Distance..........

Some relations are driven by distance and conversations.When the conversation ends the relation almost becomes non-existent.Iv wondered at times "why do i give so much importance to such relations?".The fact that some of these relations have turned ma life upside down prevents me from breaking any.........

People who keep in touch are the ones who really value our friendship.The ones who care while we do ,cannot be termed real buddies.......they are just reel buddies.Iv been humiliated not once ,twice but many times while trying to keep up with long lost relations.It puts me into mentality where i start thinking"why should i b the first one to make the call this time too?".Do we keep in touch cause we are desperate?????? ...off course not.....its the matter of heart,the matter that we really love and care about those people.........when we don't get the same response back one feels odd.On a maximum scale i may end up calling the same person 2-3 times ....not more than that as i don't want to project ma self begging for any relation.It feels as if I'm forcing a conversation out of someone who is not interested...........

"move on with life

don't wait for those

who wont wait for u"

The Shake Cheated Me!!!

To begin with, it was ma idea to have milk shake as Nivz birthday treat..........for i love milk shakes.............i never even had to think twice before suggesting this to ma mates.........i had a gala of a time on Tuesday sipping ma strawberry shake............never did i realise that i will have to pay heavily for ma stupidity................next day i couldn't stop sipping hot tea as i developed throat complications.................finally someone stopped me after almost 5 cups...............lol)-:i knew it ..........sinus problem was coming back............today i was left with no other choice other than to attend the class as we had labs...........i could barely keep ma head up..........sitting in the last bench neither could i see a thing........ma mates made me lay down for 2 periods...............hope our professor dint see me taking a nap................blow yet again.....that's when ma senior informed me about the essay writing competition i had to attend that day.............after ma struggle in the digital labs............i went in to give it a shot............and topic?an alien visit to earth..............what did i think sitting there for one hour????????? one hour was to much...........finally after writing some crap i made ma exit..........gosh i can't cut ma class tomorrow.................NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to take in ma power electronics question paper...........what a joke..............really.........

"The shake cheated me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ThORns

something that really shook me............

"Is love a crime????"you busted out.....NO........its not.............but, it is ......if the only thing love gives you is the power to hurt people .......who love you the most,gives you pain and off course enslaves you.............Our rights and wrongs may differ but never have i felt the growing distance as of now.Point blank you screamed"I don't need your support "off course and neither am i good enough to support you to hurt people.I never expected you to behave so cold...... it gives me enough reason to think"why are we friends in the first place??"

You are devoid of eyes ,ears and you fail to see world beyond your boundaries.....gal look ahead you are living on a pile of lies..........a bed of thorns that will pierce deep into your flesh if not plucked out.......Save yourself as you don't need our support or help.

Fiction Or Reality???????

It really bothers me when strangers poke their nose into ma life.No matter how hard i try to keep it out of bounds .......keeps on coming back with questions.Ones private life ought to be off limits the questions and answers but with close friends i don't think so......its strange how we do things to satisfy the curiosity of strangers.

All people have time about is to make up stories and i gave them a bit of their own medicine last day by making up one ma self..........in just one minutes time i made up a bf for ma self......i needed a whole character sketch and i put ma imagination in to good use.I really don't know whether some one like that exists..... if it does I'm extremely sorry!!!!!!!!!.This product is a result of ma frustration.........

"all the characters ,places and procedures

are purely work of fiction

any resemblance with people or

places are entirely coincidental"

wAit............

Moved away from shadows

distance that answers

the questions

its all what's left deep inside

as i still try to guess

the name of this relation

i feel the pain of separation

bounded by artificial smiles

and his desire to see me hurt

i never will or i do

go on with all that's there in me

i never can nor i will

wishes and dreams left alone

and nobody could ease ma pain

as long as there exists words of apology

i will wait...........wait............

-[dedicated to ma friend Anupama menon a.k.a ANU]

The right thing to do

I often wonder "Is it the right thing to do?".All the critical decisions of ma life are made through such self analysis.Sometimes this particular system fails to work mostly in rage or anger.

I could revive a cold relation last day.My friendship with Charles was never expected to go wrong in any way but,everything spun out of control in a conversation .And in a moment's haze i even deleted his number from ma mob.The events that followed are ones that question each other's existence, treating each other like strangers ,refusing to shed that"you first" attire.peace was not an option or not even thought of.

But last day when i gotta know that he has met with an accident i decided to give him a ring.Well considering the fact that the people around me pooh poohed the idea.but, all i could ask ma self was "is this the right thing to do?"........yes off course.

No matter how sour the relation is....... at bad times one ought to stand besides their friends.He was taken by surprise at ma call.All i could say was "take care" but, it did make a lots of difference and i really felt like the ice walls melting away. The relation is back to stable now with the conversations getting more rapid.A small step,a small thread of care and compassion can bring in a lots of difference in our lives.

now i do believe

"it was the right thing to do"

I'm like a bird..............

Flying off into the horizons.............i don't know where ma soul is.............i don't know where ma home is............nothing more like the view of the sea from up above...............i may sound crazy................but ya I'm like a bird..............

wishing for a new dawn........wishing for a new life............this life is taking me to new places,meeting new people..............i may survive...............I'm like a bird..............

My First Crush!!!!!!!!

What's so different about LOVE and CRUSH??????

CRUSH is just a momentary feeling,an admiration,an attraction that may or may not stand the test of time.There is no age bar for this special feeling and it can happen anywhere anytime.

My first brush with pink cheeks happened in 10 th grade.The person i had ma first crush on was the oddest choice of all.My crush developed over years .But ,came to an abrupt halt owing to ma busy schedule.The feeling that i had watching him walk past disappeared of like fog.I never felt the need to be noticed or even a smile.I was happy with the little secret of mine.Until today he doesn't know of ma past and now that the special feeling has given way to a friendly attitude......... i would say he better not know.

Today I'm enjoying ma new life to the fullest without bothering about past images.Living ma life without regrets.People may ask me "was it LOVE???"i say "no...........it was just a CRUSH"

Search 4 Mr.Right

Having escaped from the brutal clutches of love for this many years.Iv never felt the need for Mr.Right or more precisely the desperation for.I was always on the sidelines making fun of odd couples and odd stories.Crying for the guy meets gal saga and ironically drubbing it as stupid after the show has been a part of ma life.I get to know that ma pals were on a mission"to find the Mr.perfect for me".To search for that one face in midst of 1200 faces...m..........tough job.But, ma pals seems to enjoy all the trouble.Iv been on an average made i.e, forced to see 3-5 guys.All typically of same height ,weight and colour..........finally forcing me to say"searching for Mr.right for me or for yourself????"........OOpsy!!!!!!!!! after the showdown ma pals resumed their search.Iv found ma self sitting with a specification list in one hour.......filling it out was the biggest mistake of ma life............all hope lost...........the selection got far worse that before.Difficult to concentrate as the pinching "Look here , there" gets frequent by each passing day.

Why such fuss over the Mr.right?????? .Its not as if we were born doubles or so.....its a process.Sometimes it may take one hour sometimes even a lifetime.But, you gotta be patient.What if i make the wrong choice.........NA!!!!!!!!!!...........gotta be +ve.............the search is still on

"Hunt for Mr.Right"

Life That I Loved

Having been to face fakeness and no sincerity

conversations that seems still

innumerable drawings on the paper

i really wonder is this the life i loved??????

Everyday i look at ma own face ,

drained ....devoid of happiness

wearing a mask just like others

i really wonder............

I walk through the corridors all alone

hearing the rain play ballads

and then i stumble upon the harsh reality

that am facing the darkness

i really wonder..........

Moving ahead in time,stopping with time

when images are nothing but colours

i wonder............

Rapid questions and unknown answers

struggling to explain what life is like

shivering at the thoughts

of loosing

i wonder................

ma life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm stairing at the

black note of ma life

skillfully played at dawn

crushing the lilacs

every dream,every sorrow.......

i Cris's crossed paths of perfection

here I'm at the node

that iv always feared,the lost paths

here only darkness sustains

ghostly figure that

haunts my sleepy eyes

turning all greens black

rummaging through spoiled fields

i slowly walk towards the gate

the view across the distance

is like a dream

but i may never cross the bridge

its a deep turmoil inside

"to be or not to be"

on the other side i dint see

anyone to welcome,to Cheer

life!!!!!!!!

u defeated me yet again

decisions the right ones

are always late

and mine lost for ever

i prefer darkness

cause here ma insecurity never

feed on ma fears

my dreams never pile

on a block of lie

my ambition never die cold

on the other side i may take for granted

the freedom,the power,the success

closing the gate i say to myself

time to go back and live

the life i want

not the ones others want me to

live...............

Height of Arrogance

Imagine yourself trapped in an argument with your parents.You shout,keep quite,shed tears.No use as they always seem to make statements that will project you wrong.
Initially with all due respects one tries to keep the situation cold by trying to avoid the topic or by not responding

When accusations reaches its peak one has no other option other than to just make your view point .The viewpoint may be termed as arrogance. "Arrogance???" that's when the heat starts building up. Accusations turn into deliberate attempts to poke up old issues.The scene gets more and more muddy by each minute,finally either leading to a walkout or a showdown.

But, all these incidents are ones to laugh about n forget the next day.May be this is what they mean by

forget and forgive

Ma self............

Always wondered..............

why am i building up a wall

around ma self???????

why am i running away

from relations???????

why am i behaving so cold??????

why am i not looking back?????

I never let anyone

come closer to me

so that they can hurt me

I'm just trying to protect

ma heart.........

Why am i like this

mmmmmmmmmm...........

if i don't let anyone take control

anyone see that I'm crying

i may have to shelter within

ma self.........

threading together what it seems

infinite loops...........

Give me time

give me space

so that

i can be more dependent

more considerate

and more ma self.........

Shattered Glass............

Personally ma feelings are nothing more than

a toy which can be broken at will

do i have a heart????????

do i have feelings????????

why don't anyone understands that...........

You can cry,laugh and me???????

am i to hold back ma tears

am i to show the world that I'm happy

Every time you make me cry

i try to reassure maself

"its momentary"

no it has been same for ages

am i your friend????????

why don't you understand me

you are lost in your own world

refusing to come out of past memories

while I'm struggling to keep ma new ones intact.............

I don't have words

no i don't expect anything

no i don't see maself smiling

its all shattered glass...........

shattered dreams............

shattered hopes.........

shattered lives...........

of two individuals

who have nothing in common ...........

Definition

The moment that describes me

the by product of bygone era

The smile that describes me

the curve of my whirly past

The eyes that defines me

the lost glitter of yesterdays

The colour that defines me

darkened by grey feelings

The hair that defines me

the black threads of missing links

Predict me not

for I'm deep as emotions

Accept me no

for I'm stranger than fiction

Question me not

for I'm vast as sky

Define me not

for I'm ghost of ma own self

The Deadly Sin

Jealousy is one human relation i love to hate , because it makes you look desperate and vulnerable.Yesterday what i did ,made me look like a fool exposing ma weakness .Any person has the right to prioritise relation and it always doesn't have to follow "first come first serve" basis.When one feels threatened then jealousy starts creeping up.In ma case its the time that's playing the tricks.After the tour i rarely got to spend time with ma buddy but, the feeling of being neglected ain't easy.When you feel victimised cause of new entry jealousy hits a new level.Thankfully i could figure out ma problem before someone else did.I think i should give both of em space and accept their friendship and move on.

Strange Relations

Certain relations are hard to explain and never bother to spend time explaining to people cause they will never understand…………..these relations are driven less by words and more by support………………At the end of the day you feel frustrated at the fact that you aren’t able to speak out your heart even though you want to………………….when the trust seem missing, things go haywire spinning out of control………….iv never felt that am doing the right thing…………..but I don’t want ma friend to feel left out, to feel desperate ,or feel lonely……………….things that I want to speak………….no……………….I can’t……..I feel as if struck by ma own innocence……………let time decide……

REalisatIOn

The 3 day trip to kodai and Pondi was one of a life time................3 important round ups of the trip

1. Formation of Athiria boys


2. Realisation that I'm different from others


3. Formation of pairs

First day was damn boring with the guys and gals finding it difficult to communicate............... but ,the scenario changed fast with the formation of Athiria boys "back bencher's association".............we danced and sang our way to glory..............they are the only reason why i never shyed away from things which i normally would try to avoid.................

But,it was quite impossible for a person like me to give ma body full strain...........most of the time ma friends caught me either napping or looking outside the closed window............playing soft tracks...................no one complained as everyone was enjoying................for me ,the clouds ,streams and the rain were everything. I was in a different world all together........................enjoying the sip of nature's beauty.............i couldn't imagine ma self shopping or wasting away ma time playing pranks.............

One thing that i couldn't understand till now is that how can two people whose conversation hasn't even crossed beyond "HI" in 1 year be talking for hours?????????? I mean can 3 days trip bring out visible changes?????? Yes, that's what this tour has taught me....................Niv couldn't hide her frustration inside today as she asked me"Whats there for these couples to speak for so long"???? the only answer i had was"How can i know........will tell ya after 3 years or so".............what else can i say.................

The tour was an eye opener in every sense testing and teaching the basic art of surviving..................hopping to enjoy and cherish every second of the best 3 days of ma life..............

Spreading A Curve

"Whats the most unique ability in any person?????"

I would say "Ability to spread a smile even while suffering deepest pain"

I would like to acknowledge 2 such people in ma life.One being ma buddy Anupama menon and other I'm sure that person will understand while going through this entry.Are such people strong by heart?.No, they are not .They are as vulnerable as any of us but their success lies in the fact that they can effectively mask their emotions.As iv seen they rarely open up and never let anyone see through them. When they do, its like a shower of a life time.......showering with all might.Iv always noticed a change in ma aura when Anu is around. We never discuss politics or war but ,subject with earthy tones.Nothing seems to affect such personalities, not at least when people are around

To both ya guys,

"keep that curve alive
cause without it
you are someone else"

Ma Second Life.........

We only get to live our life once.If i get a second chance will i live over ma present life?????????correct ma mistakes??????????

hmmm..............

I may go on living ma life with regrets.

burdens of high expectations.

burdens of failure.

burdens of missed chances.

What do i expect of ma second life

more comforts?????????

more opportunities????

more experiences??????

no.............i may live ma life the way it has been for the past 19 years.Without erasing any of the memories,without changing the course of any of the incidents.........for everything happens for a reason .Every little sorrow every small joy.Everything.................

If still I'm asked to change the course i may ask someone else do it for me...............cause i prefer watching ma life from a distance..........