Pulling down

If someone could offer me their shoulders right now,i would end up smearing the kajal over their dress,over ma face.I have been never so desperate in ma life.At all point i had someone to bank on but,this time the emptiness is haunting me.The person i trust ma life with is on the other side of the fence.I have lost all will to hang on.Why should i?.Ma parents,friends,family every one seems to abandon me.I know it sounds stupid but,ma doggy did have glimpse of concern on seeing the tears in ma eyes.I need some rest a long rest,to free ma self from ma own bonds.

Random shots :College

Donkey with bRAins!!!!

Don't fee like expressing ma self.Words seems to play hide and seek with me and I'm in no mood to play.Two exams i manged to write,not that I'm happy with the way things are going but,managed to write in to fetch some reasonable scores.Four more to go ,what scares me big time is the realisation that i have to start from scratch,build up a base and then start working.The gaps between the exams are kind of rays of hope but,i always manage to waste away ma precious time realising at the far end(last day) that i had followed bad examples.With the digital signal processing as the next exam ,iv to work as hard as a donkey but,with brains.

In their shoes

Weekday soap operas did take a toll on me and Kay.Saturdays and Sundays are the days when we take the idiot box into our control crushing the monotony enjoyed by our moms who sit inconsolably ,weeping after an overdose of fiction.

Being reality stormers we sat surfing and surfing in search of that perfect show.Kay came to a stop(or rather stuck) as he saw the sensuous Tyrra Banks on screen"AMERICA'S NEXT SUPER MODEL".Knowing his obsession to the word SUPERMODEL i gave in.Reality doesn't hurt right?

Eliminations,from a pack of 20 gals 13 are selected to the next round,one step closer to their dreams.The camera shifts focus on to the remaining 7 who couldn't make it.Pale,dead,dreams crushed,all hopes lost 7 pretty gals stood there in one corner,trying to bring a state of balance into their brains.

Kay screamed"Why are these gals crying?.They ought to be happy that they made it this far".Well,have to agree to his Gf that he is devoid of any genes that help him understand the word"EMOTIONS".I couldn't keep quite to a statement that made lots of impact.

"You know they were this close to their dream,HISTORY WILL NEVER REMEMBER THE MISSED CHANCES,NO MATTER HOW CLOSE YO WERE TO THE HIT.These gals will fade into their normal lives.You don't have any idea what is flashing through their brains.May be,regretting for,it may be that small something that didn't work out for them.That small something that the judges may have failed to notice.Never can we compare two personalities because,the parameters are so vast with, each individual with his pluses and negatives.Its all one instant where you get to impress,not that the 7 gals got eliminated because they were in any pretext less talented and beautiful that the remaining 13."

Kay looked at me surprised"What happened?why you so upset about a small statement i made".I never replied to his statement that time for ,he wont understand.

Experience Kay.I can picture ma self among those 7 gals.The same tears,emotions,expressions that i had on 18th march'08 as i stood in the hall regretting ma missed chance"TCS".I know what it is like to be IN THEIR SHOES

ATM:All Time Mess!!!!!

Technological advancement has always been the worst nightmare for people like Me!!!! ,who can't seem to catch up with the flowing time.New mobiles,ipods,dig cams.....the working and the procedures ,nothing seems to get into ma small brain which still prefers to live in the stone age.Being wanting to closely associate ma self with the banking sector i shouldn't be telling this:I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH AN ATM!!!!.It seems so peaceful to have hard cash at hand .The idea of ATM cards,credit cards......drives me to the verge of technological breakdown. The Federal bank ATM,(manual ATM)which am used to (only after 5-6 tries) is out of fad (not exactly the actual reason being 0 balance).Of to the biggest government bank ATM.It is impossible not to see long queue in front of the two sister ATMs ,in ma town...One person goes out and other goes in....doesn't even get to see it deserted and maximum a person gets to spent inside the cosy Air conditioned room is the time equivalent to the processing time.With ma previous stint with the Federal bank ATM,i went in confidently to get some Cash and hey

the screen read press "#" to continue and to ma surprise there was no "# button".I stood there staring, as i turned back ,saw a long queue stretching on to the road .Avoiding people's mocking glance i went outside and rang up mom"There is no # button.What kind of an ATM do these banks have mom?"

Mom's answer peeled me in shame"its touch screen dear".Next time, as i went with ma Dad i tried to master the ATM puzzle.sort of successful and i returned back home happily.

Today wanting some urgent cash for ma tutions,i was yet scared with an ATM card by ma mom"go take cash for yourself".Okay how bad can it get?.20 minute people, let me tell you.The screen kept on showing the same thing over and over again"INSERT YOUR CARD PROPERLY".What the hell?????????????and without much delay got out of the cosy air conditioner(was sweating heavily) went back home.Actually does ATM expands as "ALL TIME MESS"?.What about good old ready cash?

SWeet tooth

15 Years Back

Empty class room

A plumpy little gal with her hair tied on both ends with red ribbon sits in one of the dark corners of the room.A boy comes running with a football in his hand"SWEET TOOTH" he shouts and smiles.Least unexpectedly the gal run towards him hitting him hard on his face.Blood splashes..and the boy runs out crying

Principal's Room

Parents waiting tensing outside the room.A scary looking lady in spectacles comes outside with the boy with the broken nose by her side"Look what your daughter has done on just a provocation that this boy called her a sweet tooth".The gal stands by the door with a bar of her chocolate in her hand."Look how plumpy she is...can't see her without chocolate in class...She should reduce her weight" continues the principal.

Home

Dady angrily takes away the bar of chocolate from the little gal's hand and throws it outside.Th e gal looks on with tears in her eyes.

15 Years Later

The gal is sitting in front of her computer typing out her past,she is still called"sweet tooth" by her cousins.She still loves her chocolates but,she has gone down from being plumpy to a more healthy look.

Ya that's Me!!!!!

Balance sheet

The conversation came up again after ,the call from ma cousin.I regret,ma decisions,mistakes that can't be rectified.More than the pain of humiliation its the pain of ma own parents not realising ma worth that's hurting me.Can i go back and change? or should i believe"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?".The small pain is overwritten by his success,his dreams are soon going to be reality.All the best kiddo for your future,will be praying for you.

"LIFE IS NOT A BALANCE SHEET OPAL,WHERE YOU KEEP ON ADDING YOUR PERSONAL DEBTS,TRYING TO REPAY THEM AS SOON AS YOU GET A CHANCE.LIFE IS BEYOND CALCULATIONS AND CREDITS ITS, ALL ABOUT LOVE."

Exams.......

I'm becoming paranoid after each passing day ,making a big fuss out off small issues. Have been trying to calm ma self down but,seems impossible with the exams fast approaching. Just few more days and i will be writing ma sixth semester exams.Today i found ma self typing away ma frustration,had been trying to call up ma GF's but,no response and after 4-5 messages i was getting angry and frustrated ,at one point i even thought of throwing away ma mob,later in peace as i sat and thought about it,felt sooo stupid,i mean why such big fuss over a silly thing may be they are in a difficult position to message.Silly me !!! can get all over the nerves.Iv never felt so desperate in ma life,trying to bring a balance into ma study time table and i fail miserably not once ,twice but innumerable times.Blaming it on professors,or the old wine in new bottle"i don't have notes" won't work out this time.The stakes are high and i have lot to loose than actually what seems to be written in papers.Putting up a brave face in front of the innumerable books that lay scattered in ma room doesn't seem to work either.Common i need some order in ma life,some serious discipline to pass the big ugly university exams.Need a miracle that will save me .....

That Guy!!!

This guy is like a part of ma life for the past 16 years.All these years ,we loved, hated, fought ,cried, celebrated together.There is nothing common connecting both of us except, for the BLOOD RELATION.Never a picture perfect sibling ,we had our own shells to expand,problems to tackle and in the process weaved our own close knitted worlds.Privacy as always given the highlight and until ma age 16 he was mended out the treatment similar to that of a stranger.Things changed as we developed some sort of a close bonding that made us realise the value of missed years .Time outs,stealing cookies together,watching Dad's cd's together he became like a part of ma life....unofficially ma best pal.

This post is intended to ease out some pain .He is out of town for a month for his summer classes and what links each other to the daily routines are official phone calls,calls that are never made to each others cell.During his usual conversation with parents,ma name does come up but,until now he hasn't asked for me neither have i.Though the hard temptation of ringing him up i restrain for,emotions may run high.Brushing off mom's occasional scolding of"TALK TO YOUR BROTHER" i stare blankly at the walls" I WON'T"....irking ma ma mom off,hiding ma feeling when she says"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR YOUR OWN BROTHER..HOW SAD".Our relation is better expressed in silence than thousands of words because,

WORDS DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO EXPRESS HUMAN EMOTIONS

For a change

With the college closed,the morning sickness has caught on with me ....pulling me back into the arms of comfort even after 6:00 am.With ma bedroom closed and me sounding ma way to slumbering sleep there is one person in the house who doesn't seem to enjoy all ma self pampering:MA MOM.Having to pack her bags to her office early before the sun rises ,after all that motherly duties (cooking and cleaning) she surely envies ma beauty sleep.Knocking hard on ma door,threatening to close down the kitchen ,she surely gets things done in her way.On a sleepish note ma beautiful mornings begin with a

"OPEN UP" shout.

Change is the spice of life....i really needed a break from the early morning howling,screeching and complaints.SUrprise.....

5am:alarm (took almost 10 minutes to wake me though)

5:30 am: made some hot cardamom tea.

5:40am: dosa for breakfast

6:30am: Did clean up the mess i made :D

6:40 am:there comes mom rubbing her sleepy eyes opening up what seems like ma daily dose....No.... she stopped after seeing me with the tea in ma hand ,offering it to her i smiled"good morning mom"...."am i dreaming?You did all these gal?" she asked looking at the spotless kitchen" I nodded ma head.....

"Well,you didn't had to go through all that trouble today" she said...."what??"After all these how can she?" ."Actually I'm on leave today...would love the same treatment tomorrow too"mom winked at me sipping her tea

"what??i mean tomorrow too??and she on leave? why the hell did i do all these things for" i wondered.

HAh!!!!!!!!leave it for it made ma mom happy.......and for a change i could see her SMILE!!!!!!!!!

Speak Out

Moving from ma parent’s shadow it’s a slow realization that the world around is full of biases ,prejudices and injustice. The only thing that can be done to survive the tide is to :SPEAK OUT. Never should ones voices and opinions be sidelined, be it in the family or society .Make yourself clear ,let the world stand back and listen. Never take a NO for what you believe is your right .After all your right is what matters.
The generation ME is more vocal in expressing ideas for themselves and others to think over .But, we wither badly under stress putting to question the abilities that we believe in.
With 33% reservation for women still in paper the public transport system of Kerala reserve a modest 20% seat for the fairer sex. Once you enter a bus, what stares at you for the first 2 minutes is
“SITTING ON A LADIES SEAT IS PUNISHABLE UNDER LAW”
Well, do the male chauvinist society bother reading what’s written? They simply close their eyes grabbing a seat for themselves without even bothering for, its not their daughters or sisters who are standing.
Last day as I got into a crowded bus, I saw the ladies some even 30years elder to me standing .Assuming, the seats to be filled I made ma way near to the window .As, I turned back ,to ma own surprise saw the seat being occupied by mustache bearing idiots. On humble request, the guys started abusing me verbally .Yet, again none of the standing ladies came to ma help instead I could hear them giggle: Minds of sadists at work.
After 5 minutes of verbal brawl the guys finally got up (the bus guys did help out).There came the ladies running toward the empty seat. Don’t they have any soul, any self respect? .Reminds me of the story of the jackal ma mom used to tell as bed time story.
Jackal enjoys watching the lion hunt and finally after the kill is made it slowly comes out of its hiding den to munch whatever little is left.

Ladies speak out for yourself ……….

Tough life..........

Wish i could go for a long walk on a Moonlight night ,a walk through the beach soaking ma legs in the rush of cool sea water,sand covering ma legs........Back to the world of realities...

*14th internals publication

*15th project report submission

*22nd university exams

*daily dose of sleep, films,net surfing,roaming,bitching etc...etc...

Where do i fit in ma daily routine?.Seems like ma dream will remain as a dream itself.

My Hairy Story

The first thing you will notice about me:I would rather kill ma self to say, ma beautiful face,long eyes but,unfortunately i am not blessed aplenty with all these facial features but,ya the first thing to notice would surely be ma HAIR..........This is something that generates quite a lot of attention .To begin with i got lotssa hair when i say lotssa it doesn't mean long it means lottsa.Ma gal friend are ready to any thing for ma hair but,the guys think ma hair is to blown out of proportions. Well,ma hair is not straight ,not curly i would rather call her curvy.she can be so dry of her emotion at times,refusing to go by what i want her to be,instead she gives me the airs:"I CAN RUIN YA DAY WITH A BAD HAIR DAY".I hate her when she plays all over ma face,refusing to sit tidy behind ma ears.She is so attention seeking that i have to re -tie her every 10 minutes which is actually her deadline ,if not she is out embarrassing me in front of people.I still remember what Abin said"Ya i always thought your head was so BIG....but,hey its not your head but,ya hair".Thanx buddy for realising so late that I'm not that intelligent after all ,you see.Now back to ma hair it was revenge time and i wanted to teach her some real good hair dressing tips.I decided to straighten her.Took the ironing rod.I could hear her scream ,but,hey i can be real cruel at times and under the hot road she went.This would teach her how to behave at least for few days.......Until then the hairy story has a happy ending.

Surprised??

Why do people sound so surprised?. After all am a gal too, and i have ma own choices.I believe that the Surprise is generated from the fact that, i took an U turn from ma own preachings.Well,i should have believed more in faith and destiny.I do ,as a matter of fact in both after ma life changing experience.I may have to trust ma self even more than before because ,ma life is not only ma own responsibility.That person's decisions,actions have the power to change the course of ma life.Its a long wait for me to, finally find ma freedom .But,the thing that irks me is:Why SuCH a REsPOnse?.

After all........

Practical thinking is fast disappearing from ma blog.Now it seems like one of a 15 year olds childhood fantasies.Am i loosing ma identity?.Sounds like that.Its a turmoil of so many mixed emotions.Its like enjoying what you do and ending up doubting yourself later.There is a clash between the RIGHTs and WRONGs and i want both of them to win.How can a 20 year old have identity crisis that sounds so weird.Well,by each passing day I'm going down under the blanket trying to prove to ma self that i can't be wrong or may be hide facts and dumb them as fiction for, i don't have enough courage to face the truth.So the question is :am i wrong?.Am i reasonable enough to start learning to enjoy life and respect what life has in store for me.Am i right in crossing over to the grey side?.The questionnaire seems like a never ending one, putting ma patience to the test.Sometimes it feels like being handcuffed .The crisis was set on motion by the recent twists and turns and unexpected events.I act strange or even stranger shunning ma self from ma inner self for, ma inner self is far more righteous than what i expected it to be.Never did i think,never did i gave ma self a chance to explain instead i went on to prove the world wrong ,let ma heart overpower.I say with regret that never allow your heart to make decisions for you because heart is ridden by an impulse ,the momentary pleasure but ,the brain lets you think,not only the presents implications but ,for the future as well.I know to people who ever it may concern,will be devastated but, Its like cheating ma self.When i say "i need more time" not because iv been dishonest but,to stabilise ma emotional quotient .I really want to come back after a full circle but i want to set ma self free from duties and tags as of now.Ma life is revolting against ME,threatening to change its course if i don't act fast.I know or more precisely don't know where life is taking me.I want ma rights and wrongs to be accepted by people around ,i really want.This will either drive me to edge derailing ma life for ever or even put me out making me wither under the sun.Whatever it is it will take ma life And as for the girly stuff on the blog its just a route towards escapism to prove to the world "AFTER ALL I'M A GAL"

What to wear??

Okay this sounds crazy am down with flu but,all iv been thinking the whole day yesterday is what to wear for the farewell on Monday.Its not yet confirmed whether or not i will be able to attend for, ma health is fast deteriorating.As Ragz messeged me in the morning to confirm ma name in the volunteer list,i replied on a negative note,asking her to put ma name in "yes/no" list.After all this crap if you guys think that i should be going for the farewell for ,its ma last day in college wait until you hear this.ITS NOT MA FAREWELL BUT, MA SENIOR'S!!!!.Considering the rapport i share with them it will be quite bad if i miss the grand event on Monday on campus from 4-7pm.

Now to what to wear.I don't have any clue.Well,not something eye catching as i don't want to whisk away the attention from people who spent large chunk of money just to look good on the occasion.All iv been confused about is which earring to wear,iv got to select from 5 choices and as usual i will decide on the wardrobe based on that.Sounds crazy??.The 5 choices is driving me nuts as ,more i look at each one of them more confused i get.Need some help here !!!.Got only 29 hours left!!!!.

The Art of Bunking Class.....

Life is spinning fast...sometimes i fear if its gonna go out of control but,i always seem to manage.Today I'm sick to the core thanks to dad who,spread the throat infection to the whole family.I even bunked the labs just to be on ma bed.Mom doesn't even know that iv got classes today,She did ask me though, with me putting up an expressionless face she doesn't have any reason not to believe.After all its just labs and i know ma self, most of the time i would be running from desks to desks chatting with ma mates or even sit near the window looking outside.Its impossible to concentrate when ma girlfriends are around.Iv enjoyed every moment of labs this semester.Ma project mates smi,niv n sol (the only guy in the group) were put together.We have spent more time on talking rather than actually doing the experiments.Not submitting records on time,wrong readings ,shouting in the lab the heads know which group to blame.I'm loving ma college life.