The journey from 31-12-06 to 30-12-07

I really found ma dairy entry for the date 31-12-06 very interesting………..
31-12-06

Some things are better expressed in silence………..Being able to speak one’s mind out is the best thing to have happened to humans. But, at times it’s a curse more than a boon. So many emotions go astray……….that we hardly think before we speak. Words are a good healing source. So, are they root of all troubles……..when we speak out blindly it may hurt the person on the other side of the lane. What I mean is not that there’s no honest words left but ,is to evolve a process to open and close the Pandora’s box {mouth} without affecting anyone’s life. My frankness has come under fire so many times usually on occasions when I was expected to give a sugary speech ……which ends up in a bitter truth…….Whenever I have the urge to spit out the truth I restrain ma self keeping in mind the complex nature of human emotions………people who frequently appreciate openness in other’s comments are much more prone to sentimental attack than people who care less. I would never advocate speech measurement in daily life especially in midst of family and friends where you are expected to listen ,and speak out the truth….no matter what life moves on…..next time peek into your buddy’s mind before you speak out the truth………..

30-12-07

May be the one year experience has changed me a lot.........I'm no longer known for ma frankness..........instead for ma diplomatic approach..............Its hard still i know ma way around people...............ways of life................no matter what life moves on............

Black and White

When someone else destiny is resting upon your shoulders…….you start feeling like lots of pressure rested upon…………when your decision start dictating someone else’s life……….people expect you to make no mistakes……………its sometimes nerve wrecking. Most of the times if something goes wrong………..they blame it on your wrong decisions………..people expect us to be super humans or so…………..as iv said I never regret any of ma decisions in the past………but ,I would like to change an incident if given a chance………..I just don’t want to appear as if am selfish or so………..its for a friend……I think here too ma selfishness is dictating in its own terms… for a friend…..who should have had course of his life altered if not for ma stupid decisions…………every day I wake up brushing of ma past…………but, its just refusing to let go………….every time I see his face, the past comes hunting………the person in question has never ever blamed me for any of the incidents……….he says” it had to happen…….. if not you being the reason someone else…thank goodness its you because, I don’t feel bad” …that particular incident and the nightmares after ,changed ma life for good….it led to the shaping of a whole new me………..I may be never able to forgive ma self but, I will have to stand up and take responsibility………….for its just ma ego that destroyed a bright future……….

Can't wait any longer.........

Can't wait any longer for the party to get over...........had enough of gulping down the cakes.......not one not 2 but almost 12................Am i getting little bulky?yup think so.............but i love the festivities.........the joyful mood.........the feeling of togetherness............i guess the new year will have a lot in store for me..........

My first romantic poem............

My first romantic poem at the age of 14..............dedicated to ma friend Neethu on whose request I wrote this..........

Every time i felt like saying,

oh!what is happening?

my heart was over flowing with purity

beating still more fastly.

Each beat in a rhythmic way,

It hit my heart,a ray

Beginning of a new page it was

bearing of a new mass.

I still don't understand

the feelings underneath

I forgot time

the spring is here

but my heart is still bare

I lost its key it seems,

oh! sun beams

did you find a way to enter?

into my frozen heart

A missing link,

and i started calculating in pink

the love shared

with someone who never dared

to tell me the truth

At last i found the answer,

lying inside deeper.

It was my heart beeping

every time i saw myself weeping

And like a white feather

i will float in the sky

till someone holds me tight

by his might

I will wait

wait till that day

when my hearts key will be found

by someone I LOVE!

If tomorrow never comes...................

If i knew it would be the last

time that i see you fall asleep,

i would tuck you in more

tightly and pray

If i knew it would be the last time

that i see you walk out the door,

i would give you a hug and a kiss

and call yo back for one more

so hold your loved ones close today,

whisper in their ears,

Tell them how much you love

and you always hold them dear,

Take time to say "I'm sorry",

"please forgive me","thank you",

or"its okay",

And if tomorrow never comes,you'll

have no regrets about today

-Author Unknown

Words..............

"..........they told me

they' useless,sore

too dark,too crude,

too misplaced in time

so i dipped my pen in spirit

and soaked my words in wine......"

What if all the words in this world go missing.One fine day you wake up and find all the words lost.Then?????

Most of the problems cease to exist........no fighting ,no quarrels ,no explanations.................

But, imagine the situation of a gal who is waiting to propose her loved one.............imagine her having to do all that sign language thing.Imagine the situation of a mother waiting to hear her baby speak his/her first word.Right now I'm devoid of any words...............in ma world all the words are lost............forever...........

GiFt

The best gift you can give someone is your time,

when you give someone your time ,

you are giving them a part of your life,

which cannot be reclaimed.

Im too complicated for you..............

Stay away!!!!!!!!!!

Don't come any closer

for I'm too complicated for you...........

I have been over and under trying to mend the barriers...........but, the distance seems larger by each passing day.Can i do any justice to ma own feelings????? why am i branded wrong???????

Its just that the feelings can't be kept subsided for long.Yesterday, i felt like keeping ma head buried under the pillow and cry out loud .......but,i couldn't. Instead i sat there emotionless staring at ma engineering maths test .At one point i even wondered "which one is more heavy the book or ma heart?".I should have told ma issues to someone ....at least ma parents........issues that has been the reason for ma constant emotional imbalance.But, what if they just rub it of?.I can't bear further complications .Too much is too much.........I have been pulling ma self up and then it all shatters back ,spreading out............I'm locking ma self out from everyone......i know it won't do any good......but, why should i transmit the pain to someone else............no i won't.... i will go through this of ma own..............right now i think its better to write the feelings down rather than torture someone with ma complain spree........that's why i say

" stay away

dont come any closer

for im too complicated for you"

A Walk To Remember.........

I don't remember the colours

I don't remember the new faces

that have invaded the old ones.

I don't remember the changes bygone

But,i do remember the scent of the chalk powder

the sound of the bell

bustling labs

It was a walk to remember

by product of past

I was at ma bro's school to get his progress report

the school,that was mine

the school ,where i spent better part of ma life

the school where i learned the lessons of life

Suddenly everything seems new

long 3 years................

I have lost all ma pasts

still i took a walk through the

corridors

I could feel ma self,ma stories at every corner

the auditorium, standing on the podium where

i gave ma farewell speech.......

Clutching ma brother's progress report

in one hand

i made the exit through the gates

silently i said to ma self

"wish i would have never grown up

a walk to remember

down the memory lanes"

Back To Ma Roots

I was really touched by something that my brother wrote in his book.It goes like this

"Sometimes our life is too short to let the ones we love know that we really care"

Not something that i expected ma brother to write in......he may be right in his own sense.............its strange what i wrote beneath.........

"Not late.....let the one know that

you really value that person

before life takes you

to a new place where feelings

are lost for ever"

I still don't know why i chose to write something like that.I found a note on ma desk today morning .The shabby handwriting-no doubt ma bro.......

"thanks ................love you"

I really don't know in what way i helped him .Still really it left an impact on me.I took time off today to spent quality time with ma parents.It did touch ma heart.......thanks bro for getting me back to ma roots

Relationships don't work..............

How to prioritise relation?????????it gets so frustrating when one is in no man's land..............iv tried and tried.............the issues get more complicated when one of your friend can't stand the other.......then one is left with no other choice other than to choose.............iv tried spending quality time with both ma pals..........dint work out the way i wanted..............all iv been hearing for the past one week is"you were not there when i needed you"..........so where was i ?? if not with both of em'.................i can't understand.................i need some peace of mind really,..............

Movements

The moving river

that flows by its principle

never deviates from path followed

The moving leaves

that live by sacrifice unique

looks out into a better tomorrow

The moving clouds

that race past the sky

shows the true spirit of sedate

The moving wind

that spreads fragrance around

wishes to spread a smile

The moving fire

that symbolises determination

burns every obstacle in its path

Life is full of movements

that shows us the way of life

Movements of nature

that's truly beyond human imagination..............

Life Beyond.....

What i really need is some peace of mind............i know its hard to find any...... still...............just a break from ma daily routine of hurry Barry to little more relaxing one................when i tend to loosen up....ma consciousness comes back hunting.............do i have a life beyond this?????????i doubt............its hard how i multitask things, sometimes missing out.................even that is not pardoned............I'm expected to behave like a zombie................I'm sick of all this..........when will i get a break from ma complaining spree????????................not in near future i suppose................

Lost Soul...............

Don't feel like writing................all the words are getting locked up in ma mind.............feels like iv got long way to go...............sense of insecurity,frustration and anger filling up............i know it won't do any good ........as i don't know the source of ma problems.............i cannot connect with ma self......the soul is lost................iv got a different person residing within me.............n i cant seem to understand that person.................m.............have to go on............pull up ma life..............try picking up the lost bits................

Six Degrees

If not for the people around me i would have lost ma dreams and the will long before.At each stage of ma life i had people ,giving me a hand to hold on to and i can't thank them enough.

There are many things in life that we aren't comfortable discussing with parents cause they will never understand the seriousness and will rub it of as teenage drama.U can never expect them to view the world through your eyes...never!!!!!!!!

In school i just couldn't live without ma pals Appu ,Radhu, Riya, Ancy ,Mandoo, Sammy, Ruchi, Afthu n Jeebs.Some have changed with time while some refusing to...... with turning tides.They have been ma world.We were bunch of kids living life in our own terms.We enjoyed every second of school life without compromising on our principles.

College is sooo .......different from the tiny little shell that i believed to be "my world".Its lots of new experience that awaited me in college.Niv,Smi,Anu..... the ones that makeup ma life.Not everything is smooth as it seems..... playing the role of a mediator can sometimes burn all the emotions within.Lots of compromises ,lots of patience and hell lots of open mindedness :essentials for a a successful relation.But, sometimes i feel quite lonely as if iv been surrounded by people but no one to understand.

That's were Rahul ,Appu,Govind and Afsal comes in......the kind of emotional support that i receive helps me to sail through rough seas .Iv discovered the true essence of being there without always being there from them.

I have still 1 more year to going college and still lots more to in ma life.New people coming in and old ones moving out .........widening ma network of friends each day. May be that's what is meant by

"there is only 6 degree difference between any of us"

Giru................

Expecting to find the regular room of a 19 year old???????you are in for a surprise............ma room is worse than the pinky dreams of a five year's bed room..............iv adorned ma bedroom walls with latest toon characters ranging from sakura to dennis.............and on ma bed you will find a special person.............he has been a part of ma life for the past 4 years..............for people around me its just a lifeless toy but, if you ask me he is much more than a regular stuffed toy-giru: ma pet giraffe.........he doesn't anywhere look like a giraffe........he is more of a clone between a dog and a giraffe................the only thing that reminds you of the fact that he is a giraffe is the pattern all over his body.............he has been the force and inspiration,a person who i know will never shout back when I'm angry,never back out when I'm sad...............he knows me much better than ma parents..........what if he ever comes to life??will he express all his anger and frustration??????or will he give me that same look he gives me always when I'm down...............to be frank I'm too possessive about him and i don't like anybody even patting him....call it the arrogance or childishness of a 19 year old ,refusing to grow up..............ma parents and off course ma brother thinks it just too much to let giru sit calmly on ma bed............ma mother often reminds me:"you will get married in next five years....will you take him along with you????" off course i will........i cant even imagine a life without giru................for he is everything that i have..........