Watching the rain

as the rain drops kiss your cheeks

The wind blowing your hair that covers your face

windows hitting hard on the pane

Romantic!Romantic !Romantic!

You need to experience the playful bliss from the balcony

Unrestricted screeching of the wind

forcing you to run for cover

Water pearls dripping down the lotus leaves

The sound drops of water makes as it gets collected in the pot...

The dismayed look on ma doggy's face
The warmth of the pillow

The steaming aroma of the cardamom tea

changing the channels,while one's eyes are fixed on some other dreams

The cow grazing unbarred by the rain

coconut palms swaying to the tunes of the wind

The wet clothes sticking to your curves

SIGHTS AND SOUNDS OF MONSOON

I'm not much of a one liner person but,guess what i came up with?
"STAY OFF MA GRASS!!!ITS FOR ME TO GRAZE"
If you see the context in which the liner has been shot,you would probably roll on the floor laughing.

An hour's walk from the railway station to the jetty,with your loved one.....the one scene that has been replaying in ma head for the whole day. This is ma interpretation of the scene....

Both the lover's are scared on being caught by someone they know but, they still gather up enough courage to take the longest walk of their lives as its one of those rare moments he gets to share with her all his emotions that has been clogged in his heart for years.They wait down the jetty,as the boat arrives she moves onto the ticket counter,he watches her walk away and the loneliness that she leaves behind cuts deep down his heart.He gathers in courage to ask"You want me to come?".She nods,leaving the decision into his hand,he swiftly goes to the counter"two tickets please".This is the reason why i say"MA BEST FRIEND IS THE CHEEKIEST ROMANTIC ON PLANET EARTH"

Sometimes i turn ma head and run straight to ma room after hearing the sarcastic comment from that guy.Nothing much to reply to a person,who has success/ego etched onto his name.I can't even seem to remember a day where i haven't tried ma very best to lace the sarcasm with ma tired smile.I know the baggage that comes with the fact that i have a bother whose technical part of the brain is far superior than mine,but not in the wildest dreams i have imagined that he will find pleasure in humiliating me in front of ma friends. I have grown over the idea that "you are not as good as me" .Even after constant reminders from dad to keep his feet on ground he keeps on pestering ma brain cells. It set me thinking"What am i worth anyway?".Ma parents shelled out 2 lakh for ma 4 years course and ya this guy required less than 30 K.Ma head keeps on getting filled with weird ideas and i do am clogged with identity crisis.I do have one but constantly being ripped apart by ma own sibling.I had enough of the torture.....

Why does a sad news always follow a good news?.Don't we have the right to be happy for a day?seems like not.Bro bagged 718th rank in kerala entrance and as i rushed in the news to ma uncle and grandma,i wasn't prepared for the next shock....uncle met with an accident,he is diagnosed with shoulder injury.When i rang him up,he didn't utter a word and ya i didn't ask much too for,he is supposed to be at his office place now.All the joy gets drowned in one sad incident and ya we don't feel like celebrating Bro's success.Ma college buddy Geeth's is on a 4 day stay at home....as i type in this post she is out with ma other mates enjoying the sunny beaches of fortcochin.Unfortunately for me, I'm in no mood for fun i have lots in ma bag right now and that includes a visit to the village office.Until next time....chow!!

Every time I keep ma smile intact I fail miserably. Time to go back to the shell and do some damage control. Its difficult not to get hurt and when you have people around who constantly remind you how fragile your heart is things doesn’t seem any better. Sometimes I wonder the whole point of existence…aren’t we thriving on ballooned ego and jealousy?.I do get sick of ma existence and I do ask God, ”There are plenty of people who wants to add another day in their life you don’t seem to care about them instead you prolong the misery for those who don’t actually bother much about their life “.Relations are just threads, that break on stretching..apply some force and then see the centre portion thinning out. Things we forsee but, some things gives you a hard blow totally unexpected and the impact of the blow doubles because you Weren’t prepared .Today, something or certain someone hurt ma pride with some pictures that has nothing to do with me and that is the problem.Well, you can’t expect someone to treat you the way you treat them right?.They have a choice and its upto them to decide what they want to do. I'm no ANGEL and may be I deserve the cold shoulder. I keep on reminding ma self that I don’t want to tangle ma self with the treads and ya its just another incident that concretes ma basic principle ”STAY AWAY,I'M TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOU”

Talking about technology leaves me gasping for breath.It makes the air around so polluted,call me illiterate but any intelligent person can have his/her BAD TECHNOLOGY DAY.It not everyday that you get to laugh at ma cost,so go on read and have a heartily laugh. Last day Dad came into ma room furious"You embarrassed me in front of ma friends".On getting to the root of this statement an old story reappeared from its grave.The week before I gave him some technological gyaan which backfired.All thanks to 50+ tech guys.On being asked about the data cable,I replied innocently"I can't use this data cable Dad!!whenever you use connect it to the virus infected computer,virus comes out and sits inside the cable and next time you use it on another computer,virus spreads". Dad spread ma wisely statement among his friends only to be booed by them.Well, now i know computer virus isn't an animal

I was feeling little down for the past few days.Reason being,the void that has been filling up ma heart or to be more precise the feeling of letting people down.Ma parents weaved their dreams around me and, i never realised how important these dreams are for them.I failed miserably in coloring their world ,barely saving ma self from disgrace by scoring a 84 for boards and a 4411 in kerala state entrance.My parents never realised that the younger one will rise anywhere near to the standard i set in 10th. He picked up bits and pieces and wove their dreams back on. We are expecting him to hit a 3 digit for kerala. Its not jealously but, a sense of" Why couldn't i do this for ma parents?'.27th after ma exams i went back to class,waiting for ma parents to turn up for ma convocation as i was called in,i searched for ma name on the list,it wasn't there in the usual list and i panicked.Silpa,brought it to ma notice that ma name ,was put in 5th as I'm the 5th recipient of the Dean's Honour List.Don't even bother to ask how i felt especially ,when all the parents are present and ma parents would get a chance to say"That's ma daughter".What came of as strange is the comments i received from ma own batch mates"Wow!! never knew you were a bhuji".Well, for a girl who wears 3 studs,changes her bag every fortnight,walk as if she doesn't care ,may be they find it difficult to gulp in the fact.Whatever the comments are,I saw ma parents gleaming and that was the most memorable moment of ma life.I may never get a chance like this again.This is just to let the world know"I LOVE MA DAD AND MOM"

For all those who drub my absence from the blogging scenario as ma attempt to upset the topper,You are wrong.I'm so preoccupied with ma life that finding time to log into the bogging arena to type random letters seem such a waste of time.I have better things to do like to catch "Hope and Faith" or eat ma meal at the right time.Grandpa and grandma is home,enjoying their long vacation and suddenly the house seems filled,bustling with activities from morning 5 to late night 12.None of the excuses for quitting the meal works with grandma as she carefully fills in ma plate with food big enough to feed ma brother.Speaking of brother,he has fulfilled Dad's dream by being school 2nd in 12th.Scoring 88% in 12th CBSE is a big thing and that's comes straight from a person who has gone through the torture.Yay!!! 3 year countdown have begun and I'm wishing for a ride to the future in a time machine to get a peak into what it like on the D-Day. 27th , ma last exam falls on this beautiful Wednesday and after which I'm held by promises of a 3 days class.Hope i can complete all prior engagements before the plane touches the runway. Right now lemme get back to the world of file management,UNIX and deadlocks.

The conversation:

SMI: You got your mark?.I asked Vish to take a note of it.

ME:No, actually i don't have any contacts with any of the so called classmates not even Vish and ya he didn't message.

SMI: Now that' not ma case,ma inbox is filled with texts and missed calls.

ME: Ohh!!! i get it,you are going to college everyday right?

SMI: You are good in your guess .They want me to come to college everyday, seems like they can't study without me.

ME: What would have happened if God hadn't given us this gift?

SMI: We wouldn't have got the least respect showered on the beggars even.

ME:Ya!!!!!!they need us and that's the reason they stick around.

SMI:So true

ME:Will see how many of them will remember us after college too.

SMI:You kidding...NO ONE...

Part of being non social is that you wouldn't have to bear the sight of the parasites . You never gain nor loose and then there are genuine people like ma bestie Smi,who keeps aside all personal duties to help out the so called Friends in times of NEED even after ,back to back experience that proves they are not worth all the trouble.I respect her for that ,may be I'm not as generous as she is.I used to hang around college during study holidays,prepare in advance so that the next day i can share ma knowledge base.It doesn't satisfy ma self anymore as the face masks come peeling off ,the human in me decays for better good. May be its better to go to college and study rather than wasting away ma time but, why be in an environment where you are not comfortable being you?.I don't want the crown and the tag well,that's not what I'm and that's not what i want to be.

Today i went shopping with mom.She remembered, ma request for a new hand bag which was made last week,we went into the shop and started going through everything.Its difficult to get what you visualise but, then with no other option you are forced to pick one. I quite liked this bag(I have a fetish for hobo bags),then when i asked the salesperson the cost i kind off kept it back in its place.Rs 499/- the bag screamed ,mom started to walk towards the cashier that's when i stopped her "I don't want" I declared.This part of the story is something ma mom hates,she thinks after forcing the salesman to open all the plastic covers, we need to spend some cash there. I don't agree with her theory at all.If you don't like something why bother spending your money, time and resources on it,the shops don't expect us to buy all the things in the display right?.500 is a small amount ,I know and if i had a job i would happily spend my money on that bag but, when you thrive on some one Else's cash,it better to keep the wish list to yourself.I remember going to west side with Dad ,I know dad could have brought what i wanted if i nodded but,if i did i would never understand the value of money.Ma parents work ,work and work more to provide me and bro with the lifestyle we are enjoying right now,and spending their hard earned money just because i want a new bag is not fair.I go on spurge right after vishu and onam when i have enough cash in ma hand to do what ever i want.Though not earned through hard work the guilt factor doesn't come into play and my small fetishes are fulfilled.Now, that I'm all set to finish college, there are so many things i want to buy,then I'm not financially independent and that very fact keeps me grounded to Earth.If i do have a job!!!I'm the one responsible for a bank balance at the end of the day and i will spend as i like but, wisely.Money in crude gives you power,keeps you happy and gives wings to dreams.I may buy or not buy but, i do have the power to buy if i want to and that feeling needs to be felt.Right now, all the money from Vishu is safely hidden in ma drawer,it gives me sense of pride to go on counting the 10's and 20's day after day.Iv drawn ma wish list ,every time i look at the list i force ma self to think of the situation where i have to ask for pocket money and the logical part of brain takes the right decision to put off the list until i get a job.
Expensive gift are a definite NO-NO for me!!!!.When you give someone a gift like that you feel that the tag shows your love.A big wallet may not buy you love and one can easily spot between a genuine gift and a gift to show the size of one's wallet.On the receiving end i wouldn't personally like an expensive gift,anything above 500 is expensive for me if its not ma cash but if it is its not.Gifts makes me happy but, expensive not so much.I'm looking forward to the week ahead,its special in many ways and ya until ma next post spend the moolahs wisely.

A career switch perhaps will be the best option.People swarming in to give their valuable advices,this phase of life is certainly frustrating. Where is all the balance in life gone?,seems like it got frustrated and decided to run off to some calm place. Should have joined for MBA ,now i feel,it was way better than sitting here idle.2 more bank exams coming up guess, i will gather the lost motivation by then.Its just plain frustrating, especially when you feel the bad vibes from people around.JOB..JOB..JOB...that's the only thing up in my head nowadays and does that help in scrubbing of my laziness.NO!!!!!!!! ya i need some order in my life,or else i will die as a regular person in the crowd.I need to work hard ,I tell my inner soul and catch it napping at that instant.Why can't it listen ?.Why can't my parent's listen?.Why can't my friends listen?.Life is filled with confusion and anger and i need to do some soul searching. I may not become CEO of Microsoft but,that attitude doesn't have to force me to think that I'm far less than millions of people round the globe. I will have to prove to people around me that I'm one of a kind and it's just a matter of time.

Fights->Tears->Make ups->Smiles->Fights...In love its a vicious circle.Wish i were more sensible in speech,let brain do all the thinking and give ma mouth a rest.When you are red with anger,you forget to weigh your words.Bad idea,to say something so painful and apologising later but, somehow all these theory fails to impress me.Years may add grey hairs and grey matter into one's brain but, mine seems damaged.Please God!!!!!!!!!! help me change ,glue up ma mouth next time with fevicol when I get angry for no reason.I turn back and see tears and it makes me feel miserable.Anger should follow a failed logic reason and for me i doesn't matter all I need is an air of self induced"There is a .000000000001% decrease in the love" doubt. I'm with the best guy in the world but,what is the point of being in love if i can't keep him happy?

Life after BTech

Ma thinking tank is empty at this moment,may be owing to the overdose of drama that has been filling up ma free time for the past couple of days.College is officially closed, and ma four year of painful wait is coming to an end.In a matter of months I will be awarded ma degree and life after that is a big "?".I can't visualise ma self in a technical post,Instrumentation am okie with but, what about the associated tail ends?.People still believe am good at the studying thing ,what they don't take into consideration is ma volatile memory.For someone who erases her brain every 6 months,technical jobs is a definite "NO-NO".I have been planning for ma long break from the monotonous time schedule.As for now 9 am sunrise is okie but, once the vacation starts Mom will find pleasure in pushing me into the dungeons of the kitchen.Spoons and recepies will replace lectures and resumes.I crib about being unemployed every hour,still after all the drama I refuse to open up ma books and work hard during competitive exams.I can assume its lack of motivation,I'm pretty much sure ma MNC will call me though a little late.False hopes,living in a dream land whatever you wanna call it go ahead but, u can't break ma confidence.Iv decided to give in for mom's requests for writing GATE 2010 .Mtech was never in ma agenda, but I'm forced to reconsider ma decisions owing to current situations.I really feel jealous of the younger one breaking his spine preparing for entrance.Even he agrees to the fact that IIT is not his cup of tea but,that doesn't stop him from gulping down tons of coffee just to keep awake at night.He is driving high on his motivation,his desire to succeed,his quest for greater knowledge well, i lack all of these. He now takes pleasure in asking me all the physics question in front of dad and mom for ,he knows that I don't know.I end up covering my ignorance giving others a reason to laugh on."How did you pass Engg without knowing all these" Dad asked and i don't have an answer for that.Being able to crawl into top 5,is a great achievement by itself and I'm good at what i love:Instrumentation.Beyond what's given in ma textbook if you ask me even one letter i would look blankly into your face and say" I DON'T KNOW".Really,after this post i need to turn back into ma daily quota of drama to feel good.At least, I'm better than those characters!!!!

Yesterday,turned out to be memorable day.It was the most romantic thing i did for someone and ya it was an awesome date too.Wondering why am going public?.22 years back,fresh out of medical school the 21 year old fair,pretty girl wanted to build her career but, her parents had something else in store for her.Her marriage was fixed and within one week after her final exams she was ready to start a new life with this 27 year old rugged guy whom she had met just once previously.Years later they are happily married ,blessed with two kids,good health and all luxuries in life.As much as i hate the idea of arranged marriage,my parents makes the whole adjustment thing seem so easy.I have seen their relationship evolve over time and well now,they are united and against me n bro:).Now, for yesterday their wedding anniversary was on April 4 but ma sharp dad forgot.Mom brought him new shirt with a reminder"You didn't buy me anything" poor dad went in and ordered food from outside yesterday.After college,which turned out to be one hell of a shocker,i went in and brought one whole carton of ice cream(I had wrong intentions too,considering the fact that bro is out of town and parents aren't a fan of ice creams either).I hid the carton in the freezer.By 7:30 mom went out and so did dad,well i got 22 candles lit them and arranged them on the dining table,went into the garden plucked mom's favorite rose(bad idea!!!,which i realised later) and spread the petals on the table.Mom came in first complaining on the fact that i switched off the lights well ,she was shocked to see the dinning table and then came dad,well can't say if he is proud of me or not but,i could see the gleam in his eyes.We had our dinner and the big bowl of ice cream that i brought.I sneaked into the kitchen two time yesterday night you guys can imagine for what though .Why should i be the one telling you guys everything?

Now for some random stuff,by 22 i should have gotten over the "Oh I'm so crazy about the fashion scene" phase well, i realised I'm not,deep down inside I'm a girly girl.I'm so addicted to Valentino and Cavalli attires,gladiator pumps and jimmy Chou and Gucci bags.Sometimes i wish if ma dad could have this vision that ma wardrobe was empty and get me all the stuff that i want.These are international brands baby!!!!!!!!buying one of these expensive things means starvation for the month.

Something irritated me yesterday!!parents should not have high expectations about their kids especially nagging your kid for an 95,when the maximum possible achievement rate for the kid is 70 is cruel.Putting pressure,comparing,subjecting to punishments ohh !!!we are for god's sake engineering students not some pre-KG kids.Then again there is another class of daughters who embarrass their parents in front of the whole society.Running off with someone you met 1 or 2 years back without even thinking about the ones who cared for you for 21-22 years is well, no words there. Imagine,the pain parents go through to make all your whims and fancies come true?and one day you throw them out of your life like curry leaves.You will have to write in down in your balance sheets and someday when questions are asked ,you will never have the guts to speak the answers.

Well,what can i say?All the best guys!!!!!!!do well in life.I'm sad beyond the consolation limit for,things have been pricking ma heart,like the AE video.So,I never knew the class had like 30 people alone and a simple question:where are others?lost?or aren't you ready to acknowledge their existence?.Well,leave it for there aren't any genuine people around to start debating.I'm done with 2005-2009 AEI.Monopoly isn't the solution to impending issues!!!!!!!!!!good night

Men,the word in singular is nothing to be feared of but,the plural of the word means bunch of chauvinists trying to bring on the old concept of slavery.They are like bunch of crows,if one gets attacked the rest comes after you,tearing you apart so ,strong is their unity.Last day as i was getting insulted in full public glare by ma own class mate i saw the others watching from a distance,smiling to themselves but as the tension grew high and when ma voice started to penetrate through their ear drums they came to the rescue of their friend accusing,pointing fingers at the sole warrior.The height of male chauvinism :none of them asked me what the problem was ,all that they were bothered at that point of time was to save the skin of the "MALE COMMUNITY". In an argument,a guy tries to accuse the girl of her moral character as a last resort, a frantic attempt to win the war.The culture of respect and mutual understanding is long gone.Some one even suggested"He is like that ,try to adjust".Well, then why the hell can't he? .Its never in the rule book that the girl should be the one always forgiving ,why can't men do the same.Does it hurt their inflated ego?.Insulting someone,especially a lady that too in public won't make you macho instead ,it shows how desperate you are ,how weak you are. Have to accept their unity,no matter what issues sore within them they make it a point to stick together at times of trouble.I'm sick of ma college life and thank goodness its coming to an end in 6 days. I shouldn't have shed even one drop of ma tear thinking about those scum bags.Life for me is an excuse to hush and bush up my responsibilities,path to redemption,path to self discovery and seems like the chauvinist world is here to stay and i better get used to it.

If i have the power to stop time,cut through my words,walk past my own actions i would have rewritten my past but, alas!!!I'm not God.The human character in me overrides my goodness,each time i shout,blow my face I'm doing the same mistake over and out.I do learn from my past and rework on it but,now there is no room for correction.I need to go a long way to transform in to a sensible person.Hurting someone ,for the sake of holding back tears is absurd and not heard of.Well, I do it every time i refuse to force myself to believe that"Its for good".

The day was cloudy yet bright and the wait made it seem so special.Time they say has the power to make any relation weak or strong and i experienced it in full expansion today. The ride was long ,the menu gave me an appetite.I still fathom the big bowl of black current ice cream i left back.I couldn't fill myself any longer,i gazed at the bill and then the bowl.The numbers sting ed my heart as i sat up cursing my space so as i can clean the bowl up.I couldn't and with lot of pain i walked past the bowl onto the washing room.The cloudy sky gave way to a clearer one,with sun shining so bright.And all of a sudden i wished for a BIG pack of chocolate .There was so much to say ,so much to share and we wrapped it up in just 4 hours.It was short and sweet and on the way back home,the fairy made my wish come true.As,i kept the chocolates at bay,the volcano erupted squashing and crushing the light heart mood.The air turned sour and the sound that roared,the car came to a halt.I closed the door,rushed past the crowd and never turned back.As i kept on walking guilt took over i took up my mob and texted sweet things.In a matter of hours cheers were spread and this pretty sums up my day as a whole.

You always have a choice,the choice to be yourself or the choice to be what you dream of.Dreams that you hold near should never extend to a level where they remain not just dreams but,piles of stinky luggage that keeps others at a distance. People are so judgemental,that they fail to see the goodness,fail to see through your skin . I have something to say to these people: If you hate me!!! stay away . I'm writing this post disheartened at the recent events,when your best of pals lies to you and that too not just one white lie but, a series of lies then, you are forced to doubt your own sanity . Was I mad enough to trust someone so badly that he/She turns out nothing better than the rest.Well, may be I cannot judge people easily and that reflects in my past and present.Both of us did a fair job in warning her and now its up to her to handle her life the way she dreamt of.Its not because we are good friends it gives us any right to dictate someones life and just because we have our hands full,it doesn't give us any right to advice her either.When i raised my voice,you looked into my eyes and spoke"You have the right to advice,scold or even question me" I never knew it was a statement meant to save you from further questioning.I wanted you to see the whole picture,but you are acting out the role of a frog trapped in a well believing that the well is your world.Open your eyes!!!its life,its not something that you read in fairy tales. Okay i don't have a problem with part 2 but why lie to your best friends?When you lie it indicates three things

1:You are scared

2:You don't trust the other person

3: You know you did something wrong .

Which ever way it is ,it hurts .People never come up to me to get a clarification but, i know there has been lots of talk going on behind my back and i can't save you this time dear. You are on your own but, always remember :never walk beyond the boundary for its the way to your doom and we may never be able to save you.

The planner is here.Was quite taken aback at Smi's tit bit"Farewell on 28th of march".That's like too short of a time to say a proper good bye.Everyone have started planning for the big day and not to be left far behind the 18 AEI gals too charted upon a plan"DRESS CODE".Usually things don't work out the way we plan for ,there are few spoilsports like me who prefer sleekness over wackiness.Still,after much debate it was left for individual choice and now the real planning process begins.When you just follow,you don't have much to worry about details as the framework already exists and what needs to be done is to work over it.It gets a totally new dimension wherein which you are leading,you will have to start from scratch.People say I remind them of Monica in Friends for we share a common trait: Order and perfection.Everything from A to Z is planned and any deviation from original as suggested is never welcome.

My wedding is gonna be super tough on my parents and ma brother has already backed out for we don't agree on certain things.I mean if I had a twin sister with a shared brain mass I would have made her plan my wedding for me .Am not quite conventional in my likes not following the typical mallu girl routine of "Moustache is the symbol of male power" I would go in for a clean shaved look any day any time.I don't like the color RED for,I think the color is too aggressive.I will settle in for either pale or subtle colours for my wedding Saree.Well,what about a Christian wedding with white flowing gown and a bunch of rose tulips,the wedding wows and the ball room dance,this is what an overdose of English film can do on your poor neurons.I need a dinner date!!!in a sea side restaurant with soothing music and lots of dim lighting.Oh God!!! I'm getting so sucky romantic in this post and hey hey don't get it wrong no wedding blues for like 3 years.

Now for the nearest event,budget is made and so are the plans I just need some helping hands in order to execute the same.Assuming the worst case scenarario,Iwould probably start working from this week.I have my plan B ready to assume centre stage in case of a possible back out.

Now for some real insight into my pursuit for perfection

1: I don't like wrinkled sheets.

2: I keep my notes in different bundle based on most commonly used scheme.

3: I keep all my accessories in order.

4: I don't like scattered paper .

5: I don't like my brother's room.

hang on before you say I have BOD.I can prove otherwise

1: My lower deck of wardrobe [ house dress] are a mess.

2: I like drawing on my bench.There are like millions of writings and drawings on it.

3: I misplace things.

4: I drink coffee in my room.

5: I like to mess up the shoe rack.

So,I'm a totally unpredictable character in short.Okay another random stuff,I have got rid of my neck tie[golden chain with pendant] can't understand the logic that ma mom's put forward,it always reminds me of mikku's[ma dog] chain.The temperature in Cochin has reached all time high and the chain clinging on to ma neck adds on more discomfort.Finally I was unleashed ,thanks to ma bro who couldn't stand the shimmering chain.Don't ask me why I am being so random.I love being random,I love being illogical and more over I love confusing people.