Ma room is filled with soft toys.I had planned for a give away for ma cousins but, every time i take ma self back to the memory lanes can't seem to separate them apart from ma life.Most of these teddies share ma deepest, darkest secrets and ya they give me company during cold nights.To part with them i believe is not an option no matter how hard i try . They should stay!!and i really don't care what ma room looks like with 7-8 furry creatures giving me company. Sometimes i rave about how unattached I'm with people and things and mom finds it quite not like me about arguing over a bunch of soft toys ,neither do i.No matter how hard you try to be unattached,deep down inside you still try to be that little kid screaming for attention.I act like a hypocrite at times,its love care and attention that i need and frequently fight for and when it comes my turn to repay here I'm...trying to question the whole concept of attachment.Well,the Archie's gallery stays!!!!!.Don't get fooled by the above picture,these are just the inmates in ma room they have their counterparts in different rooms, except in Bro's who finds the whole teddy bear thing "UN-MANLY"

Typing,deleting and retyping ,getting frustrated,pulling ma hair out,pressing my mob typing keys hard,chatting with ex mates,writing down some rubbish.Not in best of ma manners nowadays much to ma parent's displeasure.I'm confined to ma room,with the oily food giving me company.Have piled up 4 kilos already and raring to go.I'm gulping down the food,unbothered about the heart wrenching screams straight from ma stomach.I think i need to slow down on the intake and trim down a little.Not every one will be sweet to your buldging hips like your loved ones.

THERE IS A LOT OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOING WHAT YOU LIKE AND DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT YOU TO LIKE.HOW TO LET SOMEONE KNOW THAT THEIR DREAMS ARE NOT YOURS?

People ask me all sorts of weird questions at times and the one that tops the list is"what does your doggie do?".Does she guard your fortress,roll on the ground,fetch early morning newspaper?.Hell no! this is what she is good at.

MASS DESTRUCTION:my 4 pairs of shoes and 2 umbrellas have met with premature death all thanks to her special ability to make things irreparable.This was the sate in which i found my umbrella last day,she spend nearly 2 hours trying to lay her paws on the umbrella i kept above the car the previous day.When i went in to pet her,she greeted me with a grin and refusing to part with my umbrella. I quickly grabbed a stick and started threatening her with dire consequences and throughout the entire I'M TALKING TO YOU conversation she just kept tilting her head sideways.At the end of the speech she gave me that cute puppy faced look,which did force me to throw away the stick i was holding. After 2 days of suppressed hormones, she is back in action people by tearing off bro's shoes.Keep your umbrellas and shoes at a distance cause MIKKU is guarding the house.

Don't ask me the same question twice,I may end up getting confused.After much deliberations,i have decided to pack ma backs to embark on a different journey, a journey through the land of IC's and electronics to reach the final destination of educational enlightenment.So, let me break the news to all you people,who still haven't received an answer to the question"What next?".Well, I'm going to join Amrita engineering college,Coimbatore to do ma MTech in VLSI.I have been asking myself a lot lately"Is this what i wanted?" and i don't seem to hear a reply.Forcing myself to adapt to the 2 years of technical meltdown, hopefully the whole experience will help me appreciate technical studies .Now im closed for the question answer section.Good night people.

FEEL THE LOVE!!!

That was the most uncomfortable position i have ever been in quite a long while,in between two silent lovers,me chirping in sentences to fill the empty atmosphere.Both of them were least interested in listening to my lectures on life and beyond as they were staring at each other or was it??.I remember him yelling at me"keep your head low,I can't see her" common it wasn't the compliment i was expecting for helping him see his lady love and better not to start on the shy lady love.She kept looking at the concreted pavements,her head stooping low for the entire one sided conversation .......never did once she look at him.Classic case of typical mallu girl.The conversation was between me and the sea,we both sharing a point or two about the life.The whole setting seemed straight out of a 70's film and i still don't understand where i fit the bill between the two of them. I accompanied her,for there was no way her prince charming would save her from her high walled palace,for the time being Mr.Prince charming hasn't found his way around her parents.There comes the saviour [ME],the Prince's bestie and the Lady Love's good friend.I pretend to come visiting and takes her to meet him ....up to that part of the story,its quite ordinary but, siting between two lover's trying to mask their hidden affection from the public glare is embarrassing.I was more daring in my endeavours!!.I was witness to driving emotions,tears,sarcasm laced with affection etc etc etc.After i decided that the one sided conversations couldn't go on,me and the lady love rose from the bench ,opened the umbrella and walked through the pouring rain,her cheeks still warm from the fresh tears,he sat on the bench drenched in rain looking towards the ships that sailed past. After a 5 minutes walk she took a U turn and walked straight towards him while i waited down the jetty.May be the 3's company made it uneasy for her and i decided it was better off without me this time around.It paid off,i see them walking towards me,both with the same old plain expression but, better than the one's pasted on their face before.Well, what a day!!!

When it comes to selecting between two things that involves the same amount of commitment and sacrifice i feel lost like a girl stranded in a chocolate shop ,trying to choose between two chocolates.Wish decisions in life were as easy as selecting a candy. CAREER vs RELATIONSHIP,the age old question that has confined many of the potential CEO's in kitchen.If i had a stable life there wouldn't have been much of a confusion but,there is nothing so called normalcy in ma life at this point.Mom and Dad earns and i just eat and adds on weight.What a glorious life of uselessness. I'm stuck in the no man's land. Feeling miserable!!!!!

Watching the rain

as the rain drops kiss your cheeks

The wind blowing your hair that covers your face

windows hitting hard on the pane

Romantic!Romantic !Romantic!

You need to experience the playful bliss from the balcony

Unrestricted screeching of the wind

forcing you to run for cover

Water pearls dripping down the lotus leaves

The sound drops of water makes as it gets collected in the pot...

The dismayed look on ma doggy's face
The warmth of the pillow

The steaming aroma of the cardamom tea

changing the channels,while one's eyes are fixed on some other dreams

The cow grazing unbarred by the rain

coconut palms swaying to the tunes of the wind

The wet clothes sticking to your curves

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF MONSOON

I'm not much of a one liner person but,guess what i came up with?
"STAY OFF MA GRASS!!!ITS FOR ME TO GRAZE"
If you see the context in which the liner has been shot,you would probably roll on the floor laughing.

An hour's walk from the railway station to the jetty,with your loved one.....the one scene that has been replaying in ma head for the whole day. This is ma interpretation of the scene....

Both the lover's are scared on being caught by someone they know but, they still gather up enough courage to take the longest walk of their lives as its one of those rare moments he gets to share with her all his emotions that has been clogged in his heart for years.They wait down the jetty,as the boat arrives she moves onto the ticket counter,he watches her walk away and the loneliness that she leaves behind cuts deep down his heart.He gathers in courage to ask"You want me to come?".She nods,leaving the decision into his hand,he swiftly goes to the counter"two tickets please".This is the reason why i say"MA BEST FRIEND IS THE CHEEKIEST ROMANTIC ON PLANET EARTH"

Sometimes i turn ma head and run straight to ma room after hearing the sarcastic comment from that guy.Nothing much to reply to a person,who has success/ego etched onto his name.I can't even seem to remember a day where i haven't tried ma very best to lace the sarcasm with ma tired smile.I know the baggage that comes with the fact that i have a bother whose technical part of the brain is far superior than mine,but not in the wildest dreams i have imagined that he will find pleasure in humiliating me in front of ma friends. I have grown over the idea that "you are not as good as me" .Even after constant reminders from dad to keep his feet on ground he keeps on pestering ma brain cells. It set me thinking"What am i worth anyway?".Ma parents shelled out 2 lakh for ma 4 years course and ya this guy required less than 30 K.Ma head keeps on getting filled with weird ideas and i do am clogged with identity crisis.I do have one but constantly being ripped apart by ma own sibling.I had enough of the torture.....

Why does a sad news always follow a good news?.Don't we have the right to be happy for a day?seems like not.Bro bagged 718th rank in kerala entrance and as i rushed in the news to ma uncle and grandma,i wasn't prepared for the next shock....uncle met with an accident,he is diagnosed with shoulder injury.When i rang him up,he didn't utter a word and ya i didn't ask much too for,he is supposed to be at his office place now.All the joy gets drowned in one sad incident and ya we don't feel like celebrating Bro's success.Ma college buddy Geeth's is on a 4 day stay at home....as i type in this post she is out with ma other mates enjoying the sunny beaches of fortcochin.Unfortunately for me, I'm in no mood for fun i have lots in ma bag right now and that includes a visit to the village office.Until next time....chow!!

Every time I keep ma smile intact I fail miserably. Time to go back to the shell and do some damage control. Its difficult not to get hurt and when you have people around who constantly remind you how fragile your heart is things doesn’t seem any better. Sometimes I wonder the whole point of existence…aren’t we thriving on ballooned ego and jealousy?.I do get sick of ma existence and I do ask God, ”There are plenty of people who wants to add another day in their life you don’t seem to care about them instead you prolong the misery for those who don’t actually bother much about their life “.Relations are just threads, that break on stretching..apply some force and then see the centre portion thinning out. Things we forsee but, some things gives you a hard blow totally unexpected and the impact of the blow doubles because you Weren’t prepared .Today, something or certain someone hurt ma pride with some pictures that has nothing to do with me and that is the problem.Well, you can’t expect someone to treat you the way you treat them right?.They have a choice and its upto them to decide what they want to do. I'm no ANGEL and may be I deserve the cold shoulder. I keep on reminding ma self that I don’t want to tangle ma self with the treads and ya its just another incident that concretes ma basic principle ”STAY AWAY,I'M TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU”

Talking about technology leaves me gasping for breath.It makes the air around so polluted,call me illiterate but any intelligent person can have his/her BAD TECHNOLOGY DAY.It not everyday that you get to laugh at ma cost,so go on read and have a heartily laugh. Last day Dad came into ma room furious"You embarrassed me in front of ma friends".On getting to the root of this statement an old story reappeared from its grave.The week before I gave him some technological gyaan which backfired.All thanks to 50+ tech guys.On being asked about the data cable,I replied innocently"I can't use this data cable Dad!!whenever you use connect it to the virus infected computer,virus comes out and sits inside the cable and next time you use it on another computer,virus spreads". Dad spread ma wisely statement among his friends only to be booed by them.Well, now i know computer virus isn't an animal

I was feeling little down for the past few days.Reason being,the void that has been filling up ma heart or to be more precise the feeling of letting people down.Ma parents weaved their dreams around me and, i never realised how important these dreams are for them.I failed miserably in coloring their world ,barely saving ma self from disgrace by scoring a 84 for boards and a 4411 in kerala state entrance.My parents never realised that the younger one will rise anywhere near to the standard i set in 10th. He picked up bits and pieces and wove their dreams back on. We are expecting him to hit a 3 digit for kerala. Its not jealously but, a sense of" Why couldn't i do this for ma parents?'.27th after ma exams i went back to class,waiting for ma parents to turn up for ma convocation as i was called in,i searched for ma name on the list,it wasn't there in the usual list and i panicked.Silpa,brought it to ma notice that ma name ,was put in 5th as I'm the 5th recipient of the Dean's Honour List.Don't even bother to ask how i felt especially ,when all the parents are present and ma parents would get a chance to say"That's ma daughter".What came of as strange is the comments i received from ma own batch mates"Wow!! never knew you were a bhuji".Well, for a girl who wears 3 studs,changes her bag every fortnight,walk as if she doesn't care ,may be they find it difficult to gulp in the fact.Whatever the comments are,I saw ma parents gleaming and that was the most memorable moment of ma life.I may never get a chance like this again.This is just to let the world know"I LOVE MA DAD AND MOM"

For all those who drub my absence from the blogging scenario as ma attempt to upset the topper,You are wrong.I'm so preoccupied with ma life that finding time to log into the bogging arena to type random letters seem such a waste of time.I have better things to do like to catch "Hope and Faith" or eat ma meal at the right time.Grandpa and grandma is home,enjoying their long vacation and suddenly the house seems filled,bustling with activities from morning 5 to late night 12.None of the excuses for quitting the meal works with grandma as she carefully fills in ma plate with food big enough to feed ma brother.Speaking of brother,he has fulfilled Dad's dream by being school 2nd in 12th.Scoring 88% in 12th CBSE is a big thing and that's comes straight from a person who has gone through the torture.Yay!!! 3 year countdown have begun and I'm wishing for a ride to the future in a time machine to get a peak into what it like on the D-Day. 27th , ma last exam falls on this beautiful Wednesday and after which I'm held by promises of a 3 days class.Hope i can complete all prior engagements before the plane touches the runway. Right now lemme get back to the world of file management,UNIX and deadlocks.

The conversation:

SMI: You got your mark?.I asked Vish to take a note of it.

ME:No, actually i don't have any contacts with any of the so called classmates not even Vish and ya he didn't message.

SMI: Now that' not ma case,ma inbox is filled with texts and missed calls.

ME: Ohh!!! i get it,you are going to college everyday right?

SMI: You are good in your guess .They want me to come to college everyday, seems like they can't study without me.

ME: What would have happened if God hadn't given us this gift?

SMI: We wouldn't have got the least respect showered on the beggars even.

ME:Ya!!!!!!they need us and that's the reason they stick around.

SMI:So true

ME:Will see how many of them will remember us after college too.

SMI:You kidding...NO ONE...

Part of being non social is that you wouldn't have to bear the sight of the parasites . You never gain nor loose and then there are genuine people like ma bestie Smi,who keeps aside all personal duties to help out the so called Friends in times of NEED even after ,back to back experience that proves they are not worth all the trouble.I respect her for that ,may be I'm not as generous as she is.I used to hang around college during study holidays,prepare in advance so that the next day i can share ma knowledge base.It doesn't satisfy ma self anymore as the face masks come peeling off ,the human in me decays for better good. May be its better to go to college and study rather than wasting away ma time but, why be in an environment where you are not comfortable being you?.I don't want the crown and the tag well,that's not what I'm and that's not what i want to be.

Today i went shopping with mom.She remembered, ma request for a new hand bag which was made last week,we went into the shop and started going through everything.Its difficult to get what you visualise but, then with no other option you are forced to pick one. I quite liked this bag(I have a fetish for hobo bags),then when i asked the salesperson the cost i kind off kept it back in its place.Rs 499/- the bag screamed ,mom started to walk towards the cashier that's when i stopped her "I don't want" I declared.This part of the story is something ma mom hates,she thinks after forcing the salesman to open all the plastic covers, we need to spend some cash there. I don't agree with her theory at all.If you don't like something why bother spending your money, time and resources on it,the shops don't expect us to buy all the things in the display right?.500 is a small amount ,I know and if i had a job i would happily spend my money on that bag but, when you thrive on some one Else's cash,it better to keep the wish list to yourself.I remember going to west side with Dad ,I know dad could have brought what i wanted if i nodded but,if i did i would never understand the value of money.Ma parents work ,work and work more to provide me and bro with the lifestyle we are enjoying right now,and spending their hard earned money just because i want a new bag is not fair.I go on spurge right after vishu and onam when i have enough cash in ma hand to do what ever i want.Though not earned through hard work the guilt factor doesn't come into play and my small fetishes are fulfilled.Now, that I'm all set to finish college, there are so many things i want to buy,then I'm not financially independent and that very fact keeps me grounded to Earth.If i do have a job!!!I'm the one responsible for a bank balance at the end of the day and i will spend as i like but, wisely.Money in crude gives you power,keeps you happy and gives wings to dreams.I may buy or not buy but, i do have the power to buy if i want to and that feeling needs to be felt.Right now, all the money from Vishu is safely hidden in ma drawer,it gives me sense of pride to go on counting the 10's and 20's day after day.Iv drawn ma wish list ,every time i look at the list i force ma self to think of the situation where i have to ask for pocket money and the logical part of brain takes the right decision to put off the list until i get a job.
Expensive gift are a definite NO-NO for me!!!!.When you give someone a gift like that you feel that the tag shows your love.A big wallet may not buy you love and one can easily spot between a genuine gift and a gift to show the size of one's wallet.On the receiving end i wouldn't personally like an expensive gift,anything above 500 is expensive for me if its not ma cash but if it is its not.Gifts makes me happy but, expensive not so much.I'm looking forward to the week ahead,its special in many ways and ya until ma next post spend the moolahs wisely.

A career switch perhaps will be the best option.People swarming in to give their valuable advices,this phase of life is certainly frustrating. Where is all the balance in life gone?,seems like it got frustrated and decided to run off to some calm place. Should have joined for MBA ,now i feel,it was way better than sitting here idle.2 more bank exams coming up guess, i will gather the lost motivation by then.Its just plain frustrating, especially when you feel the bad vibes from people around.JOB..JOB..JOB...that's the only thing up in my head nowadays and does that help in scrubbing of my laziness.NO!!!!!!!! ya i need some order in my life,or else i will die as a regular person in the crowd.I need to work hard ,I tell my inner soul and catch it napping at that instant.Why can't it listen ?.Why can't my parent's listen?.Why can't my friends listen?.Life is filled with confusion and anger and i need to do some soul searching. I may not become CEO of Microsoft but,that attitude doesn't have to force me to think that I'm far less than millions of people round the globe. I will have to prove to people around me that I'm one of a kind and it's just a matter of time.

Fights->Tears->Make ups->Smiles->Fights...In love its a vicious circle.Wish i were more sensible in speech,let brain do all the thinking and give ma mouth a rest.When you are red with anger,you forget to weigh your words.Bad idea,to say something so painful and apologising later but, somehow all these theory fails to impress me.Years may add grey hairs and grey matter into one's brain but, mine seems damaged.Please God!!!!!!!!!! help me change ,glue up ma mouth next time with fevicol when I get angry for no reason.I turn back and see tears and it makes me feel miserable.Anger should follow a failed logic reason and for me i doesn't matter all I need is an air of self induced"There is a .000000000001% decrease in the love" doubt. I'm with the best guy in the world but,what is the point of being in love if i can't keep him happy?