand the seriousness and will rub it of as teenage drama.U can never expect them to view the world through your eyes...never!!!!!!!!

In school i just couldn't live without ma pals Appu ,Radhu, Riya, Ancy ,Mandoo, Sammy, Ruchi, Afthu n Jeebs.Some have changed with time while some refusing to...... with turning tides.They have been ma world.We were bunch of kids living life in our own terms.We enjoyed every second of school life without compromising on our principles.

College is sooo .......different from the tiny little shell that i believed to be "my world".Its lots of new experience that awaited me in college.Niv,Smi,Anu..... the ones that makeup ma life.Not everything is smooth as it seems..... playing the role of a mediator can sometimes burn all the emotions within.Lots of compromises ,lots of patience and hell lots of open mindedness :essentials for a a successful relation.But, sometimes i feel quite lonely as if iv been surrounded by people but no one to understand.

That's were Rahul ,Appu,Govind and Afsal comes in......the kind of emotional support that i receive helps me to sail through rough seas .Iv discovered the true essence of being there without always being there from them.

I have still 1 more year to going college and still lots more to in ma life.New people coming in and old ones moving out .........widening ma network of friends each day. May be that's what is meant by

"there is only 6 degree difference between any of us"

Giru................

Expecting to find the regular room of a 19 year old???????you are in for a surprise............ma room is worse than the pinky dreams of a five year's bed room..............iv adorned ma bedroom walls with latest toon characters ranging from sakura to dennis.............and on ma bed you will find a special person.............he has been a part of ma life for the past 4 years..............for people around me its just a lifeless toy but, if you ask me he is much more than a regular stuffed toy-giru: ma pet giraffe.........he doesn't anywhere look like a giraffe........he is more of a clone between a dog and a giraffe................the only thing that reminds you of the fact that he is a giraffe is the pattern all over his body.............he has been the force and inspiration,a person who i know will never shout back when I'm angry,never back out when I'm sad...............he knows me much better than ma parents..........what if he ever comes to life??will he express all his anger and frustration??????or will he give me that same look he gives me always when I'm down...............to be frank I'm too possessive about him and i don't like anybody even patting him....call it the arrogance or childishness of a 19 year old ,refusing to grow up..............ma parents and off course ma brother thinks it just too much to let giru sit calmly on ma bed............ma mother often reminds me:"you will get married in next five years....will you take him along with you????" off course i will........i cant even imagine a life without giru................for he is everything that i have..........

Distance..........

Some relations are driven by distance and conversations.When the conversation ends the relation almost becomes non-existent.Iv wondered at times "why do i give so much importance to such relations?".The fact that some of these relations have turned ma life upside down prevents me from breaking any.........

People who keep in touch are the ones who really value our friendship.The ones who care while we do ,cannot be termed real buddies.......they are just reel buddies.Iv been humiliated not once ,twice but many times while trying to keep up with long lost relations.It puts me into mentality where i start thinking"why should i b the first one to make the call this time too?".Do we keep in touch cause we are desperate?????? ...off course not.....its the matter of heart,the matter that we really love and care about those people.........when we don't get the same response back one feels odd.On a maximum scale i may end up calling the same person 2-3 times ....not more than that as i don't want to project ma self begging for any relation.It feels as if I'm forcing a conversation out of someone who is not interested...........

"move on with life

don't wait for those

who wont wait for u"

The Shake Cheated Me!!!

To begin with, it was ma idea to have milk shake as Nivz birthday treat..........for i love milk shakes.............i never even had to think twice before suggesting this to ma mates.........i had a gala of a time on Tuesday sipping ma strawberry shake............never did i realise that i will have to pay heavily for ma stupidity................next day i couldn't stop sipping hot tea as i developed throat complications.................finally someone stopped me after almost 5 cups...............lol)-:i knew it ..........sinus problem was coming back............today i was left with no other choice other than to attend the class as we had labs...........i could barely keep ma head up..........sitting in the last bench neither could i see a thing........ma mates made me lay down for 2 periods...............hope our professor dint see me taking a nap................blow yet again.....that's when ma senior informed me about the essay writing competition i had to attend that day.............after ma struggle in the digital labs............i went in to give it a shot............and topic?an alien visit to earth..............what did i think sitting there for one hour????????? one hour was to much...........finally after writing some crap i made ma exit..........gosh i can't cut ma class tomorrow.................NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to take in ma power electronics question paper...........what a joke..............really.........

"The shake cheated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ThORns

something that really shook me............

"Is love a crime????"you busted out.....NO........its not.............but, it is ......if the only thing love gives you is the power to hurt people .......who love you the most,gives you pain and off course enslaves you.............Our rights and wrongs may differ but never have i felt the growing distance as of now.Point blank you screamed"I don't need your support "off course and neither am i good enough to support you to hurt people.I never expected you to behave so cold...... it gives me enough reason to think"why are we friends in the first place??"

You are devoid of eyes ,ears and you fail to see world beyond your boundaries.....gal look ahead you are living on a pile of lies..........a bed of thorns that will pierce deep into your flesh if not plucked out.......Save yourself as you don't need our support or help.

Fiction Or Reality???????

It really bothers me when strangers poke their nose into ma life.No matter how hard i try to keep it out of bounds .......keeps on coming back with questions.Ones private life ought to be off limits the questions and answers but with close friends i don't think so......its strange how we do things to satisfy the curiosity of strangers.

All people have time about is to make up stories and i gave them a bit of their own medicine last day by making up one ma self..........in just one minutes time i made up a bf for ma self......i needed a whole character sketch and i put ma imagination in to good use.I really don't know whether some one like that exists..... if it does I'm extremely sorry!!!!!!!!!.This product is a result of ma frustration.........

"all the characters ,places and procedures

are purely work of fiction

any resemblance with people or

places are entirely coincidental"

wAit............

Moved away from shadows

distance that answers

the questions

its all what's left deep inside

as i still try to guess

the name of this relation

i feel the pain of separation

bounded by artificial smiles

and his desire to see me hurt

i never will or i do

go on with all that's there in me

i never can nor i will

wishes and dreams left alone

and nobody could ease ma pain

as long as there exists words of apology

i will wait...........wait............

-[dedicated to ma friend Anupama menon a.k.a ANU]

The right thing to do

I often wonder "Is it the right thing to do?".All the critical decisions of ma life are made through such self analysis.Sometimes this particular system fails to work mostly in rage or anger.

I could revive a cold relation last day.My friendship with Charles was never expected to go wrong in any way but,everything spun out of control in a conversation .And in a moment's haze i even deleted his number from ma mob.The events that followed are ones that question each other's existence, treating each other like strangers ,refusing to shed that"you first" attire.peace was not an option or not even thought of.

But last day when i gotta know that he has met with an accident i decided to give him a ring.Well considering the fact that the people around me pooh poohed the idea.but, all i could ask ma self was "is this the right thing to do?"........yes off course.

No matter how sour the relation is....... at bad times one ought to stand besides their friends.He was taken by surprise at ma call.All i could say was "take care" but, it did make a lots of difference and i really felt like the ice walls melting away. The relation is back to stable now with the conversations getting more rapid.A small step,a small thread of care and compassion can bring in a lots of difference in our lives.

now i do believe

"it was the right thing to do"

I'm like a bird..............

Flying off into the horizons.............i don't know where ma soul is.............i don't know where ma home is............nothing more like the view of the sea from up above...............i may sound crazy................but ya I'm like a bird..............

wishing for a new dawn........wishing for a new life............this life is taking me to new places,meeting new people..............i may survive...............I'm like a bird..............

My First Crush!!!!!!!!

What's so different about LOVE and CRUSH??????

CRUSH is just a momentary feeling,an admiration,an attraction that may or may not stand the test of time.There is no age bar for this special feeling and it can happen anywhere anytime.

My first brush with pink cheeks happened in 10 th grade.The person i had ma first crush on was the oddest choice of all.My crush developed over years .But ,came to an abrupt halt owing to ma busy schedule.The feeling that i had watching him walk past disappeared of like fog.I never felt the need to be noticed or even a smile.I was happy with the little secret of mine.Until today he doesn't know of ma past and now that the special feeling has given way to a friendly attitude......... i would say he better not know.

Today I'm enjoying ma new life to the fullest without bothering about past images.Living ma life without regrets.People may ask me "was it LOVE???"i say "no...........it was just a CRUSH"

Search 4 Mr.Right

Having escaped from the brutal clutches of love for this many years.Iv never felt the need for Mr.Right or more precisely the desperation for.I was always on the sidelines making fun of odd couples and odd stories.Crying for the guy meets gal saga and ironically drubbing it as stupid after the show has been a part of ma life.I get to know that ma pals were on a mission"to find the Mr.perfect for me".To search for that one face in midst of 1200 faces...m..........tough job.But, ma pals seems to enjoy all the trouble.Iv been on an average made i.e, forced to see 3-5 guys.All typically of same height ,weight and colour..........finally forcing me to say"searching for Mr.right for me or for yourself????"........OOpsy!!!!!!!!! after the showdown ma pals resumed their search.Iv found ma self sitting with a specification list in one hour.......filling it out was the biggest mistake of ma life............all hope lost...........the selection got far worse that before.Difficult to concentrate as the pinching "Look here , there" gets frequent by each passing day.

Why such fuss over the Mr.right?????? .Its not as if we were born doubles or so.....its a process.Sometimes it may take one hour sometimes even a lifetime.But, you gotta be patient.What if i make the wrong choice.........NA!!!!!!!!!!...........gotta be +ve.............the search is still on

"Hunt for Mr.Right"

Life That I Loved

Having been to face fakeness and no sincerity

conversations that seems still

innumerable drawings on the paper

i really wonder is this the life i loved??????

Everyday i look at ma own face ,

drained ....devoid of happiness

wearing a mask just like others

i really wonder............

I walk through the corridors all alone

hearing the rain play ballads

and then i stumble upon the harsh reality

that am facing the darkness

i really wonder..........

Moving ahead in time,stopping with time

when images are nothing but colours

i wonder............

Rapid questions and unknown answers

struggling to explain what life is like

shivering at the thoughts

of loosing

i wonder................

ma life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm stairing at the

black note of ma life

skillfully played at dawn

crushing the lilacs

every dream,every sorrow.......

i Cris's crossed paths of perfection

here I'm at the node

that iv always feared,the lost paths

here only darkness sustains

ghostly figure that

haunts my sleepy eyes

turning all greens black

rummaging through spoiled fields

i slowly walk towards the gate

the view across the distance

is like a dream

but i may never cross the bridge

its a deep turmoil inside

"to be or not to be"

on the other side i dint see

anyone to welcome,to Cheer

life!!!!!!!!

u defeated me yet again

decisions the right ones

are always late

and mine lost for ever

i prefer darkness

cause here ma insecurity never

feed on ma fears

my dreams never pile

on a block of lie

my ambition never die cold

on the other side i may take for granted

the freedom,the power,the success

closing the gate i say to myself

time to go back and live

the life i want

not the ones others want me to

live...............

Height of Arrogance

Imagine yourself trapped in an argument with your parents.You shout,keep quite,shed tears.No use as they always seem to make statements that will project you wrong.
Initially with all due respects one tries to keep the situation cold by trying to avoid the topic or by not responding

When accusations reaches its peak one has no other option other than to just make your view point .The viewpoint may be termed as arrogance. "Arrogance???" that's when the heat starts building up. Accusations turn into deliberate attempts to poke up old issues.The scene gets more and more muddy by each minute,finally either leading to a walkout or a showdown.

But, all these incidents are ones to laugh about n forget the next day.May be this is what they mean by

forget and forgive

Ma self............

Always wondered..............

why am i building up a wall

around ma self???????

why am i running away

from relations???????

why am i behaving so cold??????

why am i not looking back?????

I never let anyone

come closer to me

so that they can hurt me

I'm just trying to protect

ma heart.........

Why am i like this

mmmmmmmmmm...........

if i don't let anyone take control

anyone see that I'm crying

i may have to shelter within

ma self.........

threading together what it seems

infinite loops...........

Give me time

give me space

so that

i can be more dependent

more considerate

and more ma self.........

Shattered Glass............

Personally ma feelings are nothing more than

a toy which can be broken at will

do i have a heart????????

do i have feelings????????

why don't anyone understands that...........

You can cry,laugh and me???????

am i to hold back ma tears

am i to show the world that I'm happy

Every time you make me cry

i try to reassure maself

"its momentary"

no it has been same for ages

am i your friend????????

why don't you understand me

you are lost in your own world

refusing to come out of past memories

while I'm struggling to keep ma new ones intact.............

I don't have words

no i don't expect anything

no i don't see maself smiling

its all shattered glass...........

shattered dreams............

shattered hopes.........

shattered lives...........

of two individuals

who have nothing in common ...........