The journey from 31-12-06 to 30-12-07

I really found ma dairy entry for the date 31-12-06 very interesting………..
31-12-06

Some things are better expressed in silence………..Being able to speak one’s mind out is the best thing to have happened to humans. But, at times it’s a curse more than a boon. So many emotions go astray……….that we hardly think before we speak. Words are a good healing source. So, are they root of all troubles……..when we speak out blindly it may hurt the person on the other side of the lane. What I mean is not that there’s no honest words left but ,is to evolve a process to open and close the Pandora’s box {mouth} without affecting anyone’s life. My frankness has come under fire so many times usually on occasions when I was expected to give a sugary speech ……which ends up in a bitter truth…….Whenever I have the urge to spit out the truth I restrain ma self keeping in mind the complex nature of human emotions………people who frequently appreciate openness in other’s comments are much more prone to sentimental attack than people who care less. I would never advocate speech measurement in daily life especially in midst of family and friends where you are expected to listen ,and speak out the truth….no matter what life moves on…..next time peek into your buddy’s mind before you speak out the truth………..

30-12-07

May be the one year experience has changed me a lot.........I'm no longer known for ma frankness..........instead for ma diplomatic approach..............Its hard still i know ma way around people...............ways of life................no matter what life moves on............

Black and White

When someone else destiny is resting upon your shoulders…….you start feeling like lots of pressure rested upon…………when your decision start dictating someone else’s life……….people expect you to make no mistakes……………its sometimes nerve wrecking. Most of the times if something goes wrong………..they blame it on your wrong decisions………..people expect us to be super humans or so…………..as iv said I never regret any of ma decisions in the past………but ,I would like to change an incident if given a chance………..I just don’t want to appear as if am selfish or so………..its for a friend……I think here too ma selfishness is dictating in its own terms… for a friend…..who should have had course of his life altered if not for ma stupid decisions…………every day I wake up brushing of ma past…………but, its just refusing to let go………….every time I see his face, the past comes hunting………the person in question has never ever blamed me for any of the incidents……….he says” it had to happen…….. if not you being the reason someone else…thank goodness its you because, I don’t feel bad” …that particular incident and the nightmares after ,changed ma life for good….it led to the shaping of a whole new me………..I may be never able to forgive ma self but, I will have to stand up and take responsibility………….for its just ma ego that destroyed a bright future……….

Can't wait any longer.........

Can't wait any longer for the party to get over...........had enough of gulping down the cakes.......not one not 2 but almost 12................Am i getting little bulky?yup think so.............but i love the festivities.........the joyful mood.........the feeling of togetherness............i guess the new year will have a lot in store for me..........

My first romantic poem............

My first romantic poem at the age of 14..............dedicated to ma friend Neethu on whose request I wrote this..........

Every time i felt like saying,

oh!what is happening?

my heart was over flowing with purity

beating still more fastly.

Each beat in a rhythmic way,

It hit my heart,a ray

Beginning of a new page it was

bearing of a new mass.

I still don't understand

the feelings underneath

I forgot time

the spring is here

but my heart is still bare

I lost its key it seems,

oh! sun beams

did you find a way to enter?

into my frozen heart

A missing link,

and i started calculating in pink

the love shared

with someone who never dared

to tell me the truth

At last i found the answer,

lying inside deeper.

It was my heart beeping

every time i saw myself weeping

And like a white feather

i will float in the sky

till someone holds me tight

by his might

I will wait

wait till that day

when my hearts key will be found

by someone I LOVE!

If tomorrow never comes...................

If i knew it would be the last

time that i see you fall asleep,

i would tuck you in more

tightly and pray

If i knew it would be the last time

that i see you walk out the door,

i would give you a hug and a kiss

and call yo back for one more

so hold your loved ones close today,

whisper in their ears,

Tell them how much you love

and you always hold them dear,

Take time to say "I'm sorry",

"please forgive me","thank you",

or"its okay",

And if tomorrow never comes,you'll

have no regrets about today

-Author Unknown

Words..............

"..........they told me

they' useless,sore

too dark,too crude,

too misplaced in time

so i dipped my pen in spirit

and soaked my words in wine......"

What if all the words in this world go missing.One fine day you wake up and find all the words lost.Then?????

Most of the problems cease to exist........no fighting ,no quarrels ,no explanations.................

But, imagine the situation of a gal who is waiting to propose her loved one.............imagine her having to do all that sign language thing.Imagine the situation of a mother waiting to hear her baby speak his/her first word.Right now I'm devoid of any words...............in ma world all the words are lost............forever...........

GiFt

The best gift you can give someone is your time,

when you give someone your time ,

you are giving them a part of your life,

which cannot be reclaimed.

Im too complicated for you..............

Stay away!!!!!!!!!!

Don't come any closer

for I'm too complicated for you...........

I have been over and under trying to mend the barriers...........but, the distance seems larger by each passing day.Can i do any justice to ma own feelings????? why am i branded wrong???????

Its just that the feelings can't be kept subsided for long.Yesterday, i felt like keeping ma head buried under the pillow and cry out loud .......but,i couldn't. Instead i sat there emotionless staring at ma engineering maths test .At one point i even wondered "which one is more heavy the book or ma heart?".I should have told ma issues to someone ....at least ma parents........issues that has been the reason for ma constant emotional imbalance.But, what if they just rub it of?.I can't bear further complications .Too much is too much.........I have been pulling ma self up and then it all shatters back ,spreading out............I'm locking ma self out from everyone......i know it won't do any good......but, why should i transmit the pain to someone else............no i won't.... i will go through this of ma own..............right now i think its better to write the feelings down rather than torture someone with ma complain spree........that's why i say

" stay away

dont come any closer

for im too complicated for you"

A Walk To Remember.........

I don't remember the colours

I don't remember the new faces

that have invaded the old ones.

I don't remember the changes bygone

But,i do remember the scent of the chalk powder

the sound of the bell

bustling labs

It was a walk to remember

by product of past

I was at ma bro's school to get his progress report

the school,that was mine

the school ,where i spent better part of ma life

the school where i learned the lessons of life

Suddenly everything seems new

long 3 years................

I have lost all ma pasts

still i took a walk through the

corridors

I could feel ma self,ma stories at every corner

the auditorium, standing on the podium where

i gave ma farewell speech.......

Clutching ma brother's progress report

in one hand

i made the exit through the gates

silently i said to ma self

"wish i would have never grown up

a walk to remember

down the memory lanes"

Back To Ma Roots

I was really touched by something that my brother wrote in his book.It goes like this

"Sometimes our life is too short to let the ones we love know that we really care"

Not something that i expected ma brother to write in......he may be right in his own sense.............its strange what i wrote beneath.........

"Not late.....let the one know that

you really value that person

before life takes you

to a new place where feelings

are lost for ever"

I still don't know why i chose to write something like that.I found a note on ma desk today morning .The shabby handwriting-no doubt ma bro.......

"thanks ................love you"

I really don't know in what way i helped him .Still really it left an impact on me.I took time off today to spent quality time with ma parents.It did touch ma heart.......thanks bro for getting me back to ma roots

Relationships don't work..............

How to prioritise relation?????????it gets so frustrating when one is in no man's land..............iv tried and tried.............the issues get more complicated when one of your friend can't stand the other.......then one is left with no other choice other than to choose.............iv tried spending quality time with both ma pals..........dint work out the way i wanted..............all iv been hearing for the past one week is"you were not there when i needed you"..........so where was i ?? if not with both of em'.................i can't understand.................i need some peace of mind really,..............

Movements

The moving river

that flows by its principle

never deviates from path followed

The moving leaves

that live by sacrifice unique

looks out into a better tomorrow

The moving clouds

that race past the sky

shows the true spirit of sedate

The moving wind

that spreads fragrance around

wishes to spread a smile

The moving fire

that symbolises determination

burns every obstacle in its path

Life is full of movements

that shows us the way of life

Movements of nature

that's truly beyond human imagination..............

Life Beyond.....

What i really need is some peace of mind............i know its hard to find any...... still...............just a break from ma daily routine of hurry Barry to little more relaxing one................when i tend to loosen up....ma consciousness comes back hunting.............do i have a life beyond this?????????i doubt............its hard how i multitask things, sometimes missing out.................even that is not pardoned............I'm expected to behave like a zombie................I'm sick of all this..........when will i get a break from ma complaining spree????????................not in near future i suppose................

Lost Soul...............

Don't feel like writing................all the words are getting locked up in ma mind.............feels like iv got long way to go...............sense of insecurity,frustration and anger filling up............i know it won't do any good ........as i don't know the source of ma problems.............i cannot connect with ma self......the soul is lost................iv got a different person residing within me.............n i cant seem to understand that person.................m.............have to go on............pull up ma life..............try picking up the lost bits................

Six Degrees

If not for the people around me i would have lost ma dreams and the will long before.At each stage of ma life i had people ,giving me a hand to hold on to and i can't thank them enough.

There are many things in life that we aren't comfortable discussing with parents cause they will never understand the seriousness and will rub it of as teenage drama.U can never expect them to view the world through your eyes...never!!!!!!!!

In school i just couldn't live without ma pals Appu ,Radhu, Riya, Ancy ,Mandoo, Sammy, Ruchi, Afthu n Jeebs.Some have changed with time while some refusing to...... with turning tides.They have been ma world.We were bunch of kids living life in our own terms.We enjoyed every second of school life without compromising on our principles.

College is sooo .......different from the tiny little shell that i believed to be "my world".Its lots of new experience that awaited me in college.Niv,Smi,Anu..... the ones that makeup ma life.Not everything is smooth as it seems..... playing the role of a mediator can sometimes burn all the emotions within.Lots of compromises ,lots of patience and hell lots of open mindedness :essentials for a a successful relation.But, sometimes i feel quite lonely as if iv been surrounded by people but no one to understand.

That's were Rahul ,Appu,Govind and Afsal comes in......the kind of emotional support that i receive helps me to sail through rough seas .Iv discovered the true essence of being there without always being there from them.

I have still 1 more year to going college and still lots more to in ma life.New people coming in and old ones moving out .........widening ma network of friends each day. May be that's what is meant by

"there is only 6 degree difference between any of us"

Giru................

Expecting to find the regular room of a 19 year old???????you are in for a surprise............ma room is worse than the pinky dreams of a five year's bed room..............iv adorned ma bedroom walls with latest toon characters ranging from sakura to dennis.............and on ma bed you will find a special person.............he has been a part of ma life for the past 4 years..............for people around me its just a lifeless toy but, if you ask me he is much more than a regular stuffed toy-giru: ma pet giraffe.........he doesn't anywhere look like a giraffe........he is more of a clone between a dog and a giraffe................the only thing that reminds you of the fact that he is a giraffe is the pattern all over his body.............he has been the force and inspiration,a person who i know will never shout back when I'm angry,never back out when I'm sad...............he knows me much better than ma parents..........what if he ever comes to life??will he express all his anger and frustration??????or will he give me that same look he gives me always when I'm down...............to be frank I'm too possessive about him and i don't like anybody even patting him....call it the arrogance or childishness of a 19 year old ,refusing to grow up..............ma parents and off course ma brother thinks it just too much to let giru sit calmly on ma bed............ma mother often reminds me:"you will get married in next five years....will you take him along with you????" off course i will........i cant even imagine a life without giru................for he is everything that i have..........

Distance..........

Some relations are driven by distance and conversations.When the conversation ends the relation almost becomes non-existent.Iv wondered at times "why do i give so much importance to such relations?".The fact that some of these relations have turned ma life upside down prevents me from breaking any.........

People who keep in touch are the ones who really value our friendship.The ones who care while we do ,cannot be termed real buddies.......they are just reel buddies.Iv been humiliated not once ,twice but many times while trying to keep up with long lost relations.It puts me into mentality where i start thinking"why should i b the first one to make the call this time too?".Do we keep in touch cause we are desperate?????? ...off course not.....its the matter of heart,the matter that we really love and care about those people.........when we don't get the same response back one feels odd.On a maximum scale i may end up calling the same person 2-3 times ....not more than that as i don't want to project ma self begging for any relation.It feels as if I'm forcing a conversation out of someone who is not interested...........

"move on with life

don't wait for those

who wont wait for u"

The Shake Cheated Me!!!

To begin with, it was ma idea to have milk shake as Nivz birthday treat..........for i love milk shakes.............i never even had to think twice before suggesting this to ma mates.........i had a gala of a time on Tuesday sipping ma strawberry shake............never did i realise that i will have to pay heavily for ma stupidity................next day i couldn't stop sipping hot tea as i developed throat complications.................finally someone stopped me after almost 5 cups...............lol)-:i knew it ..........sinus problem was coming back............today i was left with no other choice other than to attend the class as we had labs...........i could barely keep ma head up..........sitting in the last bench neither could i see a thing........ma mates made me lay down for 2 periods...............hope our professor dint see me taking a nap................blow yet again.....that's when ma senior informed me about the essay writing competition i had to attend that day.............after ma struggle in the digital labs............i went in to give it a shot............and topic?an alien visit to earth..............what did i think sitting there for one hour????????? one hour was to much...........finally after writing some crap i made ma exit..........gosh i can't cut ma class tomorrow.................NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to take in ma power electronics question paper...........what a joke..............really.........

"The shake cheated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ThORns

something that really shook me............

"Is love a crime????"you busted out.....NO........its not.............but, it is ......if the only thing love gives you is the power to hurt people .......who love you the most,gives you pain and off course enslaves you.............Our rights and wrongs may differ but never have i felt the growing distance as of now.Point blank you screamed"I don't need your support "off course and neither am i good enough to support you to hurt people.I never expected you to behave so cold...... it gives me enough reason to think"why are we friends in the first place??"

You are devoid of eyes ,ears and you fail to see world beyond your boundaries.....gal look ahead you are living on a pile of lies..........a bed of thorns that will pierce deep into your flesh if not plucked out.......Save yourself as you don't need our support or help.

Fiction Or Reality???????

It really bothers me when strangers poke their nose into ma life.No matter how hard i try to keep it out of bounds .......keeps on coming back with questions.Ones private life ought to be off limits the questions and answers but with close friends i don't think so......its strange how we do things to satisfy the curiosity of strangers.

All people have time about is to make up stories and i gave them a bit of their own medicine last day by making up one ma self..........in just one minutes time i made up a bf for ma self......i needed a whole character sketch and i put ma imagination in to good use.I really don't know whether some one like that exists..... if it does I'm extremely sorry!!!!!!!!!.This product is a result of ma frustration.........

"all the characters ,places and procedures

are purely work of fiction

any resemblance with people or

places are entirely coincidental"

wAit............

Moved away from shadows

distance that answers

the questions

its all what's left deep inside

as i still try to guess

the name of this relation

i feel the pain of separation

bounded by artificial smiles

and his desire to see me hurt

i never will or i do

go on with all that's there in me

i never can nor i will

wishes and dreams left alone

and nobody could ease ma pain

as long as there exists words of apology

i will wait...........wait............

-[dedicated to ma friend Anupama menon a.k.a ANU]

The right thing to do

I often wonder "Is it the right thing to do?".All the critical decisions of ma life are made through such self analysis.Sometimes this particular system fails to work mostly in rage or anger.

I could revive a cold relation last day.My friendship with Charles was never expected to go wrong in any way but,everything spun out of control in a conversation .And in a moment's haze i even deleted his number from ma mob.The events that followed are ones that question each other's existence, treating each other like strangers ,refusing to shed that"you first" attire.peace was not an option or not even thought of.

But last day when i gotta know that he has met with an accident i decided to give him a ring.Well considering the fact that the people around me pooh poohed the idea.but, all i could ask ma self was "is this the right thing to do?"........yes off course.

No matter how sour the relation is....... at bad times one ought to stand besides their friends.He was taken by surprise at ma call.All i could say was "take care" but, it did make a lots of difference and i really felt like the ice walls melting away. The relation is back to stable now with the conversations getting more rapid.A small step,a small thread of care and compassion can bring in a lots of difference in our lives.

now i do believe

"it was the right thing to do"

I'm like a bird..............

Flying off into the horizons.............i don't know where ma soul is.............i don't know where ma home is............nothing more like the view of the sea from up above...............i may sound crazy................but ya I'm like a bird..............

wishing for a new dawn........wishing for a new life............this life is taking me to new places,meeting new people..............i may survive...............I'm like a bird..............

My First Crush!!!!!!!!

What's so different about LOVE and CRUSH??????

CRUSH is just a momentary feeling,an admiration,an attraction that may or may not stand the test of time.There is no age bar for this special feeling and it can happen anywhere anytime.

My first brush with pink cheeks happened in 10 th grade.The person i had ma first crush on was the oddest choice of all.My crush developed over years .But ,came to an abrupt halt owing to ma busy schedule.The feeling that i had watching him walk past disappeared of like fog.I never felt the need to be noticed or even a smile.I was happy with the little secret of mine.Until today he doesn't know of ma past and now that the special feeling has given way to a friendly attitude......... i would say he better not know.

Today I'm enjoying ma new life to the fullest without bothering about past images.Living ma life without regrets.People may ask me "was it LOVE???"i say "no...........it was just a CRUSH"

Search 4 Mr.Right

Having escaped from the brutal clutches of love for this many years.Iv never felt the need for Mr.Right or more precisely the desperation for.I was always on the sidelines making fun of odd couples and odd stories.Crying for the guy meets gal saga and ironically drubbing it as stupid after the show has been a part of ma life.I get to know that ma pals were on a mission"to find the Mr.perfect for me".To search for that one face in midst of 1200 faces...m..........tough job.But, ma pals seems to enjoy all the trouble.Iv been on an average made i.e, forced to see 3-5 guys.All typically of same height ,weight and colour..........finally forcing me to say"searching for Mr.right for me or for yourself????"........OOpsy!!!!!!!!! after the showdown ma pals resumed their search.Iv found ma self sitting with a specification list in one hour.......filling it out was the biggest mistake of ma life............all hope lost...........the selection got far worse that before.Difficult to concentrate as the pinching "Look here , there" gets frequent by each passing day.

Why such fuss over the Mr.right?????? .Its not as if we were born doubles or so.....its a process.Sometimes it may take one hour sometimes even a lifetime.But, you gotta be patient.What if i make the wrong choice.........NA!!!!!!!!!!...........gotta be +ve.............the search is still on

"Hunt for Mr.Right"

Life That I Loved

Having been to face fakeness and no sincerity

conversations that seems still

innumerable drawings on the paper

i really wonder is this the life i loved??????

Everyday i look at ma own face ,

drained ....devoid of happiness

wearing a mask just like others

i really wonder............

I walk through the corridors all alone

hearing the rain play ballads

and then i stumble upon the harsh reality

that am facing the darkness

i really wonder..........

Moving ahead in time,stopping with time

when images are nothing but colours

i wonder............

Rapid questions and unknown answers

struggling to explain what life is like

shivering at the thoughts

of loosing

i wonder................

ma life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm stairing at the

black note of ma life

skillfully played at dawn

crushing the lilacs

every dream,every sorrow.......

i Cris's crossed paths of perfection

here I'm at the node

that iv always feared,the lost paths

here only darkness sustains

ghostly figure that

haunts my sleepy eyes

turning all greens black

rummaging through spoiled fields

i slowly walk towards the gate

the view across the distance

is like a dream

but i may never cross the bridge

its a deep turmoil inside

"to be or not to be"

on the other side i dint see

anyone to welcome,to Cheer

life!!!!!!!!

u defeated me yet again

decisions the right ones

are always late

and mine lost for ever

i prefer darkness

cause here ma insecurity never

feed on ma fears

my dreams never pile

on a block of lie

my ambition never die cold

on the other side i may take for granted

the freedom,the power,the success

closing the gate i say to myself

time to go back and live

the life i want

not the ones others want me to

live...............

Height of Arrogance

Imagine yourself trapped in an argument with your parents.You shout,keep quite,shed tears.No use as they always seem to make statements that will project you wrong.
Initially with all due respects one tries to keep the situation cold by trying to avoid the topic or by not responding

When accusations reaches its peak one has no other option other than to just make your view point .The viewpoint may be termed as arrogance. "Arrogance???" that's when the heat starts building up. Accusations turn into deliberate attempts to poke up old issues.The scene gets more and more muddy by each minute,finally either leading to a walkout or a showdown.

But, all these incidents are ones to laugh about n forget the next day.May be this is what they mean by

forget and forgive

Ma self............

Always wondered..............

why am i building up a wall

around ma self???????

why am i running away

from relations???????

why am i behaving so cold??????

why am i not looking back?????

I never let anyone

come closer to me

so that they can hurt me

I'm just trying to protect

ma heart.........

Why am i like this

mmmmmmmmmm...........

if i don't let anyone take control

anyone see that I'm crying

i may have to shelter within

ma self.........

threading together what it seems

infinite loops...........

Give me time

give me space

so that

i can be more dependent

more considerate

and more ma self.........

Shattered Glass............

Personally ma feelings are nothing more than

a toy which can be broken at will

do i have a heart????????

do i have feelings????????

why don't anyone understands that...........

You can cry,laugh and me???????

am i to hold back ma tears

am i to show the world that I'm happy

Every time you make me cry

i try to reassure maself

"its momentary"

no it has been same for ages

am i your friend????????

why don't you understand me

you are lost in your own world

refusing to come out of past memories

while I'm struggling to keep ma new ones intact.............

I don't have words

no i don't expect anything

no i don't see maself smiling

its all shattered glass...........

shattered dreams............

shattered hopes.........

shattered lives...........

of two individuals

who have nothing in common ...........

Definition

The moment that describes me

the by product of bygone era

The smile that describes me

the curve of my whirly past

The eyes that defines me

the lost glitter of yesterdays

The colour that defines me

darkened by grey feelings

The hair that defines me

the black threads of missing links

Predict me not

for I'm deep as emotions

Accept me no

for I'm stranger than fiction

Question me not

for I'm vast as sky

Define me not

for I'm ghost of ma own self

The Deadly Sin

Jealousy is one human relation i love to hate , because it makes you look desperate and vulnerable.Yesterday what i did ,made me look like a fool exposing ma weakness .Any person has the right to prioritise relation and it always doesn't have to follow "first come first serve" basis.When one feels threatened then jealousy starts creeping up.In ma case its the time that's playing the tricks.After the tour i rarely got to spend time with ma buddy but, the feeling of being neglected ain't easy.When you feel victimised cause of new entry jealousy hits a new level.Thankfully i could figure out ma problem before someone else did.I think i should give both of em space and accept their friendship and move on.

Strange Relations

Certain relations are hard to explain and never bother to spend time explaining to people cause they will never understand…………..these relations are driven less by words and more by support………………At the end of the day you feel frustrated at the fact that you aren’t able to speak out your heart even though you want to………………….when the trust seem missing, things go haywire spinning out of control………….iv never felt that am doing the right thing…………..but I don’t want ma friend to feel left out, to feel desperate ,or feel lonely……………….things that I want to speak………….no……………….I can’t……..I feel as if struck by ma own innocence……………let time decide……

REalisatIOn

The 3 day trip to kodai and Pondi was one of a life time................3 important round ups of the trip

1. Formation of Athiria boys


2. Realisation that I'm different from others


3. Formation of pairs

First day was damn boring with the guys and gals finding it difficult to communicate............... but ,the scenario changed fast with the formation of Athiria boys "back bencher's association".............we danced and sang our way to glory..............they are the only reason why i never shyed away from things which i normally would try to avoid.................

But,it was quite impossible for a person like me to give ma body full strain...........most of the time ma friends caught me either napping or looking outside the closed window............playing soft tracks...................no one complained as everyone was enjoying................for me ,the clouds ,streams and the rain were everything. I was in a different world all together........................enjoying the sip of nature's beauty.............i couldn't imagine ma self shopping or wasting away ma time playing pranks.............

One thing that i couldn't understand till now is that how can two people whose conversation hasn't even crossed beyond "HI" in 1 year be talking for hours?????????? I mean can 3 days trip bring out visible changes?????? Yes, that's what this tour has taught me....................Niv couldn't hide her frustration inside today as she asked me"Whats there for these couples to speak for so long"???? the only answer i had was"How can i know........will tell ya after 3 years or so".............what else can i say.................

The tour was an eye opener in every sense testing and teaching the basic art of surviving..................hopping to enjoy and cherish every second of the best 3 days of ma life..............

Spreading A Curve

"Whats the most unique ability in any person?????"

I would say "Ability to spread a smile even while suffering deepest pain"

I would like to acknowledge 2 such people in ma life.One being ma buddy Anupama menon and other I'm sure that person will understand while going through this entry.Are such people strong by heart?.No, they are not .They are as vulnerable as any of us but their success lies in the fact that they can effectively mask their emotions.As iv seen they rarely open up and never let anyone see through them. When they do, its like a shower of a life time.......showering with all might.Iv always noticed a change in ma aura when Anu is around. We never discuss politics or war but ,subject with earthy tones.Nothing seems to affect such personalities, not at least when people are around

To both ya guys,

"keep that curve alive
cause without it
you are someone else"

Ma Second Life.........

We only get to live our life once.If i get a second chance will i live over ma present life?????????correct ma mistakes??????????

hmmm..............

I may go on living ma life with regrets.

burdens of high expectations.

burdens of failure.

burdens of missed chances.

What do i expect of ma second life

more comforts?????????

more opportunities????

more experiences??????

no.............i may live ma life the way it has been for the past 19 years.Without erasing any of the memories,without changing the course of any of the incidents.........for everything happens for a reason .Every little sorrow every small joy.Everything.................

If still I'm asked to change the course i may ask someone else do it for me...............cause i prefer watching ma life from a distance..........

Week That Was

Life for the past few days has been like still pond refusing to move.The days seem stretched n finally all what i wish for is the comfort of ma pillow.The depth of the pond is frightening n I'm not comfortable swimming deep.Everything has been like fast food this week."it did kill ma hunger but,dint give enough satisfaction"

Moving away from the fence i felt quite relaxing but, next week has whole lot in store for me .Starting with test n then the tours .Its like telling a prisoner who is about to be electrocuted that the electric chair doesn't work. It has become quite impossible to balance work n play.

One of ma friends is refusing to turn in. Not quite expected of her but,the reason is really annoying for she is doing all this for her Boyfriend. What crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

"one shouldn't sacrifice everything for love"

Shes playing it expensive putting an end to one relationship for another.I can never understand not a word of it but, guess its her choice.

When conversations become a silent affair doubts begins to crop up. You can't find a solution without a"PROBLEM" and when the problem is deep within its further difficult to communicate. Usually when one shares the point of view the load gets reduced n the pain too.

And yet again when you see a happy face filled up with dark clouds you your self get affected by it. During ma power electronics lecture hour i was surprised to see drops of tears in ma friend's eyes. I was taken aback as iv never seen her cry ,reason being quite painfully hard to understand.I Could feel the tears buidling up in ma eyes too.That's the effect of her company. Finally i did gather up all ma courage to comfort her. Week has been still hope it does make a move next week...............

Flying Away...............

Had enough being

a parasite

Feedin on ma parent's blood

weakening them each day

They say "Its time to fly of your own"

but, i refuse to let go

Clutching harder than before

"What if......."i put forth

Face the brutal world

fly away to touch the sky

all by yourself they say

"Never" i scream

I love your shadow

the sense of protection it gives me

The warmth it imbibes

I don't wanna face the realities

of life..........

One day i found maself

lost in the vastness of the sky

and i trembled with fear

But, slowly an ecstasy filled up

inside.........

the ecstasy of flight

the ecstasy of freedom

the ecstasy of self realisation

had enough being a parasite.....................

LOST CHILDHOOD...........................

Today i was goin through some of ma old picz n this is what i felt.................

Time again n again
Love visitin the lost childhood
Innocence and the smile
The faded photos that painted
a contrast
to the build in strained expressions
I could see ma self hidin behind ma
mother's blue polka Saree
Whenever i was called by name
The jumps and mischiefs
that never invited a scoldin
Life has changed 360
in 19 years
The smile has faded
The expressions more professionalised
Relations"need of time"
Childhood revisit me
Give me one more chance
to experience
Your essence

No Regrets............

Past few days i have rediscovered the poet within me........a small tribute to ma new found skill............


When i walk out of your door
No regrets
When i walk out of your life
No regrets
I was never meant to be there
Hand in hand we walked
Never to realise our diverse paths

Never to turn back
Never to shed a tear
No regrets
All the paradise lost
All the feelings numb
No regrets
On the last meeting
when ma words were cut short
by a short thanks
No regrets

I may never return
Nor do i expect a call
or a knock at the door
No regrets
Times have changed
So has the wind
In the crossroad of life
I may never
step on your path
No regrets
For this is ma life....................

Collection Of Words..................

Its somethin that i scribbled durin ma prelab hour..................its not exactly a poem......itz just a collection of words......................n some words are missin as i couldn't find ones good enough to fill the voids...................

Even in the Rush hour of
ma heart
the only signal that ever
tends to stop its beats
is your smile


The long silence that is occasionally
broken by the breath of warmness
Words find themselves to be strangers
in this conversation


Nothin is more blissful than thy expressions
which is soaked in the colours of..................
Ma eyes can't seem to stop searchin
and neither does the heart agree


I find maself lost in the cradle of
patience
When your face is red as ............
I never was to be the same person i am not
for someone i love.


The world may condemn me into darkness
laughin at ma memories
but they may never know the
essence until they experience
it all by them self


Rare being in love more rarer being
in that position
for i just dream on
let ma heart search
The secret i never know
for i may never find............................

COLLEGE LIBRARY.....................

The time in and out I spent in the college library scanning through the latest journals, books ,magazines…………….is really refreshing…………….not because I love engineering books its cause the silence really calms me down……………….ma favorite place before any exams……………..sometimes the silence gets so ear piercing that I tend to break the rule…………….one think I donn like about the library is the system of returning books……………where I have to shell out lots of cash as fine………….usually when I enter the library hall first I jam into the literature section ……………….nothing really excites me as most of the books aren’t updated………………the college has a vast reserve of journals………………what is really exciting is that all these books belongs to the 70’s n 80’s………….me n ma friends have a hard time sneezing ……………how on earth did they invent the stuff that we see today……………that’s really something that we ponder over……………whatever it is college library is one among the best places to be around…………………..

mE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little annoyin.......i always get the upright slap on ma face for "NOT TRUSTIN PEOPLE".........ma parentz n friendz do complain.............why goin on givin people that look..........hm)-:well its always on the safer side if u add a little element of suspicion............but,everythin beyond a breakin point is bad..........well i had ma share of good luck n bad luck 4 that kicky attitude of mine............well always on the lookout for reasons............people (team leaders) do say "opal awesome team spirit ya......"but, i really doubt............iv always had ma Friends screamin" u ain't gonna change..........stop askin the same question"well time to move on.............change....after all "CHANGE IZ DA SPICE OF LIFE"

connection of umbilical chord

May be because of deviation from ma usual attitude of "IM THE BOSS" to a more sober one of "LEAVE ME ALONE", I could see the tiny dot of suspicion in ma mama's eyes. As i started countin time sittin at ma desk.............. when I hit exact 20 I saw ma mom standin near ma desk. "wazz with your life" she asked. "Nothin" I said with the arrogance of a teenager. I could see on her face the strain of the mother of a 19 year old. She kept on naggin me for 30 min ............then finally for ma own peace of mind I said "havin a fall out with friend" .Mama's strained expression turned into a more relaxin one. She started narratin her own college days..........Its amazin how ma mom weaves her own story hidin a solution deep inside. She knows that givin an advice to a teenager like me is like tellin me not to even listen.............Instead of directly tellin she let me know that if the solution worked for her it may work for me 2...........True i fell into her trap.....may be its her experience with life that does the trick. I decided to carry out the same test on dad . If ma mom could figure out whats wrong with me surely dad will too.................dad saw ma sober expression n put in "place your bets who will win today's match??"

Im sure ma mom caught me starin with ma mouth wide open.......
Suppose thats the main difference between moms n dads. Whereas moms get involved in their children's day to day life dad's are more concerned about providin materialistic support to their kids.
that what they call
"connection of umbilical chord"

THE PROCESS....................

Has gone through the process of mendin mannier times n after each washout i try assuring maself that i won't have to go through the process next time n within days i find maself suffocated by advices.Each time the reason is same but, the root is different. Am i puttin maself through it??? or is it another teachin by life???? . Donno.........the most difficult one to mend are broken friendships. No matter how hard you try .....a crack does remain. How to deal with problems of opposite nature?????????? like jealousy n loyalty..........its difficult being on opposite sides cause it may force you to believe that your earlier decisions were wrong.Its easy suggestin but difficult being in the spotlight.So,advices from all corners will confuse one more."TO BE OR NOT TO BE" a frequented question..........so frequented that one stumbles on such seemingly simple one............Process of healin is a long one.........Let time play the surgeon n stitch ma wounds with new friendships................

picZ...............

These are some picz that capture the beauty n grace of munnar (kerala,India)..............these were taken durin our class trip..............

wheel..............

Nothin left to write............no words,no emotions,no complaints,no excuses..............whats left is the desire to suceed...........it may be too..........early for a prediction........but as i know ma self the burnin fire will grow cold in few days.............its the startin point enthusiasm that keeps the wheel rotatin..................hope it does for the entire semester................