After giving it much thought and more than a week of introspection I mailed him. Well, I had 0 hopes of him replying to my mail, I wasn't even sure whether he checks his mails regularly. I had rerun this moment for the past few years...... I needed some peace of mind, I needed to sleep without regrets and now that my wedding was so close by I had to let go of my past. He wouldn't judge cause, I have the perfect excuse "wedding invite" if the conversation, if any gets out of hand.
I sent the mail on a dull Wednesday afternoon and forgot all about it, until Friday when a beep in the middle of a meeting was ignored for, I thought it would be some junk mails from the innumerable online sites that I once registered but never got around shopping at. Well, after the meeting....I checked my mail only to see his name and contact number. I kept delaying the confrontation, and finally on a Sunday mustered all the courage I had to ring him up.
I started with the usual Hi!!, he didn't recognize my voice after all, why would he remember someone who abandoned him during his crisis hour. I reintroduced myself, just like I did in 2nd year.
FLASHBACK: He was grumpy, rugged and was getting into Engineering college after 2 years of repeating for Medicine and that made him older to me..... more like brother figure. We bonded over common topics, exchanged numbers and during those times when there were no TRAI regulations....we texted for hours until our balances expired. He had his set of issues, friends and family problems and I was his only source to vent out the anger. He would be drunk on days and used foul language on people he hated. On sober days we would talk about classes, bitch about teachers and so on. Never once, I repeat never once I felt any sort of romantic inclination towards him. Even after my attempts to teach him C, he flunked. He was going through a rough patch and I did my very best to do everything from listening to him at 2 am in the morning to do his assignments and call proxy. Our friendship bloomed much to the dismay of my girl friends. He had this bad boy image in front of my friends which I tried in vain to erase. He was soft, vulnerable inside and I acted as his shock absorber. Meanwhile, I was struggling from my own issues, my mad crush on one of the seniors, indifference mended out by my girl friends and my grades. 2 years passed by and all of a sudden I started feeling uncomfortable around him cause, all eyes were glued on to us. We were topic of discussion in the staff rooms, we were constantly linked. I panicked..NO!!! this was not what I wanted from this relationship. The final straw to end the relationship was when he came upto me and told me how his friends felt he was falling for me...he didn't tell he loved me, never but, that kind of freaked me out...I started avoiding him, he chased me.... he asked me what was happening, but I left him there without a satisfactory answer. One day I snapped, I told him the lamest excuse and how I don't want to be part of his life. That was it, he refused to come to class, he refused to write exams. Later all of his friends accused me of giving up on him while he struggled with his demons. He recoiled back to pre days and became a full fledged alcoholic. He flunked in multiple exams and all the while I stood there, while my GFs appreciated the right move. I moved on with life while he was stuck in that moment. His friends still hate me for whatever happened to him. YES I deserve to be hated, loathed and threw stones at. I deserve every fucking word that comes out of his mouth. Today as I look back I feel I could have changed a whole lot of what transpired between us that day, I could have avoided all of the shit that happened.
PRESENT: Today he works for a top MNC, away from my presence. There was always a weird silence looming over us whenever we met. The words were at large and we were not two individuals who started our journey over a cup of coffee. We were two individuals who had messed up each other life with me having a larger role in messing up HIS life.
After minutes of awkward silence and me inviting him for the wedding, we talked which could have done much much before. I told him I acted out of sheer stupidness and the people I were with didn't help in making a wise decision. He listened to my 20 minutes confession, and in the end asked me one simple question “Do you realise you missed out on something?". YES!!! I replied, "Our friendship". YES!!! he repeated...Well, we cut the call promising each other we would keep in touch , a part that I intend to keep. Today I am at peace with myself.
I sent the mail on a dull Wednesday afternoon and forgot all about it, until Friday when a beep in the middle of a meeting was ignored for, I thought it would be some junk mails from the innumerable online sites that I once registered but never got around shopping at. Well, after the meeting....I checked my mail only to see his name and contact number. I kept delaying the confrontation, and finally on a Sunday mustered all the courage I had to ring him up.
I started with the usual Hi!!, he didn't recognize my voice after all, why would he remember someone who abandoned him during his crisis hour. I reintroduced myself, just like I did in 2nd year.
FLASHBACK: He was grumpy, rugged and was getting into Engineering college after 2 years of repeating for Medicine and that made him older to me..... more like brother figure. We bonded over common topics, exchanged numbers and during those times when there were no TRAI regulations....we texted for hours until our balances expired. He had his set of issues, friends and family problems and I was his only source to vent out the anger. He would be drunk on days and used foul language on people he hated. On sober days we would talk about classes, bitch about teachers and so on. Never once, I repeat never once I felt any sort of romantic inclination towards him. Even after my attempts to teach him C, he flunked. He was going through a rough patch and I did my very best to do everything from listening to him at 2 am in the morning to do his assignments and call proxy. Our friendship bloomed much to the dismay of my girl friends. He had this bad boy image in front of my friends which I tried in vain to erase. He was soft, vulnerable inside and I acted as his shock absorber. Meanwhile, I was struggling from my own issues, my mad crush on one of the seniors, indifference mended out by my girl friends and my grades. 2 years passed by and all of a sudden I started feeling uncomfortable around him cause, all eyes were glued on to us. We were topic of discussion in the staff rooms, we were constantly linked. I panicked..NO!!! this was not what I wanted from this relationship. The final straw to end the relationship was when he came upto me and told me how his friends felt he was falling for me...he didn't tell he loved me, never but, that kind of freaked me out...I started avoiding him, he chased me.... he asked me what was happening, but I left him there without a satisfactory answer. One day I snapped, I told him the lamest excuse and how I don't want to be part of his life. That was it, he refused to come to class, he refused to write exams. Later all of his friends accused me of giving up on him while he struggled with his demons. He recoiled back to pre days and became a full fledged alcoholic. He flunked in multiple exams and all the while I stood there, while my GFs appreciated the right move. I moved on with life while he was stuck in that moment. His friends still hate me for whatever happened to him. YES I deserve to be hated, loathed and threw stones at. I deserve every fucking word that comes out of his mouth. Today as I look back I feel I could have changed a whole lot of what transpired between us that day, I could have avoided all of the shit that happened.
PRESENT: Today he works for a top MNC, away from my presence. There was always a weird silence looming over us whenever we met. The words were at large and we were not two individuals who started our journey over a cup of coffee. We were two individuals who had messed up each other life with me having a larger role in messing up HIS life.
After minutes of awkward silence and me inviting him for the wedding, we talked which could have done much much before. I told him I acted out of sheer stupidness and the people I were with didn't help in making a wise decision. He listened to my 20 minutes confession, and in the end asked me one simple question “Do you realise you missed out on something?". YES!!! I replied, "Our friendship". YES!!! he repeated...Well, we cut the call promising each other we would keep in touch , a part that I intend to keep. Today I am at peace with myself.
8 comments:
That was quite a confession...am glad you are off the guilt now...calling him was a good decision after all :)
CONFESSION, though the word sounds like a lot of satisfaction but not always, it was great on your part. After all, things don't go your way all the time. Nice was reading your confession.
smile always because you look damn pretty that way :)
Thanks for your lovely comment
Love
Surabhi :)
quite a confession- must have caused you a lot of sleepless nights!
I understand the guilt you feel but you were young and vulnerable, no fault of yours, and the way we are brought up in society doesn't help to make important decisions at a young age. am glad you feel lighter now and things have cleared up.
It is good that you decided to do it before marriage and u ll feel less burdened..
OMG..I felt so relaxed after reading the few lines in the end ...Such confessions are indeed helpful in taking out all possible assumptions we make in due course of time...better late than never!So when are you getting married??All set!!
A Pearl Collar Necklace, Back with Bangs and Life Lately!!
@everyone...thank you so much for hearing me out:)...@Lipsy got married on May 11th:)
THAT WAS SOOO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN!! n i feel all that u said. unwanted drama is such a part of college life. i can relate!
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