When darkness falls

A point will come, when neither your satisfied professionally nor personally. The high price of loosing the fine balancing thread is what I am paying right now and that too with my life. My head has been so bruised by the happenings around that I would want to go somewhere far far away, and dump all my sorrows. Life is not easy, nor did I expect it to be, but the circumstances for survival is becoming grim. There comes a point in everyone's life, where they feel "enough is enough". I am threading through that line. Somewhere deep within I know that quitting is definitely not one of my traits and going through the immense pressure every single day, without a helping hand is also not one of my finest traits.

Deep exhale and move on, but where to? certainly your are playing with my sensitive side, certainly you are wounding my pride, certainly I would love to disappear into thin air.

Its all becoming too hard to handle, too difficult to understand, too fogy to see past. Life this year was at an all time low. The tears and the random bouts of sadness engulfing me and turning my heart all black, I watched myself being consumed by pain and the saddest part?. I couldn't do anything about it. For once I held on to the rope that I believed would be my salvation rope, but alas only fools believe in miracles. I am drowning in the pit of black sand, trying desperately to get out, only to feel my legs being vigorously pulled back in.

I am

I am misunderstood, I am stereotyped, I am healthy, I am flimsy, I am a cry-baby, I am a sister, daughter and wife. I am a woman!!!

Life is going on smooth, or more or so I like to believe, but job-hunting is probability eating up my sanity. I am looking forward to my two year anniversary. I spent my free-time either dancing my worries away or swimming through the ocean called YouTube. I love watching rains from indoors, but getting wet and dirty, well 'No thanks !!!'.

I feel, life is too short to learn all that you can grasp and after 25, the brain activity kinda slows down. I repeat the statements multiple times just so that I don't scribble anything stupid for the people around me to laugh at. I would love to write CAT one more time. I can't explain the high I get while solving Math problems.

Hair color, I love long tresses with slight ombre or pale highlights. I so wish I had Rapunzel-like hair, well coming back to reality, only extra deep conditioning makes my hair look like they are ready not to catch fire.

I love Makeup. I shouldn't be saying this, especially for someone who used to advocate natural beauty and blah blah. At least I m not advocating plastic surgery!!!Stop the hatred right there, if you have undergone plastic surgery, no hard feeling because I feel It's a personal choice. I don't get up everyday looking like a hindi-serial actress, no I have my sad-dull-depressing days when I would be wishing for a tucked chin pouch, but then there are ooh-so-awesome days when I would be loving everything about me. Makeup is just a tool to enhance once natural beauty, to make once feature standout. I feel empowered, strong, and feminine at the same time. I am a  strong advocate of letting your skin shine through. Makeup should be only used as a tool and not something you can hide behind.

I love my friends, few who I interact on a day to day basis, few whom I don't keep in touch with, and a few who don't the other way around. Well, I have very few close friends. The ones I can call at the middle of the night, well nonexistent. In spite of my social awkwardness there are people I cherish, for whom I will wage a war, or lay out my life and yeah no prize for guessing, that's my FAMILY.

Well, now I feel light hearted. This post is a puzzle of sort, a perfect concoction of my thoughts. 

Workplace dilemma

The second family with whom I spend my 5 x 9 hours a week has given me an amazing bunch of friends. It has also taught me a bit about office politics, dynamics, and physics. What I also learnt is where to draw a line when it comes to personal interference. In every office, there is this one person whom you wouldn't get along with. The reason can be as silly as 'I don't like how he/she looks' to more serious ones like workplace harassment. What I have learnt over the years is that, if not warranted or requested, keep the advice and suggestion to oneself. It would save you from embarrassment and save your friendship. 

I have been facing a peculiar problem in my workplace over the past 6 months. Comments that are supposedly harmless are being frequented at me and after a while they are not harmless anymore. They are plain annoying. Usually, I defer from strong reactions to balance out workplace ethics, but so it seems someone needs a whole lesson and more more on that topic. Passing a comments over ones weight or marriage is not part of team bonding activity, it is one such activity that should be kept in the heart and not let slip through the tongue. I am a very sensitive person and take offence in personal comments, but still choose to ignore. Come a point even the snake spits venom from its fangs and right now I am on the verge of doing exactly that. A direct confrontation is not something that I would prefer, but I have no choice left.

Have you faced such a scenario in your workplace?. How do you deal with such situations?

Happiness is

After coming across, tons of posts in FB on 'HAPPINESS IS' I have decided to pen down my own little version.

So, HAPPINESS IS:

• Watching my hubby smile.
• A perfect-hot cup of tea in the morning.
• Talking to my parents.
• Shopping with mom.
• Preparing food for hubby.
• The smell of tadka.
• Reading Cosmopolitan.
• Watching the rain.
• Weekend travel to home.
• Perfect hair day.
• The perfect smokey eye.
• The first ray of sun on my face.
• A good night's sleep.
• A good facial.
• Running
• Wind in my hair.
• Bike rides.
• To find that the old clothes fit me perfectly.
• Yummy dessert.
• Gossiping with my friends.
• Compliments.
• Listening to Shaan's Ghumsum ho kyom
• Writing.
• Job.
• Smelling the freshly laundered folded clothes.
• Arranging my dresser.

There you go, a perfect blend of simplicity and materialistic pleasures. Sound very ME.

Frustrated mind

May be because I am born a woman, sacrifices are expected of me. I have figured that though how much ever you are taught about equality by your parents, you end up in a jungle full of prejudice and chauvinism. I see a stark contrast in what is expected from me and what I want for myself. They are not necessarily the same. I don't harbor soft feeling to the righteous woman tag either. A woman may be a good multi-tasker, but it doesn't mean she is happy juggling different roles. Sometimes the norms make me wanna run of to some distant place with no man species to cause ripples in my mental palace. 

I have to let everything go, the ones I strive for, as one by one I have seen my dreams shatter. People want me to become something I cannot fathom myself to be. I am not a domesticated animal who obeys his master and when I dare to question "If me, why not him" they sush me off, saying that's how it's always be. I don't get it! I am tired, high on cetrazine, pulling up my warm saley jacket, wishing if things would change. I see no escape route, and things are meant to be this way.  

This picture has no relevance whatsoever to this topic, but see how the whole scene is so calm and so serene?. Rather than the whale of turbulence hitting ashore, wish my mind was little something like the emotions depicted in this picture.

Tomorrow

"Beta see you next time", as she held me close, I felt a tinge of sadness swelling inside. My friend's mom who was visiting us girls was leaving. Why was I feeling the pinch, I tried to confront my inner self. At this point of my life, precisely the wrong side of 20's is teaching me a thing or two about myself. Throughout I have maintained that I am a pure Aquarian, someone who believes in no strings attached, someone who is unemotional and not affected by people. 

No!!!I am a far cry from what I project myself to be...I break down, I don't like people walking out of my life, I hate being alone, I sulk when I don't feel loved. Is it the life juncture I am in? Have I changed? I am far more sensitive to people than I was, I listen as much as I talk, I walk the middle road. Who knows by 30, I might be back to my unattached self. If life has taught me something, that is to be unbiased, and open minded. Who knows what tomorrow holds. 

End of 2013

It's a fresh start, the office looks bare with few associates. As the world ushered in the new year spirit, I was lying on my couch watching Sherlock in awe. What presence of mind, what a charmer. The whatzaap alerts were going down by numbers as the clocked showed another 15 minutes for 2014 to begin.

The last day of 2013 was like any other day WORK-HOME (an early 5 pm one)- GYM-HOME. I decided to just lie down and reflect on the fading year. My brother who had joined me in Bangalore was having a sound sleep. Can't blame the poor guy, he had office the next day. Sherlock was distracting me, or rather taking away my pain. I was all alone this New Years!!!my flatmates had gone out and I didn't have the zing to book up a fancy place for dinner. The cook, had prepared paneer-mattar masala, would eat out 2 chapathis and call it a day. Frankly, I couldn't sleep...nor could I let the feelings go.

Bye bye 2013

I have really hated the number 13, and 2013 was not any better. The year was a stark contrast to 2012, which by the way was an awesome year. On reflecting through the year 2013, I found nothing spectacular to be worth mentioning.
Speaking of resolutions, I didn't do much better in that department either, so for the coming year I am just going to keep it simple:

• Eat healthy
• Drink lot of water
• Exercise
• Save money

That's it!!!

Year that was:

Highlights

• Went to Goa for the first time
• Booked a flat
• Lost weight
• Some notable achievements at work
• Few, but amazing friends

Lowlights

• Husband moved to a different city
• Lost my first pet dog
• More bickering and fights = more tears
• No savings and poorer me
• Frustrated

What to look forward to:

• Setting up OUR house
• Find a solution to separation
• Spending more time with my brother
  
  

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH

Happy NEW YEAR guys.

Sarcasm over-loaded

You must have probably missed my rantings, or may be not. These past three months have been an eye opener of sorts, the learning through your experience which never made sense during my dad's lecture sessions makes whole lotta sense today. Now that I see the universe conspiring against my happiness, keep calm and bitch on !!!

• You are your best friend and your worst enemy.
• When you think you have got your life all figured out, it throws curveballs at you. Well, may be those are boulders.
• Do yourself a favor, when lonely buy yourself a fashion magazine.
• Always believe tomorrow is going to be a good day.
• Its good that you don't have to pay taxes for your good/happy dreams.
• I am a girl and I have every right to change my mood like a chameleon.
• I am not fat, God created me in XL as God believes in the caption 'BIGGER THE BETTER'.
• Forget it, I don't want to push this argument to the other extend cause, either way RIGHT is where I stand.
• Move on man, only if it was not an add caption.
• Its not your life or my life, it's our life. Well, the same rule doesn't apply for money honey.
• Enjoy the retail therapy while it lasts. It's as good as the walk past the next store.

Yada yada yada, I am not .01 % sarcastic in real life, sorry that I cannot even defend myself against guys who call me FAT!!. One day boys...one day..

Little things you do for me

The little things you do for me.. n nobody else make me feel good.... little things you do for me... making me smile n no one else could...! that's why i like to sit next to you...., and hear your mad stories, i know they're not true.. and i like that we share a secret or two ......together....! little things you do for me.. -

Sing along people, this jingle from a Vodafone ad is what inspired this post of mine. Post marriage, my life was thrown upside down. I was used to the "served on your plate-don't darn care how "attitude and I struggled under huge pile of responsibilities. I had a whole house to manage after office and that realization took a toll on me. I was heard complaining and sometimes shedding a tear or two, accusing my husband of being non-cooperative. While I toiled hard in the kitchen to churn out a new dish, he simply sat on the bean bag enjoying Arnab's stupid nonsensical debate. I was used to seeing my dad helping my mom out in kitchen, but here I was taking care of a child-man. After a point in time, I stopped complaining, but made a point to appreciate myself on gatherings of friend's and family of my ability to run the house singlehandedly. I was THE SUPERWOMAN!!!

Roll forward to the present, with all the drama of shifting and packing in my life, my brother came to stay along for couple of weeks. Weeks of companionship for me and torture for him. Did I mention that he is an awesome cook? (Lucky his wife). Well, I get to relish his handmade samosa and vada every evening, but the good part ends right there. He leaves the kitchen A WARZONE!!!with peeled vegetables carelessly thrown everywhere to a I-Don't-Know-what-to-call-it condition of dining table. I would have spend much time to cook all these items than clean up later. The room in which he stays is far worse than a pig coop now, with wet towels rolled in shape of a football, his sheets crumbled to the sides...aah..nightmare at it's best. Well it set me thinking...my husband though has border OCD, he never messes up the room, he likes everything in place just like I do and that my friends was one aspect I didn't boss when my husband was around. His borderline OCD, eased things out for me, I never had to run looking for my shoes or the comb cause I was sure that it wouldn't move from it's place. Well G, I miss your OCD.

Laundry!!!never knew it existed up until now. For the past one year fairy god mother kept on filling my wardrobe with fresh clothes to wear each day, the laundry bag was a namesake and the clothes smelled like fresh daisies, no really it's the fabric conditioner :D. Well, it took me a move and shift to realise that the fairy god mother was indeed my husband :(. Now, even the second laundry bag is over-flowing and I really don't have much space to buy the third one, so I swung into action, decided to do laundry myself. One slight problem though!!has the red kurtha has a tendency to loose the color?. Can I put the white one with the purple one, which mode should I put in??aagh the hundred million dollar questions. Each time I am stuck I have to give a ring to Cochin to get my answers. Well G, I miss your laundry man skills.

The maid opens her mouth only for two thing, either to complain, or two ask for the payment due. Well, lately she has been loving the former and I feel pushed to one corner, neither can she understand what I am trying to say nor can I decipher her mother tongue  My hero, though could easily converse with the maid with a mix of hindi-kannada-tamil-and malayalam all thrown together as a kichdi. I leave our flat by 8 and husband who leaves by 9 used to take care of handling the maid and her tantrums. With my weakness exposed, the maid is taking full advantage of my situation and pretend that she doesn't understand even the sign language I try for her amusement. Well G, I miss your people management skills :(.

So friends, I have reached the end of this post and have some valuable life lessons to share. To those of you who think that you do the whole housework, no!!!it's always the small things that matters, small gestures, and marriage my friends is always an effort put in by two people to make things work for  a lifetime.

US

There is this itching desire to write, not that I have any thoughts troubling me, but this month is really special. I missed out on penning down my feelings last year. I will be completing 1 year of wifehood this coming Saturday. There are scores of people asking me how the ride has been!!!All I can say is Fantabulous with bumpy ‘s’.

I am loved to bits, and every time I look into his eyes, all I see is my image gleaming through his eyes. The short trips, the early morning call for perfect chai, empty laundry bags, laughing over silly things, simple compliments, jamming the door hard, and sharing similar stance over issues….life has given me lot of precious moments over the past 1 year.

I am not sure, if it happens with any husband-wife duo, but we crave for same kind of food, we talk about the same thing at same instant, we share similar views and ideas, he is becoming more like me and I more like him. We keep each other grounded, being polar opposites that we are; there is this one thing that binds us deep down: Desire to be loved.

As I stepped into the shoes of wife, I found it really hard as my husband was spoilt rotten. He would laze around while I toiled in the kitchen. I could hardly keep my tears locked and often I was heard complaining to my parents. Soon, things changed and I could manage my kitchen and cooking with minimum help from mister and he started hanging around the kitchen more. Surprisingly, even after a four year courtship, it was only after marriage and living-in I realized what a cleanliness freak he was.  Now, don’t assume my life is full of misery. The above are few rainy instances. I am not easy myself, with bouts of emotional aatyachaar; I am one hell of a person to handle. This guy can hold me tight and ask me to shut my mouth without offending me. He gives me the strength to move on in life, to accept the way I am, gives me the security I crave. 

This to you G, for US, for the incredible love story and lives we share.

THE BIG NEWS

The big news you all were dying to hear, ok let's not stretch it any further: My husband is moving to Cochin on a 2 year stint. He will be staying at his home in Cochin. What about me you ask?, ok!!!I will stay back in Bangalore, probably move to a PG.

Its a decision we took together, I had recently joined this amazing company that gives me an opportunity to shine at my work every single day and husby was so frustrated with his previous job that he was ready to grab in any offer that came his way, and an offer that couldn't be refused it was.

I am quite unsure about how the long distance relation would work out. We had survived a 5 year of 'is par ya us par' and after 1 year of marriage, there misfortune strikes again.

I was quite clear I was not ready to move out of Bangalore owing to many reasons, one being the job other being independence.  We were in the process of building a cozy lil place for ourself here in Bangalore and Bam!!! all my dreams came crashing by. Life is going to be really difficult, I used to look forward towards cooking for my husby every evening, used to feel proud when he used to relish my cooking, the mad fun, umpteen seasons of sitcoms left to watch...I can write books on what I will miss..with a barely existent job opportunities in Cochin, a move move means premature death of my career. I have this bad tendency to blame people for my ill luck and I am pretty sure, sitting at home without a job would increase my frustration which would inturn lead to you-me-you blame game. Husby's offer was really something I couldn't deny him  of, he deserves his own shining moment too and I wouldn;t be the person to snatch that away from him.

I feel, when we used to be apart in different cities we used to fight more. With proximity came peace and we rarely fight nowadays...I don't know how long this temporary arrangement is gonna work out, but for the time being we have decided to travel to and fro to make our marriage work.

Life as you know it!!

I was hurt, why wouldn't I be?. I am not a robot to pretend like I am not hurt. After days of planning, me and my GFs decided to take a day off from our busy schedule and unwind in a resort close to Bangalore. There is something I need you guys to know before I start my ranting: I am the only married girl in the group of four. So, when I put this topic for discussion my hubby happily agreed, even he felt I needed a break from the usual routine. We girls left for the resort on Saturday evening, after a whale of a time returned back on Sunday afternoon. In between I had received few calls from my dad, which I didn't respond to. On Sunday afternoon, husband informs that dad had asked him where I was. Oh by the way my parents had no fucking clue I had gone out with my GFs. My husband carefully avoided the question by saying I was with friends, well he skipped the overnight-tent-camping-girls-alone statement out . 

I for one, doesn't want to be dishonest with my parents so, I casually mentioned it to my dad that I had a night out and comes the weirdest reply from him 

Dad: What you did is wrong
Me: Why?
Dad: You shouldn't have let your husband and gone off like that 
Me: Dad, he is not a kid, he can take care of himself. I went to a resort , with proper safety and with my bunch of girls
Dad: Who else is married from the group
Me: None
Dad: See, married girls don't go for night outs, they stay at home with their husbands
Me: My life dad, what is the big deal, my husband is perfectly ok with the whole thing then why do you guys bother
Dad: what will your in-laws think?. Is this the way we brought you up?
Me: for the last 24 years, I lived by your rules dad, I have never boozed or partied cause I didn't want to disappoint you, but then Im 25 now I can take my own decisions

By this time my husband realized the conversation was going out of control, he snatched the phone from me and ended the conversation.

This is when I realized something:  I used to take pride in the fact that my parents were unlike any others: They were cooler, accepting parents. Now, if you think a lil hard you will understand that they were not, they were like any other parents...only thing is I always sacrificed my teenage dreams for em, I studied my ass off, got a job, didn't let my mind stray...I never gave em a reason to be unhappy. 

After marriage my actions are more weighed by my dad and mom and eventually everything boils down to what my in-laws think. I can never forget that tight slap from my mom last time I visited home (post marriage) Wanna care to hear the reason?. I was having bad contractions and kept on crying for seeing a doctor. My mom however blandly refused to take me to a doctor and the reason she gave was "what will my in-laws think if I was taken to a doc for such silly things". I cried and cried and finally the bodily pain was erased off by the tight slap my mom placed on my cheeks. More than the pain inflicted on my body it was a sense of disappointment,  a feeling of being let down by your own parents for what??? To please people who doesn't even know the pain I go through each month.

At some point all the parents want for their girl child is an approval from the in-laws. But, why???I  need to please no one but myself for whatever actions I perform in my life. I have a life ahead which I am not willing to sacrifice just cause I am married. I am not willing to give up doing anything cause I am married. Marriage is an union of like minded partners who treat each other with respect and as an individual. I am lucky to have someone like this in my life. Thanks G, but then it's also upto the parents to trust me in making my own decisions ....not out of pressure. I may stumble and fall, watch me grow not proon me to be like how you want the world to perceive me.

More rambling coming your way cause there are some life changing decisions to be made in the coming days. Stay tuned!!

Just Do It

My daily conversation goes something like this

ME: I am becoming fat
Devi: MMMMM...No (I love her for lying)
Me: What do you think I should do, all the while munching my high calorie samosa
Devi: Eat moderate, exercise
Me: ok (making a mental note to my self), but I don't have time....

Next day
Me: I am becoming fat .....and goes the conversation

Yes, every freaking day I make a mental resolution to move my rusted ass off the chair and work out, eat in moderation and then that's all I do, keeping the resolution in mind. I largely point my fingers at the time or the lack of it for my increasing waistline. I get up at 7:20, prepare tea, do house errands and leave for office at 8:15, so in this small time window I hardly have any time for shaking up my fat cells. Evening after I reach back by 7:40...off to kitchen to prepare dinner. By 9 I am done and after bathing and having food my body gives up and all I wanna do is just sleep.

Eating in moderation is another big joke. When I was in Cochin, my dad and mom were strictly against stocking junk food of any form. My occasional junk pangs were satisfied by once a month access to bakery items and once a blue moon outing to restaurant. Things come really cheap after marriage, cause my husband loves his junk food ( He doesn't get Fat though, with a marketing and sales on the run job who gains weight!!). We always have either cakes or chocolates or icecream in our fridge and week long cooking drives me nut and by end of the week, we just take out all the frustration on food, by going in to a fine dining restaurant. It's junk once a week.

I am writing this post to make myself feel ashamed of my lack of willpower and the ever hungry brain taking control over the body. One scoop of icecream will lead to second or third serving because,  I always have the next beautiful day to start with my resolution. I'm frustrated cause I'm tired of convincing myself that I can do it the next day. I'm tired of convincing that I will go for a walk cause for me sleep is more important than health. I'm frustrated cause I complain and crib though it's purely my failure or inability to be what I want to be.

Mistakes

Im committing the exact same mistakes as my parents. High hopes, push-pull, dejection, setting expectations....and I am no more different than them. I want him to be all that I never could be, and the selfish witch in me is pushing the guy to live my dream. If you can't seem to make sense of my ramblings, good enough....

The year that was and some resolutions for 2013

The year that was

The year in retrospective, was great personally and professionally. Mostly high on highs.

The year started bang-off with a lovely birthday celebration with people who mattered.
February was dull and boring.
March saw me attending TW International conference and shopping away the weekday working blues in  Bangalore.
April just swooshed off with mad chaos filled all around.
May, what can I tell about this month. I made a commitment for a lifetime, rested by the Malay beaches for a while and was swept by the idea of managing a home, alone.
May opened up avenues in Bangalore , rejoined with the old gang, worked overtime to meet certain expectations only to realise later that a person can't fake for a lifetime.
June and July just hungover, cause I don't have any memories associated with em.
August: a new opportunity came in my way, grabbed it with both hands and was point of envy for many.

Septmenber, the lil one came for a visit, and the jolly ride ended with me getting admitted in Apollo hospital on our 1st onam together. Missed my dearies big day and came face to face with realities.

Working hard to keep myself under the hood, not to overspill my personality to cause further overwhelming feeling for the old ones took over as no one priority.

October marked an end of an era and beginning of a new one. Spiderman's thoughts "With more money comes more responsibility" came true and met some jhakaas people.

November proved to be a dull month with  mundanes slowly creeping over and as for December, it's full of hopes for a better next-year. Also, marked a year of our official commitment.

 

Resolutions 2013

•Drink 1 bottle of water
•Walk/dance/excercise for 30 minutes every day 

•Fit into my pre-wedding dresses
•Save atleast 20k every month (except in Jan. March and May)
•Try to reduce weekend restaurant trip to a monthly one
•Write 1 blog entry per month
•Try not to nag or fight with husband
•Go out once a week.
•Read one book a month
•Stick to the resolution for the whole year


Happy New Year people!!!



Starting Afresh

I have always wanted a new face, a new identity and a fresh lease of life. "Why!!!" asks my husband.

Why!!!I had never given it a thought until that point, but now today at this moment I have my answer.

Recently, I joined a new company and for the first time after years of passing out from college, took part in a competition conducted by the organization.Would I have taken part back in my old organization?. Certainly not, cause people don't see me as an artistic person. People see me a drab and boring married woman, who was let out from most of the conversation just cause my time was up. I couldn't dress well without raising a few eyebrows and if I tried something new people would mock cause they didn't think I was stylish.

I have the liberty to do all the above and much more in my new organization cause people aren't judgemental or atleast they have not started forming opinions. I am not perceived a 20-something boring housewife whose only worries are the evening meal and the grocery list (*Well, that I do*).
The good thing about starting fresh is you can always learn from your mistakes, you can always show shades that were hidden until that point. You can let people choose from what you want to show them. This honeymoon period gets over as soon as people are done with formulating an opinion about you. I bet, you want to show only that white shade of yours cause once opinions are formed it's hard to get off .
The feeling of moving away from your past is comforting, knowing that your past isn't gonna follow you around is ... Life has changed, the surge of confidence when you have that haircut that everyone is raving about is amazing.

 

Life...you get to live it just once so, if you have people around you holding you back move away take a short holiday, come back rejuvenated and start afresh.

What's in a name!!!

"So, Are you changing your name", Kuttan's ammuma (grandma) put the ball in my court and waited for my answer, slowly chopping the rest of the vegetables. Concentrating hard on the perfectly cut vegetables, I mumbled, "NO". "That was the norm in our days", she continued lowering the sharp object. "Well, it's a tedious process and I just don't have enough time to run behind the lengthy government procedures", I replied as I just wanted to get out of the lengthy flashbacks that I would be subjected  to in case the conversation reached level 2.

Yes, I was talking from experience. I had got my name altered when I was in 6th standard. Nothing fancy, just added a surname and some jumbling of alphabets because the 12 year old me  found that everyone around  was pronouncing my name wrong.

As for the surname, can you believe my dad actually forgot to add a second name or surname to my original name in my birth certificate?. While in 6th, the teachers made my parents understand the gravity of just having their daughter named OPAL. So, after a few running around the government offices, I officially got my name corrected and became OPAL XOXO. Still, people pronounce my name all wrong, but I have learnt to live with it.

As for the topic of yesterday's discussion Do you guys really think it's mandatory for the girl to change her surname after marriage?. Back in the stone age, in the patriarchal society of Kerala it was a big deal. The betel chewing head of the family used to snatch away the girls surname and add her husband's name as her surname, or even her husband's family name. It was to instill this fear in the newly wed girls mind that she is no longer the part of her family, but now she has to walk-talk-dance to the tunes of her new one.

Life must have been hard for those girls, first coming into a new family and putting up a smiling face to the strangers inhabiting that even stranger island and then to watch her identity of  the last 22 years being erased away. It's more like embracing a new identity and she has to live with it for the rest of her lives, whether she likes it or not!!!


This name is a part of who I am, my identity, my voice, my dreams and I am not ready to change it just beacuse I have a mangalsutra to flaunt now and in-laws to respect. No offence to anyone, but I have seen plenty of my friends changing their surname to their husband's name after marriage. I don't need to hide behind someone else's identity to let my personality shine through. OOh!! while jolting down these points my alter ego came up with this sentence "WHAT'S IN A NAME DARLING, SO WHAT IF YOU HAVE YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME AS YOUR SURNAME...IT'S NOT GONNA CHANGE WHO YOU ARE KNOW?". Yes, it wouldn't,  but then Mrs. Alter-ego it wouldn't the other way round too na?...

As for Mr.G, my husband who doesn't bother much about all that's written in my blog he is cool with it. He had asked this question just once, and I let know my feelings clearly after which this topic was never brought up. He knows me well enough to know how fiercely I guard my independence and being the same guy with whom I fell in love with 4 years back he knows I haven't changed one bit. 

With lotsa love 
OPAL XOXO 

How to kill yourself

NO, this is not a step by step guide on murdering someone you hate, nor is it bible for methods of self destruction #depressingmuch.

Rewind back, I was taught to be ME . I was made to believe that if a guy can do something, I can do it too. I was told, not to give up and to hold my head high and be truthful to oneself. May be all these teachings did spoil me in a way and I turned out to be strong willed individual, ambitious, voracious, and a fighter of sorts.

I am still my old self, I don't like to be pretentious , especially towards people with whom I spend 90% of my precious time.

I am drubbed the wrong way, I am too loud, insensitive, dowdy and what not. I don't have a reason why I should kill myself for someone, why I should stop being myself!!!. Anyways, you will analyze each of my action with the microscopic lens of yours, picking on my weakness, then why the hell should I be someone else for you?

Yes, it's time to kill myself and be someone else, to put on that mask and pretend as if I CARE!!!

Is it?

I will keep this post simple and fuzz free...Is blood thicker than water...technically yeah!!!but, then do you believe so?.  If you are put in a spot where you have to choose between your family/relatives and friends what would you choose?. When I say family/relatives it's not exactly you grandfathers brothers son's daughter cousin brothers....am talking about, but immediate family. I for one believe that no matter how hard I fall, there is always a bunch of people behind me to act as my cushion, the ones who lessen the impact of the fall, the ones who motivate me to get back up and face the blow again. Now that bunch of people includes set of friends and family, if you ask me to specifically to pick one I would pick my family against friends and this wouldn't have been the case if the same question was asked some 4-5 years back.


Those teenage years tricks you into believing that the gang of friends are you everything, they are your world, and there is no life beyond college. Things are far more brutal in reality. There were moments in my life when I had actually hoped my so called friends would back me out of any crappy situations but, even the so called sisterhood didn't survive the onslaught of time and slowly eroded away with distance. I would shut my eyes and cry, hoping for my friends to miraculously appear from nowhere and ease out my pain well, all I was left with was hissing sound of the mighty wind. And then I felt a tremendous surge of energy, a blue light shinning at the horizon and it took me 4-5 years to realize that the blue light that helped me through the tough times were in fact my family/relatives. Some of you can drub off by saying by the description that my friends were not real friend but yours are. 


The reason why your family consider your pain as their own is because your pain directly affects them. For your friend, you pain is not a part of their life. They are immune to all the inside turmoil where as the family has to deal with your pain as their own. 


Why you may feel, some of you might even feel "there is no point in this post, everyone knows family is important than friends". Well, there are still people in this world who think otherwise. There are still people to whom this theory doesn't make sense. There are still people who think the dil chahtha hai kinda friendship exist.