Unhappiness

There is way too much going on in my life, some of which has no answers or reasonable approach to solving. I have been brought up in a very caring and loving family environment, so much so that, I have a delusional view of the concept of family. Me and my brother had equal roles to play, there was no special preference to the male gender in the house and I have always seen my dad helping my mom with the household chores. They are partners in the institution of marriage. I have been married off to a very polarized family, the one that only dwells on degrees and status; where love and care does not even waft through the air and personal growth is only through comparison. Sometimes, I feel trapped, forced to excel above my sis-in-law cause she is much better (as my father in law puts across) even if I don't want to. I can't grow ahead in career cause their son needs someone to take care of his life. Ooh well, she is earning X lakhs and you, you better sit at home cause anyways you need to take a break in the future. I am just tired!!!pleasing people, trying to put a fake smile. The feeling just got worse as my little brother went to say goodbye to my in-laws before leaving for INA (Indian Naval Academy). Its a pathetic job according to my in-laws (serving the country that is). I was furious at this said statement, why can't they for once be happy about someone?. No!!! well they dwell on unhappiness. I would turn crazy if I have to deal with such negative souls day in and day out. Dear lord, please do listen to my prayers....

They say when two individuals marry, the families too are bonded for eternity, a statement my family overlooked for the perfect track record of the guy who loves me to the moon and beyond, after all it's difficult to get a well educated, good-looking, near to perfect character guy. The events that occurred post my wedding, the one that is still happening is so emotionally draining. If you see, my in-laws are not bad human beings, but their life choices and influences are much different from mine. I need love, care, compassion, and good laughs and not high level contacts, competition, money, and status to walk though bed of thrones. I don't understand why people need to pull you down, telling you that you will not be able to do a certain thing. I am not such a person, and I would like to ward of such negativeness from my life.

When darkness falls

A point will come, when neither your satisfied professionally nor personally. The high price of loosing the fine balancing thread is what I am paying right now and that too with my life. My head has been so bruised by the happenings around that I would want to go somewhere far far away, and dump all my sorrows. Life is not easy, nor did I expect it to be, but the circumstances for survival is becoming grim. There comes a point in everyone's life, where they feel "enough is enough". I am threading through that line. Somewhere deep within I know that quitting is definitely not one of my traits and going through the immense pressure every single day, without a helping hand is also not one of my finest traits.

Deep exhale and move on, but where to? certainly your are playing with my sensitive side, certainly you are wounding my pride, certainly I would love to disappear into thin air.

Its all becoming too hard to handle, too difficult to understand, too fogy to see past. Life this year was at an all time low. The tears and the random bouts of sadness engulfing me and turning my heart all black, I watched myself being consumed by pain and the saddest part?. I couldn't do anything about it. For once I held on to the rope that I believed would be my salvation rope, but alas only fools believe in miracles. I am drowning in the pit of black sand, trying desperately to get out, only to feel my legs being vigorously pulled back in.

I am

I am misunderstood, I am stereotyped, I am healthy, I am flimsy, I am a cry-baby, I am a sister, daughter and wife. I am a woman!!!

Life is going on smooth, or more or so I like to believe, but job-hunting is probability eating up my sanity. I am looking forward to my two year anniversary. I spent my free-time either dancing my worries away or swimming through the ocean called YouTube. I love watching rains from indoors, but getting wet and dirty, well 'No thanks !!!'.

I feel, life is too short to learn all that you can grasp and after 25, the brain activity kinda slows down. I repeat the statements multiple times just so that I don't scribble anything stupid for the people around me to laugh at. I would love to write CAT one more time. I can't explain the high I get while solving Math problems.

Hair color, I love long tresses with slight ombre or pale highlights. I so wish I had Rapunzel-like hair, well coming back to reality, only extra deep conditioning makes my hair look like they are ready not to catch fire.

I love Makeup. I shouldn't be saying this, especially for someone who used to advocate natural beauty and blah blah. At least I m not advocating plastic surgery!!!Stop the hatred right there, if you have undergone plastic surgery, no hard feeling because I feel It's a personal choice. I don't get up everyday looking like a hindi-serial actress, no I have my sad-dull-depressing days when I would be wishing for a tucked chin pouch, but then there are ooh-so-awesome days when I would be loving everything about me. Makeup is just a tool to enhance once natural beauty, to make once feature standout. I feel empowered, strong, and feminine at the same time. I am a  strong advocate of letting your skin shine through. Makeup should be only used as a tool and not something you can hide behind.

I love my friends, few who I interact on a day to day basis, few whom I don't keep in touch with, and a few who don't the other way around. Well, I have very few close friends. The ones I can call at the middle of the night, well nonexistent. In spite of my social awkwardness there are people I cherish, for whom I will wage a war, or lay out my life and yeah no prize for guessing, that's my FAMILY.

Well, now I feel light hearted. This post is a puzzle of sort, a perfect concoction of my thoughts. 

Workplace dilemma

The second family with whom I spend my 5 x 9 hours a week has given me an amazing bunch of friends. It has also taught me a bit about office politics, dynamics, and physics. What I also learnt is where to draw a line when it comes to personal interference. In every office, there is this one person whom you wouldn't get along with. The reason can be as silly as 'I don't like how he/she looks' to more serious ones like workplace harassment. What I have learnt over the years is that, if not warranted or requested, keep the advice and suggestion to oneself. It would save you from embarrassment and save your friendship. 

I have been facing a peculiar problem in my workplace over the past 6 months. Comments that are supposedly harmless are being frequented at me and after a while they are not harmless anymore. They are plain annoying. Usually, I defer from strong reactions to balance out workplace ethics, but so it seems someone needs a whole lesson and more more on that topic. Passing a comments over ones weight or marriage is not part of team bonding activity, it is one such activity that should be kept in the heart and not let slip through the tongue. I am a very sensitive person and take offence in personal comments, but still choose to ignore. Come a point even the snake spits venom from its fangs and right now I am on the verge of doing exactly that. A direct confrontation is not something that I would prefer, but I have no choice left.

Have you faced such a scenario in your workplace?. How do you deal with such situations?

Happiness is

After coming across, tons of posts in FB on 'HAPPINESS IS' I have decided to pen down my own little version.

So, HAPPINESS IS:

• Watching my hubby smile.
• A perfect-hot cup of tea in the morning.
• Talking to my parents.
• Shopping with mom.
• Preparing food for hubby.
• The smell of tadka.
• Reading Cosmopolitan.
• Watching the rain.
• Weekend travel to home.
• Perfect hair day.
• The perfect smokey eye.
• The first ray of sun on my face.
• A good night's sleep.
• A good facial.
• Running
• Wind in my hair.
• Bike rides.
• To find that the old clothes fit me perfectly.
• Yummy dessert.
• Gossiping with my friends.
• Compliments.
• Listening to Shaan's Ghumsum ho kyom
• Writing.
• Job.
• Smelling the freshly laundered folded clothes.
• Arranging my dresser.

There you go, a perfect blend of simplicity and materialistic pleasures. Sound very ME.

Frustrated mind

May be because I am born a woman, sacrifices are expected of me. I have figured that though how much ever you are taught about equality by your parents, you end up in a jungle full of prejudice and chauvinism. I see a stark contrast in what is expected from me and what I want for myself. They are not necessarily the same. I don't harbor soft feeling to the righteous woman tag either. A woman may be a good multi-tasker, but it doesn't mean she is happy juggling different roles. Sometimes the norms make me wanna run of to some distant place with no man species to cause ripples in my mental palace. 

I have to let everything go, the ones I strive for, as one by one I have seen my dreams shatter. People want me to become something I cannot fathom myself to be. I am not a domesticated animal who obeys his master and when I dare to question "If me, why not him" they sush me off, saying that's how it's always be. I don't get it! I am tired, high on cetrazine, pulling up my warm saley jacket, wishing if things would change. I see no escape route, and things are meant to be this way.  

This picture has no relevance whatsoever to this topic, but see how the whole scene is so calm and so serene?. Rather than the whale of turbulence hitting ashore, wish my mind was little something like the emotions depicted in this picture.

Tomorrow

"Beta see you next time", as she held me close, I felt a tinge of sadness swelling inside. My friend's mom who was visiting us girls was leaving. Why was I feeling the pinch, I tried to confront my inner self. At this point of my life, precisely the wrong side of 20's is teaching me a thing or two about myself. Throughout I have maintained that I am a pure Aquarian, someone who believes in no strings attached, someone who is unemotional and not affected by people. 

No!!!I am a far cry from what I project myself to be...I break down, I don't like people walking out of my life, I hate being alone, I sulk when I don't feel loved. Is it the life juncture I am in? Have I changed? I am far more sensitive to people than I was, I listen as much as I talk, I walk the middle road. Who knows by 30, I might be back to my unattached self. If life has taught me something, that is to be unbiased, and open minded. Who knows what tomorrow holds. 

End of 2013

It's a fresh start, the office looks bare with few associates. As the world ushered in the new year spirit, I was lying on my couch watching Sherlock in awe. What presence of mind, what a charmer. The whatzaap alerts were going down by numbers as the clocked showed another 15 minutes for 2014 to begin.

The last day of 2013 was like any other day WORK-HOME (an early 5 pm one)- GYM-HOME. I decided to just lie down and reflect on the fading year. My brother who had joined me in Bangalore was having a sound sleep. Can't blame the poor guy, he had office the next day. Sherlock was distracting me, or rather taking away my pain. I was all alone this New Years!!!my flatmates had gone out and I didn't have the zing to book up a fancy place for dinner. The cook, had prepared paneer-mattar masala, would eat out 2 chapathis and call it a day. Frankly, I couldn't sleep...nor could I let the feelings go.