Feelings: Twitter Format

Immense sense of disappointment, feeling of void, and a pat on the back for trusting my guts, no matter how bad the outcome is! #moveon #life

Why I Deleted My FB Account

I tossed around my bed, I couldn't sleep, and the urge to scroll through my FB account was killing me. Initially, FB was just a forum for me  to be in touch with old school and college pals, to be in synch with the happenings around me, and this simple purpose grew out of control.

I realised over the course of time that  it was inevitable to curb the feelings of trying to catch up. 

There were people posting smiling pictures of their babies, while I am, at 27 years still unsure of what life has in store for me. People checking in at fancy places and going on vacations every other month, and here I was trying to fit in time for my family in between my busy schedule.

No, I can't judge someone's life based on their profile, but it surely did kill my self esteem, it made me panicky, was I taking a step back in my life? Initially, it started out as self doubt, and then it started consuming me, the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of being not able to catch up to life, NO, this was not what I signed in for!!! I couldn't sleep, I too wanted a kid, I too wanted to go for vacation, and the feeds were not helping. Why hold on to something that only gives you displeasure and unhappiness? The other day, I had a complete meltdown, unable to explain to my dear one what exactly was happening! I despised my life, the juncture I am at my life and it felt only natural to press that deactivate button.

I am not sure, if I would return to FB. I would rather be on Instagram where I have nothing to do with people I know, not until all my ex-school and college mates join the Instagram bandwagon that is!!!!!until then I am safe in that little space, posting and filtering away random pictures.

I even deleted my Watzaap account, which is irreversible unlike FB, my motive was to get rid of all the groups I was part of, cut off from contacts, being in my shell, where I felt safe and comforted.

I am in that stage of my life, where the black dog seems to make an appearance quite often, the feeling of worthlessness, and self doubt creeping up frequently. Let's see how life progresses from here.

The personal feelings are completely a round turn from what I believe professionally, in that space, nothing, I mean, nothing makes me uncomfortable and panicky. I do not compare or fill my heart with self doubt. You can ready my feelings on my professional ethos here. 
You must be wondering why I can't bring in the same values that I follow in my professional life to the personal front as well, the answer is: I have no clue!!!

Pseudo Feminist

Deepika Padukone’s “It’s My Choice” video created quite a stir, and suddenly the online world was divided into two camps. We have a section of the audience supporting the video calling it an accurate display of feminism, whereas the opposite ultra-orthodox camp lost it on the mention of the statement, “It’s my choice to have S*x inside or outside the marriage,”. We also have a minority audience, few un-woke citizens like me who couldn’t comprehend the fuzz with regards to ansimple video. First of all, I am a champion of woman empowerment and equality. I believe it’s not just the women’s job to toil in the kitchen or being stereotyped into specific roles. In a social fabric, where man and woman are both breadwinners of a family, it takes two people and many adjustments to run a house like a well-oiled machine. My idea of empowerment stops right there, I feel vulnerable and crave for affection, I expect my brother/dad/husband to drive me around, I expect answers to my questions when I am wailing like a small kid, yeah and I throw feminism through the window at these vulnerable moments.

Any form of ‘ISM’ shouldn’t be one-sided. The idea of feminism and the video itself has so many flaws, one of which is; if you have the right to come home late or have S*x outside marriage, it is equally fitting for your partner/brother/father to indulge in any of the said choices. Crying wolf is not the thing to do, nor is the divorce; it’s their choice too, remember?. Anything a woman/girl can do because it’s her choice, the man/boy should also be able to make cause choice is a self-indulgent term.

I agree that I am a pseudo-feminist, conveniently twisting the term to suit my idea of feminism. It’s my CHOICE!!!

The controversial video:

North East trip

Our travels are jinxed, somehow we end up deciding and packing at the nth moment. This trip was no better, we had booked flight tickets 4 months prior, but never got around deciding our itinerary. 1 week before, I went into panic mode, did a little bit of research and came up with a "Iv got 7 days, I will cover 7 states" itinerary. When I shared the itinerary, my friend (thanks Mayurika!!) gasped in horror, with her arched eyebrows and twisted lips, she asked me one simple question, "So how are you planning to travel?". The very simple question led to more frantic calls and finally we decided on a light weight touristy trip. The trip was for 7 days, and the budget was somewhere close to 50,000 for 2 people. I wanted to share some pointers with you guys, in case any of you decide to travel to NE.

• Transport: This will eat up your budget, its costly unlike other cities. You can cut down the cost by hiring a shared cab. Renting out a cab can be very very costly.
• City vehicle movement: Most of the city borders close by around 6-8 pm and no vehicles are allowed to pass after. So, plan your trips accordingly.
• Start early: In NE, start early if your are planning to visit any place as sun rises pretty early, and sets pretty quick. Also, I overheard one driver say that after 4 pm, BRD doesn't clear the road blockages caused due to landslides.
• ILP: When we decided to travel to Arunachal, little did we know that we would have to get ILP, even if we are Indian citizens. Seems, ILP is a must if you are visiting borders.You can get ILP from any travel agent and that reminds me of the next pointer.
• ID Proofs: Carry you original ID proof, xerox copies and few passport size photos. This would be useful while registering for ILPs and also there will be ID proof verification in most of the border areas.
• Madrasi: A small pet peeve of mine, being called Madrasi. Well, I am not one as I come from Malluland (Kerala) and no, I won't respond to your vanakam (In Malayam, it is namaskaram). I was called Madrasi atleast 4-5 times during the trip. We finally had to convince the person-a-la chakde style "If we call a Sikkimese guy, Manipuri, how will he feel?". Silence on the other side and there after, no further Chennai express talks.
• Smoking and spitting: What's with the mountains and smoking habits?. Every where I could see people smoking packets and packets of cigars. Our driver finished 2 packets of cigars during our 4 hour journey!!!. I saw school kids catching smoke on the school roof. Another sad habit is thamabakoo usage and spitting.

• Men in uniform: If you need to feel patriotic, this is a good place to start with. Be ready to see, men in uniform every 2 secs,are everywhere. You can see a military camp within every Km.
• Queue: People patiently wait in queues for the army trucks to pass through the other side, no overtaking, no honking, no swear words, nothing. They just wait there in queue patiently, something that rest of the India should learn from (I am looking at you, Bangalore!!).
• Warm smiles: I love the warm smile on the face of certain state people. Sorry to say this, but I felt Assam (Guwahati) was very rude to us, very rude!!!!!
• Food: Nom nom, my favorite part. If you are a non-veggie, you would love this place and if you are a veg, you too would love this place. The NE food mainly consists of a soup base, with lot of boiled veggies and chicken shreds. The food is non-spicy, but extremely healthy and tasty. I survived on soup for whole 7 days. I have had so much NE food in the 7 days that I would not dare to touch Indochinese (NE) food for the next 3-4 months.
• Cleanliness: Places are clean, neat and well maintained. Spitting is banned in Sikkim and the city is extremely well kept and self sufficient. Public loos are very well maintained.
• Shopping: All the shops and other places close by around 7-8 pm. Make sure you have your dinner early. Sikkim and Guwahati offers multitude of options for the travelers to purchase curios and handicrafts indigenous to the area. I am happy to report that like rest of India, bargaining works here too.

Comparison: The good, the bad and the ugly

There is a lot done and said on last day's incident (by the time this post is published, it would be almost 3 months) which spiraled out of control. This set me thinking about the concept of jealousy and comparison. 

Was there even a tinge of jealousy that circled in that conference room that day?. Well, disappointment sure did make its rounds. I was disappointed cause I had given my heart a chance to expect. May be, it did show on my face, but I was a quick sport to congratulate the winners (my brain asked my heart to stop feeling bad and do what is required, I remember that moment just like yesterday). My parents have always taught me to excel; not by comparing myself with another individual, but with my own older version. My brother on the other hand believes that comparison helps one grow (it did work for him). According to me, comparison breeds insecurity and unhappiness, why waste time and energy on someone else's achievements?. I have always ensured that year on year, I surpass my previous achievements. I'm happy in my space and don't want to risk my happiness. When my manager spoke to me personally about selecting a person from a pool of four for an award and how comparison plays an important role, I shared my view points on the same. Why compare two people who are not even at the same level?. The result will always be one-sided. Why don't you compare that person's achievement with his on her responsibilities first. If my work is quantified as X, and I have gone extra miles to achieve X+2 and the other person work is Y and he has performed Y+3, by all the means the other person is far more deserving for a recognition than I am.  If there is a tie in the first instance, then compare on whose achievement was a better value addition to the organization. It's not right to expect two people, completely on different spectrum to be compared with each other as the opportunities and responsibilities they handle differ. I feel so disturbed by the recent turn of events, where I feel all my actions are painted in a different color. Am I jealous for that matter at x, y, or z for doing better than me?. Why would I be?. I am only my own nemesis, my own source of inspiration, my own benchmark. I am not jealous at anyone professionally, as I am happy and content in my own space. Only when someone fails to acknowledge the effort I put in, I come out and speak. I love recognition and there is no doubt about that. I would definitely be competing against my current achievements for the next quarter.

The story doesn't end here. Three months after penning this down in my journal, I have resigned from my present organization. I am looking forward to my big move, painting my life with love, and spending an eternity with love of my life. After 2 years of struggle, I can see a dim ray of hope, one that is a result of tough decisions.

Goodbye

Dear Friend.

Wishing you the very best for your life ahead. You have drifted off to a place, where I don't intend to follow you to. We all have different tastes, different perspective of life and friendship. I don't want to trust my ears, cause they can feed you with most negative of thoughts. You will be forever in the right place in my heart and our friendship will be cherished. 

Goodbye and good luck.

2015

I have been going through the evolution chart of this blog, from an 18 year old's rambling about finding a perfect guy to falling in love, I have come a long way to a more brooding-unhappy-dark-fatter version of myself. The posts are more depressing as my age progresses. I look back and laugh uncontrollably at that silly 18 year old who had her priorities screwed up, who found happiness in small things, whose primary motto in life was to be HAPPY. Fast forward years later, I am still in search of happiness, but in a more polished form, materialistic, professional and personal. When I find the void too deep to fill in, I turn to my blog to carve out utter non-sense. 

Getting up in the morning to get ready for the office has now become a struggle. I have this little theory of mine" The moment you find your job a chore, it's time to move on". I am not happy, I used to strive for profession happiness at the cost of personal happiness, and 2015 stuck me with a huge realization that though I might be successful in finding another job that gives me happiness, the lost time with my loved ones is irreversible. 

I am becoming more and more frustrated to a point where "nothing really matters". I love my profession, but the "JOB" not so much.