Height of Arrogance

Imagine yourself trapped in an argument with your parents.You shout,keep quite,shed tears.No use as they always seem to make statements that will project you wrong.
Initially with all due respects one tries to keep the situation cold by trying to avoid the topic or by not responding

When accusations reaches its peak one has no other option other than to just make your view point .The viewpoint may be termed as arrogance. "Arrogance???" that's when the heat starts building up. Accusations turn into deliberate attempts to poke up old issues.The scene gets more and more muddy by each minute,finally either leading to a walkout or a showdown.

But, all these incidents are ones to laugh about n forget the next day.May be this is what they mean by

forget and forgive

Ma self............

Always wondered..............

why am i building up a wall

around ma self???????

why am i running away

from relations???????

why am i behaving so cold??????

why am i not looking back?????

I never let anyone

come closer to me

so that they can hurt me

I'm just trying to protect

ma heart.........

Why am i like this

mmmmmmmmmm...........

if i don't let anyone take control

anyone see that I'm crying

i may have to shelter within

ma self.........

threading together what it seems

infinite loops...........

Give me time

give me space

so that

i can be more dependent

more considerate

and more ma self.........

Shattered Glass............

Personally ma feelings are nothing more than

a toy which can be broken at will

do i have a heart????????

do i have feelings????????

why don't anyone understands that...........

You can cry,laugh and me???????

am i to hold back ma tears

am i to show the world that I'm happy

Every time you make me cry

i try to reassure maself

"its momentary"

no it has been same for ages

am i your friend????????

why don't you understand me

you are lost in your own world

refusing to come out of past memories

while I'm struggling to keep ma new ones intact.............

I don't have words

no i don't expect anything

no i don't see maself smiling

its all shattered glass...........

shattered dreams............

shattered hopes.........

shattered lives...........

of two individuals

who have nothing in common ...........

Definition

The moment that describes me

the by product of bygone era

The smile that describes me

the curve of my whirly past

The eyes that defines me

the lost glitter of yesterdays

The colour that defines me

darkened by grey feelings

The hair that defines me

the black threads of missing links

Predict me not

for I'm deep as emotions

Accept me no

for I'm stranger than fiction

Question me not

for I'm vast as sky

Define me not

for I'm ghost of ma own self

The Deadly Sin

Jealousy is one human relation i love to hate , because it makes you look desperate and vulnerable.Yesterday what i did ,made me look like a fool exposing ma weakness .Any person has the right to prioritise relation and it always doesn't have to follow "first come first serve" basis.When one feels threatened then jealousy starts creeping up.In ma case its the time that's playing the tricks.After the tour i rarely got to spend time with ma buddy but, the feeling of being neglected ain't easy.When you feel victimised cause of new entry jealousy hits a new level.Thankfully i could figure out ma problem before someone else did.I think i should give both of em space and accept their friendship and move on.

Strange Relations

Certain relations are hard to explain and never bother to spend time explaining to people cause they will never understand…………..these relations are driven less by words and more by support………………At the end of the day you feel frustrated at the fact that you aren’t able to speak out your heart even though you want to………………….when the trust seem missing, things go haywire spinning out of control………….iv never felt that am doing the right thing…………..but I don’t want ma friend to feel left out, to feel desperate ,or feel lonely……………….things that I want to speak………….no……………….I can’t……..I feel as if struck by ma own innocence……………let time decide……

REalisatIOn

The 3 day trip to kodai and Pondi was one of a life time................3 important round ups of the trip

1. Formation of Athiria boys


2. Realisation that I'm different from others


3. Formation of pairs

First day was damn boring with the guys and gals finding it difficult to communicate............... but ,the scenario changed fast with the formation of Athiria boys "back bencher's association".............we danced and sang our way to glory..............they are the only reason why i never shyed away from things which i normally would try to avoid.................

But,it was quite impossible for a person like me to give ma body full strain...........most of the time ma friends caught me either napping or looking outside the closed window............playing soft tracks...................no one complained as everyone was enjoying................for me ,the clouds ,streams and the rain were everything. I was in a different world all together........................enjoying the sip of nature's beauty.............i couldn't imagine ma self shopping or wasting away ma time playing pranks.............

One thing that i couldn't understand till now is that how can two people whose conversation hasn't even crossed beyond "HI" in 1 year be talking for hours?????????? I mean can 3 days trip bring out visible changes?????? Yes, that's what this tour has taught me....................Niv couldn't hide her frustration inside today as she asked me"Whats there for these couples to speak for so long"???? the only answer i had was"How can i know........will tell ya after 3 years or so".............what else can i say.................

The tour was an eye opener in every sense testing and teaching the basic art of surviving..................hopping to enjoy and cherish every second of the best 3 days of ma life..............

Spreading A Curve

"Whats the most unique ability in any person?????"

I would say "Ability to spread a smile even while suffering deepest pain"

I would like to acknowledge 2 such people in ma life.One being ma buddy Anupama menon and other I'm sure that person will understand while going through this entry.Are such people strong by heart?.No, they are not .They are as vulnerable as any of us but their success lies in the fact that they can effectively mask their emotions.As iv seen they rarely open up and never let anyone see through them. When they do, its like a shower of a life time.......showering with all might.Iv always noticed a change in ma aura when Anu is around. We never discuss politics or war but ,subject with earthy tones.Nothing seems to affect such personalities, not at least when people are around

To both ya guys,

"keep that curve alive
cause without it
you are someone else"

Ma Second Life.........

We only get to live our life once.If i get a second chance will i live over ma present life?????????correct ma mistakes??????????

hmmm..............

I may go on living ma life with regrets.

burdens of high expectations.

burdens of failure.

burdens of missed chances.

What do i expect of ma second life

more comforts?????????

more opportunities????

more experiences??????

no.............i may live ma life the way it has been for the past 19 years.Without erasing any of the memories,without changing the course of any of the incidents.........for everything happens for a reason .Every little sorrow every small joy.Everything.................

If still I'm asked to change the course i may ask someone else do it for me...............cause i prefer watching ma life from a distance..........

Week That Was

Life for the past few days has been like still pond refusing to move.The days seem stretched n finally all what i wish for is the comfort of ma pillow.The depth of the pond is frightening n I'm not comfortable swimming deep.Everything has been like fast food this week."it did kill ma hunger but,dint give enough satisfaction"

Moving away from the fence i felt quite relaxing but, next week has whole lot in store for me .Starting with test n then the tours .Its like telling a prisoner who is about to be electrocuted that the electric chair doesn't work. It has become quite impossible to balance work n play.

One of ma friends is refusing to turn in. Not quite expected of her but,the reason is really annoying for she is doing all this for her Boyfriend. What crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

"one shouldn't sacrifice everything for love"

Shes playing it expensive putting an end to one relationship for another.I can never understand not a word of it but, guess its her choice.

When conversations become a silent affair doubts begins to crop up. You can't find a solution without a"PROBLEM" and when the problem is deep within its further difficult to communicate. Usually when one shares the point of view the load gets reduced n the pain too.

And yet again when you see a happy face filled up with dark clouds you your self get affected by it. During ma power electronics lecture hour i was surprised to see drops of tears in ma friend's eyes. I was taken aback as iv never seen her cry ,reason being quite painfully hard to understand.I Could feel the tears buidling up in ma eyes too.That's the effect of her company. Finally i did gather up all ma courage to comfort her. Week has been still hope it does make a move next week...............

Flying Away...............

Had enough being

a parasite

Feedin on ma parent's blood

weakening them each day

They say "Its time to fly of your own"

but, i refuse to let go

Clutching harder than before

"What if......."i put forth

Face the brutal world

fly away to touch the sky

all by yourself they say

"Never" i scream

I love your shadow

the sense of protection it gives me

The warmth it imbibes

I don't wanna face the realities

of life..........

One day i found maself

lost in the vastness of the sky

and i trembled with fear

But, slowly an ecstasy filled up

inside.........

the ecstasy of flight

the ecstasy of freedom

the ecstasy of self realisation

had enough being a parasite.....................

LOST CHILDHOOD...........................

Today i was goin through some of ma old picz n this is what i felt.................

Time again n again
Love visitin the lost childhood
Innocence and the smile
The faded photos that painted
a contrast
to the build in strained expressions
I could see ma self hidin behind ma
mother's blue polka Saree
Whenever i was called by name
The jumps and mischiefs
that never invited a scoldin
Life has changed 360
in 19 years
The smile has faded
The expressions more professionalised
Relations"need of time"
Childhood revisit me
Give me one more chance
to experience
Your essence

No Regrets............

Past few days i have rediscovered the poet within me........a small tribute to ma new found skill............


When i walk out of your door
No regrets
When i walk out of your life
No regrets
I was never meant to be there
Hand in hand we walked
Never to realise our diverse paths

Never to turn back
Never to shed a tear
No regrets
All the paradise lost
All the feelings numb
No regrets
On the last meeting
when ma words were cut short
by a short thanks
No regrets

I may never return
Nor do i expect a call
or a knock at the door
No regrets
Times have changed
So has the wind
In the crossroad of life
I may never
step on your path
No regrets
For this is ma life....................

Collection Of Words..................

Its somethin that i scribbled durin ma prelab hour..................its not exactly a poem......itz just a collection of words......................n some words are missin as i couldn't find ones good enough to fill the voids...................

Even in the Rush hour of
ma heart
the only signal that ever
tends to stop its beats
is your smile


The long silence that is occasionally
broken by the breath of warmness
Words find themselves to be strangers
in this conversation


Nothin is more blissful than thy expressions
which is soaked in the colours of..................
Ma eyes can't seem to stop searchin
and neither does the heart agree


I find maself lost in the cradle of
patience
When your face is red as ............
I never was to be the same person i am not
for someone i love.


The world may condemn me into darkness
laughin at ma memories
but they may never know the
essence until they experience
it all by them self


Rare being in love more rarer being
in that position
for i just dream on
let ma heart search
The secret i never know
for i may never find............................

COLLEGE LIBRARY.....................

The time in and out I spent in the college library scanning through the latest journals, books ,magazines…………….is really refreshing…………….not because I love engineering books its cause the silence really calms me down……………….ma favorite place before any exams……………..sometimes the silence gets so ear piercing that I tend to break the rule…………….one think I donn like about the library is the system of returning books……………where I have to shell out lots of cash as fine………….usually when I enter the library hall first I jam into the literature section ……………….nothing really excites me as most of the books aren’t updated………………the college has a vast reserve of journals………………what is really exciting is that all these books belongs to the 70’s n 80’s………….me n ma friends have a hard time sneezing ……………how on earth did they invent the stuff that we see today……………that’s really something that we ponder over……………whatever it is college library is one among the best places to be around…………………..