From ma Heart

Ma relation with ma parents: it cannot be captured in just one word, not even one sentence or paragraph.Sometimes they are the best parents around, supporting, caring , understanding . Sometimes, they don't make any sense at all,scolding for silly reasons, restrictions, warnings, groundings.After all these years,i expect ma parents to be a feedback loop,giving the right advice,telling me whats right and wrong,pointing out ma mistakes.I m bound to accept the fact that i was never a perfect daughter,screaming, shouting ,scoring just average scores,rebellious.Even after all the set backs they loved me unconditionally.I prefer to think they still do.

Last day i had a little conversation with ma mom who said it out openly that Dad don't trust me anymore for, he finds me far too suspicious.I wasn't ready for such a relevation,i still picture ma father as the same person whom i trusted with ma little bicycle.It was actually ma Dad who taught me how to ride one.It was the same person, i trusted with ma future,ma dreams and the fact that he doesn't trust me does make a difference.I'm not the perfect person to be giving a speech on "TRUST".I know but, i expected ma Dad to be more open with me.He may have his own reasons for doubting ma actions but, i think its ma duty to clear the doubts.What pains me is "he is not giving me a chance to explain ma self".I cannot force someones trust on me but, at least i can make ma part clear.

After chat with mom,i had some difficulty in conversing with ma dad.Suddenly i started to realise the dryness in his words,its not filled with love anymore,it felt as if it were some random words out of the mouth of the person whom i loved so much.I don't know what to think or say,its just that there is something short .

Dad,i know you have your own doubts,but please don't hide it deep inside further complicating our relation.You are ma inspiration and i want to make you proud.I won't do anything that will harm your reputation in turn affecting our relation.

"I LOVE YOU DAD"

Sorry

"We trust you"

It sends shivers down ma spine,the very realisation of cheating not only ma soul but, the people around. The pain is immense,still I'm trying to make things happen for good.I know the pain the whole process will cause. But, i have to. I'm sorry.

To S7 AEI,with love

The final semester is here.Just one more year in college and after that ,each one of us will be chasing different dreams.All the fun and frolic will come to an end.There will be only memories left.The class is as usual divided,each one sticking out with people they call"gangmates".I haven't felt much of a change in vibes.It has been the same for the past 3 years.Nothing much to complain as no one is ready to break the comfort bubble,not even me.Iv given up on ma attempts to make everyone feel special.

When will the class stand as united?.It seems people are least bothered about another person' s life.Where does the problem lie?.It is more sensible to curl up inside ones own shell,go to the class with least expectations,copy down the letters drenched in chalk powder,go back home with a heavy heart.All the fake smiles that i have to reply to,all the made up questions.Its sounds horrible to be sitting in midst of bunch of people who doesn't allow you to penetrate through.

All doesn't seem so bad,i have had good times like the munnar trip,3 days trip,arts fest,bunking class.Just one more year.That's what is painful,no matter how ma heart felt.I have shared a good part of ma college life with these people who made me laugh,cry,smile,frown.I walk down the gate of the college with mixed emotions.I will never be able to forget even one of them, because they are part of ma life,engraved into ma heart.

Red Words

Anger is one human emotion that i hate to depict through ma words.Anger takes control of both your brain and heart and the right view gets blurred,words get chocked.All that comes out is hatred and frustration.I want to shout at top of ma voice,vent out the anger but,No i can't.I'm numb and ya i have to go through this phase in ma 4 years of engineering degree.20 years of life have given me lots of patience,patience to deal with ma inner self.This small incident,is just nothing.I'm never good with RED WORDS.

Internet:Beware

Internet has opened up a wide window of opportunities.Mails,blogs,networking sites etc etc...and we thank God everyday for being alive in the Internet era.Well, some people have taken the liberty ,freedom to surf to the next level-CYBER CRIMES

Hacking,morphing,viruses,cracking.... u name it ,the cyber world has it.Was so busy last day that i forgot to switch off ma laptop.When i returned the chat window was open.

I LOVE CRAZY FROG MAN:#@#@#$

ME:HUH????

This guy is supposed to be ma brother and i know ma brother would never do such a thing for, he is driven by values.Must have been some of his friends who love messing around in the school computer lab.As a sister it was ma duty to warn him.I forgot about the incident .That very evening he showed me the hate site on a famous social networking site dedicated in his name.Obviously one thing was clear:He didn't have much of a fan base owing to his studious,indifferent,gal friendly nature.

Yesterday i decided to put up the issue in the family gathering.So how did his gmail account get cracked?.Ma stupid brother told off proudly"6 of ma friends know ma id and password".Dumbo!!!.We were in for a bigger shock as we scanned through his chat records,lots of foul language has been used against people,definitely not Sank but,someone out there trying to sabotage his reputation.

What can be done against such offenders?.Is the cyber crime act strong enough to punish the offenders?.What about the victim,who loses his name,friends,reputation just through the act of another person who doesn't have any idea how people's lives get shattered through their actions.

Insane

What to write on?. There is nothing exciting happening in ma life.All i have been doing on the rather dull day is to run up and down the stairs,with mom calling me down every 5 minutes.For what you may wonder?.For lame reasons. Here are some:

1: To Check if she has got any calls

Her mob is in ringing mode,if she gets any call i will surely get to know.Still, she wants me to go down and check

2: To See if the Dog is sleeping

Poor Doggy,why do i have to go and disturb her for the sake of it?.

3:To check if the clothes that are left outside to dry is under shade or not

I can't go and ask Mr.Sun to change his position can i?

What conclusion can one draw from the above said reasons.I don't know why but,mom hates me ,sitting without any job.Just wish i could run off to some calmer place to cool ma brains.

Behind the Locked Doors

Imagine getting yourself locked up with no one to help, what would you do?.Here is my experience.

Mom and Dad's bedroom door developed some problem last day.The door was getting jammed,unable to open from any side.I came to know about it when, one fine morning ma parents found themselves locked.But, luckily ma bedroom and theirs are connected to the balcony through alternate door.For two days ma parents were running in and out of their bedroom through mine.

Today the house was empty,and without the doory thing in mind i shut the door hard.BANG!!!! i couldn't seem to open it.I banged and banged but,hey not even a single soul around.I went on to wonder horrible things and i rang up dad,well what can he do?.Nothing i had to wait until some one rescues me or i had to find a way out.I could figure out the problem with the door through ma keen analysis (Engineering studies did help at last).I needed some sharp object to hold the panel connected to the wall. I scanned through the room,mom actually doesn't keep anything useful in there but,i managed to lay ma hands on old used refill.I twisted the ends made it hook like and started pushing the side panel.With 5 minutes effort i was out.Freedom alas!!!!!.I was in that room for 30 minutes and i suffocated to death .No wonder we have so many prison breaks in our country.

Transcendent

I'm not much of a continuous reader.But, once in a while i come across books that capture ma imagination,stirring up ma rather unused brains,forcing me to think in a way never before.I vouch ma loyalty towards fiction because i don't have to live in the same space as of ma characters who make me cry,hate and even even love ma self.When we start thinking deep about the people in the story or characters as i prefer to put in,it makes us quite uneasy because we humans love to live in the world of lies,make our self believe that we are living in a perfectly normal world and what if the characters that we love to hate really exist?.Will we be comfortable to believe that what lies beneath is not as perfect as it seems.

TRANSCENDENT:Stephen Baxter,half way through the book and I'm feeling the impact.The unacceptable fact that We are facing a crisis situation:Global warming,energy crisis,inflation.The story moves back and forth two worlds,separated by time.Michael Pool's world,world in the middle of 21st century trying to adapt to the changing climatic scenario, a byproduct of human ignorance.His world is inter twined with Alia's world ,an evolved human form forced to live life of a Transcendent not by choice but, by destiny.

Concept that this fiction is based upon is not over the head but, modelled on what our world will look like in coming years.It may not have any direct implication on ma limited life but, will be the world of the future.The very thought that i maself will be depriving ma children of the limited luxuries i enjoy at the moment hits me hard.The book cannot be drubbed as a science fiction without anything worthy of human emotion.The book is about individuals and the EARTH as such.I have heard ma cousins say about late sirArthur C Clarke,his space odyssey and how it inspired an entire generation of space exploration.Deeply attracted,i burned ma midnight oil to read all of the series about years back.While his book gives something to cheer about,A world driven by technological advancement at the end of the solar time itself,while this book goes on to hurt the very human emotions:We are bringing the mankind to the verge of non existence through actions that cannot seem to heal through as rapid reactions as the nature provides.

'The girl from the future told me the sky is full of dying worlds'

A Day Wihout SMS

One sided communication is something that i have hated through out ma life.It makes me feel the distance between two individuals,and also awkwardness that comes along where one person does all the taking and the other the SUFFERING.In one sided conversations one can never intercept the thoughts going through the other persons mind.Words get clogged,thereby leading to further complications.

The older generation will never understand the importance of communication.After a tiring day,as i lay on ma bed ma mobile beeped,message from ma friend Niv.Without any delay i typed ma reply and waited for the screen to display

DELIVERED:Niv

I waited and waited and finally much to ma surprise ma display showed FAILURE.Okay this can't be that bad i sent message to ma other friend Smi ,who shares the same network as mine.Failure yet again and that didn't sound good.The subsequent events were acts of despair:switched on and off ma mob,corrected ma SIM.No use ,finally accepting ma defeat kept ma mob afar."Why you not replying?"Nivs messages were driving me to the verge of insanity.Frustrated i switched off ma mobile in the hope i will wake up from the bad dream the next day.

The first thing i did in the morning was to check if ma bad dream was over but, NO.I tried to contact ma network provider guess what ??they don't have a customer care even after their proud proclamation :HAPPY TO HELP.Well, i was bound to suffer, and the fact i was getting frustrated with each passing minute.Seeing ma reddish face dad asked"Why such a fuss over some stupid SMS"?."Dad you wont understand" i put in.Dad looked at me, straight on ma face before putting in"We grew up in a world where there were no mobiles and telephones.Sill we managed to survive.So,you too can go on without modern communication devices.Earlier there used to be face to face communication now, everyone seems to be giving a miss when you think of someone even if he/she is staying so close.No one makes an effort to put in real conversation.When someone says he is happy over a SMS you can't really know for sure if he is saying the truth".After that lengthy conversation with Dad even, i started feeling "I can survive".

Ending on a happy note i got ma SMS connection back later in the evening.Now I'm typing away.Still,in the back of ma head the things dad said lingers on and on.

Love VS Time

She is so upset and though ma face doesn't reflect ma heart even i am .What if she is true?.Ma friend has been dating this guy for the past 4 years and like any other couple they have their own share of fights,clashes,make ups.But right now ma friend feels that ,all the love has vaporised and it isn't as moist as it was ,at the starting of the relationship.Isn't it all in her head?.Love doesn't necessary translate to frequent calls,messages,sugar coated words,letters,gifts.Its all on a different plane for different individuals and now the real issue"WILL LOVE FADE AS TIME PASSES?"

I believe that there are different dimensions to the very word"love".Everyday cannot be a honey moon day.As time passes one kind off takes the parnter as granted.In a relation as time passes love holds a 50%,

adjustment :30%

understanding:10%

responsibility :10%

Its not always about love but the package that comes along.May be in the initial stages the partner takes time to even detect small changes but,years later you will have to fight your slot,tell it out loud for your partner to realise that for an example you have gained weight.Its not about love lost but,all about responsibilities to fulfill and running with the tide of time.

Even after assuring ma self with all these self made theories i still wonder deep down"Won't i react the same way as ma friend did?".Won't we all wish that every day your partner wakes you up with a smile on his/her face,take time to have dinner outside together,spent time alone?.Everyone wishes but,only few blessed ones get a partner of dreams.God bless them.

Emotionally wrecked

I'm falling back on ma words.I'm sorry that i failed you yet again.If i were in your position i couldn't have gone through all this mental torture.The very realisation that I'm the root cause of all the trouble makes me stumble on ma words.Bad dreams,childish insanity,selfishness you have gone through it all.I know and confess to ma inner self that I'm wrong.But,the fact of accepting ma mistakes as mine alone is difficult.I'm a bad example to be followed,an epitome of mistakes and i don't know where to set ma self to the limit.Help me God!!!

Hard realities

I hate surrendering to ma words.When i do,it means I'm hurt.I always used to find solance in them but, now i don't think i like the idea of burdening them with ma sorrows.Ma life is turning more and more complicated and people who are supposed to understand from ma eyes let alone ma words ,are slowly drifting apart.Its not exactly clashing of worlds but,the spaces.I'm struggling deep inside trying to prove to ma self that I'm far less complicated than what it seems.I'm failing,no one seems to understand ma existence in dual worlds ,worlds that are quite strange to each other.Worlds that seem ignorant of the existence of each other and choose to move ahead with its own entities.No one seems to understand me:THE BALANCING FORCE.I'm getting trapped in between two entirely different demand lists.I love both ma worlds and I'm not ready to sacrifice either of them.I'm trying,forgive me if i fail yet again .I'm trying hard.

Engineers of the future

Seems like the engineering colleges in Kerala are hell bend on rising a different breed of engineers-Engineers without any "BraIns".Can't exactly say without but,the gene that contributes to the practical thinking is fast disappearing ,i myself a silent victim to the new phenomenon.The system so demands that ,engineering is now all about passing the university exam without any supplimentries.Compare us with those who made all the difference about 10-20 years back and we are nothing but,Hormone induced mangoes which are rotting inside.Why a sudden shift in the quality of engineers passing out?.Blame it on the governments open policy of opening up the education field to private sector.Earlier engineering and medicine were classified as elite course for, it was meant for those with brains but, now the situation have altered to a point where engineering and medicine are classified under"common man's job"the one you can attain if your parents have a hefty pocket and bank balance to pay for NRI quota.Engineering is now so common that most of the employed in cleric posts or even daily wages are in real sense ENGINEERS who couldn't strike gold in IT sector.Being an engineer ma self if you ask me why am mocking ma own field i would narrate the following incident.

Last day as i was spending ma lazy afternoon at ma aunt's place the power went off.Aunt shouted from the kitchen"Opal change the fuse,there may be a problem with it".Frankly ma face went blank"Fuse and me?"."I don't know how to change the fuse" i screamed back.And her next sentence hurted ma ego"You are an engineering student should be knowing such small things".Having to make up an excuse i said"Am from instrumentation field ,fuses are meant for electrical students".Ma aunt still had that"SOOOO shameful" expression on her face.Finally i had to blurt out the truth"THEY DON'T TEACH THAT IN COLLEGE".The incident is a reminder of how we study volumes and volumes the day before exams and miserably fail to do small things.Engineering is all about applying studies into everyday life not create a bunch of zombies who mug up and proudly declare it to the world"I have an 75+ for ma B.Tech"

To Do

Nothing to write about,with the exams officially over iv got plenty of time to mould ma ideas.Don't feel like,pouring out for there isn't much happening in ma life for the moment.Hope i get to enjoy ma holidays the way i want to.

HIT LIST:To be completed before the starting of next semester

1:Read

Have been missing out on the latest titles on rack for at least 6 months.Need to update ma "Read"list.

2:New hair style

Really wanna experiment with ma over grown hair.

3:Labs

Prepare ma records and stuff for the exam due on 7th.

4:Industrial training

Complete ma 15 days industrial training successfully.

5:Hang out with gals

Wanna spent sometime of with ma GF's.

6:Learn driving

I'm 20+ and its hurting ma ego, the very fact that i don't have a licence.I really need to take the test.

7:Catch up on the latest soaps

Missing ma favorite series on air have to catch up with the pace.

That's all .Melodrama is getting boring,so is the monotonous life but,hope ma ray of happiness doesn't set soon.

Living on the Edge

A victim of competitive world,a victim of broken dreams, a victim of madness .What is he anyway?.I really as,a sister need to do ma duty but, sometimes i get so stuck in the whirlpool of bounded burden of expectation vs result that i don't have the courage to say"YOU NEED TO STAND UP" .He is pushing himself too hard draining his energy ,day and night and sooner or later i will be forced to see him on the verge of break down.For 3 continuous days he hasn't had his sleep,burning the midnight oil as he is preparing for IIT:[prestigious exam and tough one too ]which is like one year away.Why?? .Adding to the pressure, the pressure to score 90+ in boards.Ma mom keeps on reminding him how important its to balance and how miserably i failed.San has vowed never to follow ma failure and the balance: he doesn't even believe in that.What ma mom fails to understand is that for him to balance ,the day will need to have more than 24 hours.Everyone i meet down the road has just one thing to ask:"how is San?heard he is always with books".Ma brother is devoid of any social contact other than the three members of the house,his soul companions being the books.I can't even seem to remember the last time we spoke to each other.Day in Day out he sits behind the piles of book trying to gain EX-tra knowledge that will help him crack the tough cookie.I'm really scared for him .With the expectation rising, he needs to find at least some break between his tight schedule from school-tutions-entrance-school routine.The society need only achievers and over achievers but,most of the famous figures like Newton,Einstein,Bill gates all were school dropouts, it doesn't mean he has to stop trying .I believe that one needs to put in effort that one is capable of .There is no magic figure of 200% and there should not be a situation where ,as you look back you will regret the time wasted.I remember ma friend putting in his wise words

"90+in all records does not account for success,success means to live life to the fullest.Success is always the by product of happiness"

Daily Scoop of Drama

Off to the crazy place today but,the rain dampening ma spirits.Wish i could curl up in ma bed .Well,with back to back exams don't think i will be able to enjoy that kind of a liberty.When will i get some relief from the maddening pace of life?.After college,job then family, kids.....the process never ends and slowly the desire to live for oneself fades away.The life will get more complicated in coming days ,at least now all other aspects are taken care by parents.Right out of the comfort zone I'm enjoying i may fumble and stumble.That time ma decisions will be solely ma own responsibility.Never will i be able to blame anyone for the wrong decisions.Life is all about trial and error right?,learning from mistakes,opening up to newer avenues,taking risks,understanding.There are so many variables involved that clash creating a huge mess.Hey why worrying? any way I'm not the first person on earth na?.People have gone through this and even much worse scenarios.Just need to keep ma chill and enjoy life for the moment.

KYA PATHA KAL HO NAA HO

[Translates to :Who knows if there is any tomorrow]

Foody

When i say I'm typically girlish...ya hat's true.I do loose ma sleep over ma weights like any other gal.I do go on mad diet for maximum of two days before falling back into the junk zone.Y a i do envy the skinny bones especially the ones who eat and eat but,still seem straight out of Somalia(Smi and Anu).Exam holidays are times for souls like me to experiment with food combinations:weirdest,scariest,funniest[masala paapad makes good tea time snack okie].Right now i will do anything to hear"oo...baby you becomes so thin" from relatives.Partially mom is to be blamed.Who asked her to prepare tasty dishes?.Its like i can't resist the temptation as ma mom says"put some more rice baby".The only person around the house who keeps reminding me how FAT I'm is ma bro(i envy you too)."You are fat"he says off comes ma mom's reply"NO...ma baby is thin eat some more..".Well,I'm concerned about the non uniform distribution of fat tissues in ma body.But,dieting?hell no...i love ma food...It may sound bad but, i will have to accept that I'M A FOODY

Power of Words

Don't want the words to feel the pain,the pain I'm going through.Let them be free,free of the four walls i have created for them through this blog.Why stop them from escaping the misery?.I really can't understand the expression of feeling I'm going through.Expression has for sure a term:TEARS.Iv hoped that the words will come to ma rescue freeing me from the immense pain but,they seem to love ma tears.When there exist only words,they can be interpreted in a way that makes the one happy but,the very same words can wound the other person's heart.Not necessarily though.Words have the power to make you laugh,cry,angry and ya all 9 emotions.Why blame the words alone?.They are just reflections of your heart right?Reflections that we may not agree is ours but ones safely hidden inside.Instances, where all emotions hits on the barriers like an angry sea at that instant,the heart is no longer a safer place.I may sound strange for the reason, even i can't understand ma words.What am i speaking about?.Strange but ya POWER OF WORDS

Pulling down

If someone could offer me their shoulders right now,i would end up smearing the kajal over their dress,over ma face.I have been never so desperate in ma life.At all point i had someone to bank on but,this time the emptiness is haunting me.The person i trust ma life with is on the other side of the fence.I have lost all will to hang on.Why should i?.Ma parents,friends,family every one seems to abandon me.I know it sounds stupid but,ma doggy did have glimpse of concern on seeing the tears in ma eyes.I need some rest a long rest,to free ma self from ma own bonds.

Random shots :College

Donkey with bRAins!!!!

Don't fee like expressing ma self.Words seems to play hide and seek with me and I'm in no mood to play.Two exams i manged to write,not that I'm happy with the way things are going but,managed to write in to fetch some reasonable scores.Four more to go ,what scares me big time is the realisation that i have to start from scratch,build up a base and then start working.The gaps between the exams are kind of rays of hope but,i always manage to waste away ma precious time realising at the far end(last day) that i had followed bad examples.With the digital signal processing as the next exam ,iv to work as hard as a donkey but,with brains.

In their shoes

Weekday soap operas did take a toll on me and Kay.Saturdays and Sundays are the days when we take the idiot box into our control crushing the monotony enjoyed by our moms who sit inconsolably ,weeping after an overdose of fiction.

Being reality stormers we sat surfing and surfing in search of that perfect show.Kay came to a stop(or rather stuck) as he saw the sensuous Tyrra Banks on screen"AMERICA'S NEXT SUPER MODEL".Knowing his obsession to the word SUPERMODEL i gave in.Reality doesn't hurt right?

Eliminations,from a pack of 20 gals 13 are selected to the next round,one step closer to their dreams.The camera shifts focus on to the remaining 7 who couldn't make it.Pale,dead,dreams crushed,all hopes lost 7 pretty gals stood there in one corner,trying to bring a state of balance into their brains.

Kay screamed"Why are these gals crying?.They ought to be happy that they made it this far".Well,have to agree to his Gf that he is devoid of any genes that help him understand the word"EMOTIONS".I couldn't keep quite to a statement that made lots of impact.

"You know they were this close to their dream,HISTORY WILL NEVER REMEMBER THE MISSED CHANCES,NO MATTER HOW CLOSE YO WERE TO THE HIT.These gals will fade into their normal lives.You don't have any idea what is flashing through their brains.May be,regretting for,it may be that small something that didn't work out for them.That small something that the judges may have failed to notice.Never can we compare two personalities because,the parameters are so vast with, each individual with his pluses and negatives.Its all one instant where you get to impress,not that the 7 gals got eliminated because they were in any pretext less talented and beautiful that the remaining 13."

Kay looked at me surprised"What happened?why you so upset about a small statement i made".I never replied to his statement that time for ,he wont understand.

Experience Kay.I can picture ma self among those 7 gals.The same tears,emotions,expressions that i had on 18th march'08 as i stood in the hall regretting ma missed chance"TCS".I know what it is like to be IN THEIR SHOES

ATM:All Time Mess!!!!!

Technological advancement has always been the worst nightmare for people like Me!!!! ,who can't seem to catch up with the flowing time.New mobiles,ipods,dig cams.....the working and the procedures ,nothing seems to get into ma small brain which still prefers to live in the stone age.Being wanting to closely associate ma self with the banking sector i shouldn't be telling this:I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK WITH AN ATM!!!!.It seems so peaceful to have hard cash at hand .The idea of ATM cards,credit cards......drives me to the verge of technological breakdown. The Federal bank ATM,(manual ATM)which am used to (only after 5-6 tries) is out of fad (not exactly the actual reason being 0 balance).Of to the biggest government bank ATM.It is impossible not to see long queue in front of the two sister ATMs ,in ma town...One person goes out and other goes in....doesn't even get to see it deserted and maximum a person gets to spent inside the cosy Air conditioned room is the time equivalent to the processing time.With ma previous stint with the Federal bank ATM,i went in confidently to get some Cash and hey

the screen read press "#" to continue and to ma surprise there was no "# button".I stood there staring, as i turned back ,saw a long queue stretching on to the road .Avoiding people's mocking glance i went outside and rang up mom"There is no # button.What kind of an ATM do these banks have mom?"

Mom's answer peeled me in shame"its touch screen dear".Next time, as i went with ma Dad i tried to master the ATM puzzle.sort of successful and i returned back home happily.

Today wanting some urgent cash for ma tutions,i was yet scared with an ATM card by ma mom"go take cash for yourself".Okay how bad can it get?.20 minute people, let me tell you.The screen kept on showing the same thing over and over again"INSERT YOUR CARD PROPERLY".What the hell?????????????and without much delay got out of the cosy air conditioner(was sweating heavily) went back home.Actually does ATM expands as "ALL TIME MESS"?.What about good old ready cash?

SWeet tooth

15 Years Back

Empty class room

A plumpy little gal with her hair tied on both ends with red ribbon sits in one of the dark corners of the room.A boy comes running with a football in his hand"SWEET TOOTH" he shouts and smiles.Least unexpectedly the gal run towards him hitting him hard on his face.Blood splashes..and the boy runs out crying

Principal's Room

Parents waiting tensing outside the room.A scary looking lady in spectacles comes outside with the boy with the broken nose by her side"Look what your daughter has done on just a provocation that this boy called her a sweet tooth".The gal stands by the door with a bar of her chocolate in her hand."Look how plumpy she is...can't see her without chocolate in class...She should reduce her weight" continues the principal.

Home

Dady angrily takes away the bar of chocolate from the little gal's hand and throws it outside.Th e gal looks on with tears in her eyes.

15 Years Later

The gal is sitting in front of her computer typing out her past,she is still called"sweet tooth" by her cousins.She still loves her chocolates but,she has gone down from being plumpy to a more healthy look.

Ya that's Me!!!!!

Balance sheet

The conversation came up again after ,the call from ma cousin.I regret,ma decisions,mistakes that can't be rectified.More than the pain of humiliation its the pain of ma own parents not realising ma worth that's hurting me.Can i go back and change? or should i believe"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?".The small pain is overwritten by his success,his dreams are soon going to be reality.All the best kiddo for your future,will be praying for you.

"LIFE IS NOT A BALANCE SHEET OPAL,WHERE YOU KEEP ON ADDING YOUR PERSONAL DEBTS,TRYING TO REPAY THEM AS SOON AS YOU GET A CHANCE.LIFE IS BEYOND CALCULATIONS AND CREDITS ITS, ALL ABOUT LOVE."

Exams.......

I'm becoming paranoid after each passing day ,making a big fuss out off small issues. Have been trying to calm ma self down but,seems impossible with the exams fast approaching. Just few more days and i will be writing ma sixth semester exams.Today i found ma self typing away ma frustration,had been trying to call up ma GF's but,no response and after 4-5 messages i was getting angry and frustrated ,at one point i even thought of throwing away ma mob,later in peace as i sat and thought about it,felt sooo stupid,i mean why such big fuss over a silly thing may be they are in a difficult position to message.Silly me !!! can get all over the nerves.Iv never felt so desperate in ma life,trying to bring a balance into ma study time table and i fail miserably not once ,twice but innumerable times.Blaming it on professors,or the old wine in new bottle"i don't have notes" won't work out this time.The stakes are high and i have lot to loose than actually what seems to be written in papers.Putting up a brave face in front of the innumerable books that lay scattered in ma room doesn't seem to work either.Common i need some order in ma life,some serious discipline to pass the big ugly university exams.Need a miracle that will save me .....

That Guy!!!

This guy is like a part of ma life for the past 16 years.All these years ,we loved, hated, fought ,cried, celebrated together.There is nothing common connecting both of us except, for the BLOOD RELATION.Never a picture perfect sibling ,we had our own shells to expand,problems to tackle and in the process weaved our own close knitted worlds.Privacy as always given the highlight and until ma age 16 he was mended out the treatment similar to that of a stranger.Things changed as we developed some sort of a close bonding that made us realise the value of missed years .Time outs,stealing cookies together,watching Dad's cd's together he became like a part of ma life....unofficially ma best pal.

This post is intended to ease out some pain .He is out of town for a month for his summer classes and what links each other to the daily routines are official phone calls,calls that are never made to each others cell.During his usual conversation with parents,ma name does come up but,until now he hasn't asked for me neither have i.Though the hard temptation of ringing him up i restrain for,emotions may run high.Brushing off mom's occasional scolding of"TALK TO YOUR BROTHER" i stare blankly at the walls" I WON'T"....irking ma ma mom off,hiding ma feeling when she says"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR YOUR OWN BROTHER..HOW SAD".Our relation is better expressed in silence than thousands of words because,

WORDS DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO EXPRESS HUMAN EMOTIONS

For a change

With the college closed,the morning sickness has caught on with me ....pulling me back into the arms of comfort even after 6:00 am.With ma bedroom closed and me sounding ma way to slumbering sleep there is one person in the house who doesn't seem to enjoy all ma self pampering:MA MOM.Having to pack her bags to her office early before the sun rises ,after all that motherly duties (cooking and cleaning) she surely envies ma beauty sleep.Knocking hard on ma door,threatening to close down the kitchen ,she surely gets things done in her way.On a sleepish note ma beautiful mornings begin with a

"OPEN UP" shout.

Change is the spice of life....i really needed a break from the early morning howling,screeching and complaints.SUrprise.....

5am:alarm (took almost 10 minutes to wake me though)

5:30 am: made some hot cardamom tea.

5:40am: dosa for breakfast

6:30am: Did clean up the mess i made :D

6:40 am:there comes mom rubbing her sleepy eyes opening up what seems like ma daily dose....No.... she stopped after seeing me with the tea in ma hand ,offering it to her i smiled"good morning mom"...."am i dreaming?You did all these gal?" she asked looking at the spotless kitchen" I nodded ma head.....

"Well,you didn't had to go through all that trouble today" she said...."what??"After all these how can she?" ."Actually I'm on leave today...would love the same treatment tomorrow too"mom winked at me sipping her tea

"what??i mean tomorrow too??and she on leave? why the hell did i do all these things for" i wondered.

HAh!!!!!!!!leave it for it made ma mom happy.......and for a change i could see her SMILE!!!!!!!!!

Speak Out

Moving from ma parent’s shadow it’s a slow realization that the world around is full of biases ,prejudices and injustice. The only thing that can be done to survive the tide is to :SPEAK OUT. Never should ones voices and opinions be sidelined, be it in the family or society .Make yourself clear ,let the world stand back and listen. Never take a NO for what you believe is your right .After all your right is what matters.
The generation ME is more vocal in expressing ideas for themselves and others to think over .But, we wither badly under stress putting to question the abilities that we believe in.
With 33% reservation for women still in paper the public transport system of Kerala reserve a modest 20% seat for the fairer sex. Once you enter a bus, what stares at you for the first 2 minutes is
“SITTING ON A LADIES SEAT IS PUNISHABLE UNDER LAW”
Well, do the male chauvinist society bother reading what’s written? They simply close their eyes grabbing a seat for themselves without even bothering for, its not their daughters or sisters who are standing.
Last day as I got into a crowded bus, I saw the ladies some even 30years elder to me standing .Assuming, the seats to be filled I made ma way near to the window .As, I turned back ,to ma own surprise saw the seat being occupied by mustache bearing idiots. On humble request, the guys started abusing me verbally .Yet, again none of the standing ladies came to ma help instead I could hear them giggle: Minds of sadists at work.
After 5 minutes of verbal brawl the guys finally got up (the bus guys did help out).There came the ladies running toward the empty seat. Don’t they have any soul, any self respect? .Reminds me of the story of the jackal ma mom used to tell as bed time story.
Jackal enjoys watching the lion hunt and finally after the kill is made it slowly comes out of its hiding den to munch whatever little is left.

Ladies speak out for yourself ……….

Tough life..........

Wish i could go for a long walk on a Moonlight night ,a walk through the beach soaking ma legs in the rush of cool sea water,sand covering ma legs........Back to the world of realities...

*14th internals publication

*15th project report submission

*22nd university exams

*daily dose of sleep, films,net surfing,roaming,bitching etc...etc...

Where do i fit in ma daily routine?.Seems like ma dream will remain as a dream itself.

My Hairy Story

The first thing you will notice about me:I would rather kill ma self to say, ma beautiful face,long eyes but,unfortunately i am not blessed aplenty with all these facial features but,ya the first thing to notice would surely be ma HAIR..........This is something that generates quite a lot of attention .To begin with i got lotssa hair when i say lotssa it doesn't mean long it means lottsa.Ma gal friend are ready to any thing for ma hair but,the guys think ma hair is to blown out of proportions. Well,ma hair is not straight ,not curly i would rather call her curvy.she can be so dry of her emotion at times,refusing to go by what i want her to be,instead she gives me the airs:"I CAN RUIN YA DAY WITH A BAD HAIR DAY".I hate her when she plays all over ma face,refusing to sit tidy behind ma ears.She is so attention seeking that i have to re -tie her every 10 minutes which is actually her deadline ,if not she is out embarrassing me in front of people.I still remember what Abin said"Ya i always thought your head was so BIG....but,hey its not your head but,ya hair".Thanx buddy for realising so late that I'm not that intelligent after all ,you see.Now back to ma hair it was revenge time and i wanted to teach her some real good hair dressing tips.I decided to straighten her.Took the ironing rod.I could hear her scream ,but,hey i can be real cruel at times and under the hot road she went.This would teach her how to behave at least for few days.......Until then the hairy story has a happy ending.

Surprised??

Why do people sound so surprised?. After all am a gal too, and i have ma own choices.I believe that the Surprise is generated from the fact that, i took an U turn from ma own preachings.Well,i should have believed more in faith and destiny.I do ,as a matter of fact in both after ma life changing experience.I may have to trust ma self even more than before because ,ma life is not only ma own responsibility.That person's decisions,actions have the power to change the course of ma life.Its a long wait for me to, finally find ma freedom .But,the thing that irks me is:Why SuCH a REsPOnse?.

After all........

Practical thinking is fast disappearing from ma blog.Now it seems like one of a 15 year olds childhood fantasies.Am i loosing ma identity?.Sounds like that.Its a turmoil of so many mixed emotions.Its like enjoying what you do and ending up doubting yourself later.There is a clash between the RIGHTs and WRONGs and i want both of them to win.How can a 20 year old have identity crisis that sounds so weird.Well,by each passing day I'm going down under the blanket trying to prove to ma self that i can't be wrong or may be hide facts and dumb them as fiction for, i don't have enough courage to face the truth.So the question is :am i wrong?.Am i reasonable enough to start learning to enjoy life and respect what life has in store for me.Am i right in crossing over to the grey side?.The questionnaire seems like a never ending one, putting ma patience to the test.Sometimes it feels like being handcuffed .The crisis was set on motion by the recent twists and turns and unexpected events.I act strange or even stranger shunning ma self from ma inner self for, ma inner self is far more righteous than what i expected it to be.Never did i think,never did i gave ma self a chance to explain instead i went on to prove the world wrong ,let ma heart overpower.I say with regret that never allow your heart to make decisions for you because heart is ridden by an impulse ,the momentary pleasure but ,the brain lets you think,not only the presents implications but ,for the future as well.I know to people who ever it may concern,will be devastated but, Its like cheating ma self.When i say "i need more time" not because iv been dishonest but,to stabilise ma emotional quotient .I really want to come back after a full circle but i want to set ma self free from duties and tags as of now.Ma life is revolting against ME,threatening to change its course if i don't act fast.I know or more precisely don't know where life is taking me.I want ma rights and wrongs to be accepted by people around ,i really want.This will either drive me to edge derailing ma life for ever or even put me out making me wither under the sun.Whatever it is it will take ma life And as for the girly stuff on the blog its just a route towards escapism to prove to the world "AFTER ALL I'M A GAL"

What to wear??

Okay this sounds crazy am down with flu but,all iv been thinking the whole day yesterday is what to wear for the farewell on Monday.Its not yet confirmed whether or not i will be able to attend for, ma health is fast deteriorating.As Ragz messeged me in the morning to confirm ma name in the volunteer list,i replied on a negative note,asking her to put ma name in "yes/no" list.After all this crap if you guys think that i should be going for the farewell for ,its ma last day in college wait until you hear this.ITS NOT MA FAREWELL BUT, MA SENIOR'S!!!!.Considering the rapport i share with them it will be quite bad if i miss the grand event on Monday on campus from 4-7pm.

Now to what to wear.I don't have any clue.Well,not something eye catching as i don't want to whisk away the attention from people who spent large chunk of money just to look good on the occasion.All iv been confused about is which earring to wear,iv got to select from 5 choices and as usual i will decide on the wardrobe based on that.Sounds crazy??.The 5 choices is driving me nuts as ,more i look at each one of them more confused i get.Need some help here !!!.Got only 29 hours left!!!!.

The Art of Bunking Class.....

Life is spinning fast...sometimes i fear if its gonna go out of control but,i always seem to manage.Today I'm sick to the core thanks to dad who,spread the throat infection to the whole family.I even bunked the labs just to be on ma bed.Mom doesn't even know that iv got classes today,She did ask me though, with me putting up an expressionless face she doesn't have any reason not to believe.After all its just labs and i know ma self, most of the time i would be running from desks to desks chatting with ma mates or even sit near the window looking outside.Its impossible to concentrate when ma girlfriends are around.Iv enjoyed every moment of labs this semester.Ma project mates smi,niv n sol (the only guy in the group) were put together.We have spent more time on talking rather than actually doing the experiments.Not submitting records on time,wrong readings ,shouting in the lab the heads know which group to blame.I'm loving ma college life.

No tomorrow

Okay!!!!! last few weeks were the best, considering the fact that we enjoyed like there is no tomorrow even during the series,bitched hard,shopped way harder and more importantly went on without usual fights.Its a sea change from the dynamics before and there are things that binds us closer to each other.Its always Together or never but,everyone doesn't seems to understand.The affection is making someone cross over, i may view from a sarcastic angle but ma girlfriends don't.Its like a picture of four friends when one is missing.Ya... learning to accept radical changes in people.I ma self being a static example.Just when i saw the gathering in front of college today (Seniors last day in college) ma heart skipped a beat AnD i found ma self holding ma girlfriends hand.Next time same time we will be standing in their place shedding tears,trying hard to control the emotions and filling up the autographs ya.It will be tough ....3 years we have fought,supported,loved,hated one another.Three people so different coming together to make ma college life the best part of ma life.Thanks gals!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!

Who stole ma shoes?

Iv been searching all day for ma shoes,the one i was planning to wear to ma friend's sisters wedding.I made a fuss outta ma missing shoes blaming out ma mom for being careless , throwing away ma shoes (actually i was accusing her).Why such a fuss over a stupid shoes?Its for the fact that the shoe was a part of ma life for so long.I was getting frustrated ,"what will i wear the next day?".I went up to ma doggy and said"at least you understand right?".Ma pet lab turned her head sideways catching up whatever i was saying or, my be complaining she must have understood ma difficult position,she stood from the place which she categorised as her area.Ma shoes!!!!!!! it was safely hidden behind MIKKU'S belly all this time .So,who stole ma shoes?:MIKKU off course ma bro said.Wasn't he giving his mysterious devilish smile?.I may never know for who stole ma shoes.

My Fairy Tale

Do i believe in fairy tales?.I never used to but, i do now.Iv ma reason to believe Cinderellas do exist and so do fairy god mothers.The long search for Mr.Right is finally coming to a halt and i have nothing to be worried about, not the usual witches or the cruel step mother.All i wish for is lots of drama and that "HAPPILY EVER AFTER "tag.Everyone out there ,your story is being set and written, all it needs is an event which will lead to sequence of events finally weaving out a story of its own.You may never know that you are the lead character, like me who never realised i was one,until few weeks before.All you need is a sprinkle of imagination to let you life bloom and you have whole life ahead.

The Saga Ends

The MIRROR was supposed to be a reflection of what i am and its duly serving its purpose.The blog gave lots of people an insight into ma world,life of a gal who used to struggle with her identity to life of an evolving women trying to decide her rights and wrongs.The blog was meant to be ma secret little place but,its not anymore.Lots of feed backs from friends and family well,i ought to cut down on the scary stuff i write down over here as ma dad is a regular reader.Well,I'm also happy to say that iv inspired some of ma friends to start blogging for themselves but,i don't see much activities on their site which is virtually dead.People start sharing your world!!.I still flash back to see ma self locking up ma room in frustration and shouting out loud whenever i was sad.Not anymore cause iv found a friend who have the patience to sit by me and console me whole night long:MIRROR!!!!!!Some people consider me as a grandma of blogging as I'm one among the first few who introduced the college the whole wide world of blogging. I believe that ma writing has evolved as i have in these years.Iv never wanted to post the depressing stuff but hey!!!this blog is supposed to a true reflection of what i am.I will be out of the blogging network for few months.The exile is not a self induced one,but ought to have happened in course of time.I'm shifting ma base to somewhere new,open and into a small world of happiness.The world that i hope will change ma life for sure.

End of Chapter1

Three years of college.What have i learned?seems ma brain is dying out for, I'm making same mistakes again and again.Misjudging people,hurting people who loves me ,cracking stupid jokes that no one laughs on, ma list of stupidity never ends.College is not all best part of life its just another chapter that needs to be flipped through until finally u read -*THE END*-.As a matter of fact iv taken fewer notes,flunked life's tests,bunked most important classes.When i view things sarcastic, life gets little better.The pain dilutes,there is no 'ifs' and 'buts'.Iv loved ma life,hated it,played with it but,today I'm helpless.I wanna laugh but,the sound gets choked in ma throat.I wanna cry but,the tears have stopped flowing.Its a state beyond pessimism and depression its a state of self condemnation ,the state where you loose your self respect.I'm nothing but, a living end of the chapter.

Me....

I need to control ma tears,

I need to pray harder,

I need to smile more often,

I need to act smarter,

I need to learn to hide ma tears,

I need to listen closely,

I need to paint ma world,

I just need to be ma self.

Instants

Each day i walk with a heavy heart,

Feelings of joy and sorrow capturing ma imagination at same instant.

What did i miss out?

What have i lost in place of ma gains?

Ma eyes are dry for even the tears have deserted me,

Every time i shed droplets of blood

I have nothing to turn back and look at.

I have lost the battle,

All that's left is ma soul.

Maniacs!!!!!

Who told guys don't care about girly stuff?oo...The only thing that they bother about is GIRLS!!!.They are so keen observers that any change in a gal ,be it in hairstyle,nail polish colour or even pimple will be easily detected.I can't understand why me and ma little pimple was in almost every conversation i had today.She became an overnight star.Usually ma skin is devoid of any ups and downs,red marks,scars and what so ever and to an extend i was little proud too.One day suddenly out of nowhere a pimple started showing up signs of birth and what a nice place for it to settle down,right above ma right cheeks,exposing its red plump status to the people around.Slowly...i started having bad dreams about her.Decided!!!!!!!I'm was gonna squeeze every inch of her and ya successful.

Next day as i stood in front of the mirror,i had shock of ma life.She left a mark of her previous life,a black mark and also her own breed have sprouted up in near by position.The new one is far worse.EEks!!!! she is out to get revenge.She is growing bigger, larger and nastier by each hour.People love ma pimple.They do stand admiring"Hey Opal what's above your cheeks?"asked few guys with a devilish smile.JErks!!!laughing at devastated mE.....I'm bound to get rid of ma new found"UGLY BETTY" status in days to come.

Destined to Be.......

"Your right may be other persons wrong"-Nivz (ma pal)

"What you believe may be what other peson despise"-Smi (ma pal)

When you preach something and call it as "your principle" people admire you but,sometimes it so happens that time may force you to look over ,what believe was your principle.This in turn irks people and let them to believe you have changed,even if you haven't in your attitude.Mostly ,you never figure out whats happening until someone says that on your face.What should i have done?.Should i have stood there trying to hold back something,that was never destined to be or should i have walked over ma decisions?.I chose the later path and like a bud ,today i find the outer petals withering off.I try to hold fast,i try to stop them from withering but ,can i stop what is bound to be.My right and your wrong (it can be vice versa too) it should have never clashed.We could have avoided this situation but,bro you never gave me time.All you did was to turn back and say out loud"YOU CHANGED" and just walk away .You never thought what i was going through .I wanted you to be a part of ma present life but,What you did was ,to make me feel miserable.You can say"I'M TELLING ALL THIS BUT,DON' FEEL SAD".What do you think I'm?A puppet?A stone?an emotionless idiot?.I know I'm too dependent on people .I thrive on people's emotions but, this as usual is a jolt to ma life .I never expected or foresee this event.I always gave you an important position in life.You said "YOU WANTED TO BE HAPPY" what about me?You didn't even bother to stop and think.I don't have any justifications to make nor do i have anything to say.FRIEND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

CrestFAllen.........

I'm devastated,broken and in a confused state.Where did i go wrong?.Right now all that is visible is the blurred screen.Makes me feel worthless,the more i try to control the more deep the cut becomes.Iv never expected this from you bro.I still can't figure out what did i do wrong.I don't consider ma self to be perfect and at this moment I'm torn between people and events.I know i may not be able to move ahead as i used to do.This is not ma past, its ma life ,this is the broken me.Its not me who never used to cry but,me who breaks open her heart to see not blood but,voidness.I don't think i can break away from responsibilities ,actions ,reactions ,frankness,laughterand tears.I'm crestfallen and i will have to come out of the very dark dungeons.