Life in 140 words

Unfair life. Expectation riding high. Disappointments galore. 

#listenup

While the world opened up to National Infertility Awareness Week (23-29 April), some of us are still having a meltdown moment on the bathroom floor, straining hard to see the sign, the second red line. Well, after 5 minutes of possibly inspecting the pee stick on every lighting condition, you sigh, or some like me having prepared for the worst, bursts out "There was supposed to be two red lines on that pee stick! WHY GOD WHY!".

Sitting on my bathroom floor, I have like every other 1 in 8, wondered, if a day would come when I will be finally blessed. Random queries from strangers on my growing 'fat belly' or pregnancy announcements from friends made matters worse. I was crumbling under the expectation that the world put on me, and I on myself.

Infertility is still a taboo subject to talk about. Over the past 1.5 years, I have heard everything from,  "oh! its's easy" to "you are not trying enough" to "you just need to breathe". I have had these sentences play in my brain in a loop over and over every month and nothing, I mean nothing, could ease the empty hollow I felt in my heart.

Infertility put a lot of stress on my relationship with the world, I was slowly turning reclusive, trying to avoid any social function where I would have to answer random strangers, and I was slowly turning into a crazy, ovulation calendar counting, nagging wife, something that I never wanted to be. Occasionally, it did turn into outbursts of  "we should have tried harder, or what is wrong with you" blame game. Infertility was consuming my life! Luckily, I'm blessed with a family that roots for me, a family that understands, a family that holds me tight.

The path is never easy, but today, I can say that I am that 1 in 8 that struggle with infertility. 

2017

💥2017💥

January gives me all sort of feels. I have had life altering events in my favorite month for the last two years. While in 2015, I got my offer letter to join an amazing organization back in my hometown ending the two-year wait join my husband after a self-imposed separation. A year later in 2016, I had to beat around G's surgery, a big chicken pox apocalypse, and a miscarriage. I am waiting with bated breath to see what January has to offer for me apart from the fact that I will be verging towards the big 30 this month. Cheers to 2017. 

Life Lately

This page here feels like barren land, of unfruitful labor of love, of heartbreaks and heart aches. It's a long wait, and an eternal struggle to find happiness.

Some days are just hard to go through and I try to calm the air by whispering sweet nothings to the heart that doesn't want to listen. 

Heart Break

You know what it feels like to have a hole in the heart? Butterflies in your tummy? Tears in your eyes? Well, you will never know!

Peace ✌

January

Its heart wrenching. Whatever happens tomorrow, I will just stop my tears from falling. I am trying to fake out this calm demeanour, but the anxiety is eating me up. Having started from nothing, to be given everything, only to be snatched away again, its a painful process that no one should go through.

I have to be strong for us, fight through the darkness to show you the beautiful dawn that you may never see again. This world is cruel, mocking you as you fall down on the knees breaking the will power as you struggle to get back up and walk with your bruised leg.

It hurts, no matter how much I try convincing myself, to pick back up and move on. Whatever be the outcome, I will stay strong for us. I go to sleep not wanting to give my heart the slightest ray of hope, I naturally assume I can be as cold hearted as I can try to be, only to be reminded that I am a mere mortal, and my heart is susceptible to the warmth called LOVE.

Lessons I learnt in 2015

1. People change, and they move on. There is no point holding back onto memories.
2. Blood is thicker than everything.
3. Life = Unpredictable! get used to it!
4. Success never comes for free.
5. The concept of True Friends do exist. It's not a lost art.

Feelings: Twitter Format

Immense sense of disappointment, feeling of void, and a pat on the back for trusting my guts, no matter how bad the outcome is! #moveon #life

Why I Deleted My FB Account

I tossed around my bed, I couldn't sleep, and the urge to scroll through my FB account was killing me. Initially, FB was just a forum for me  to be in touch with old school and college pals, to be in synch with the happenings around me, and this simple purpose grew out of control.

I realised over the course of time that  it was inevitable to curb the feelings of trying to catch up. 

There were people posting smiling pictures of their babies, while I am, at 27 years still unsure of what life has in store for me. People checking in at fancy places and going on vacations every other month, and here I was trying to fit in time for my family in between my busy schedule.

No, I can't judge someone's life based on their profile, but it surely did kill my self esteem, it made me panicky, was I taking a step back in my life? Initially, it started out as self doubt, and then it started consuming me, the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of being not able to catch up to life, NO, this was not what I signed in for!!! I couldn't sleep, I too wanted a kid, I too wanted to go for vacation, and the feeds were not helping. Why hold on to something that only gives you displeasure and unhappiness? The other day, I had a complete meltdown, unable to explain to my dear one what exactly was happening! I despised my life, the juncture I am at my life and it felt only natural to press that deactivate button.

I am not sure, if I would return to FB. I would rather be on Instagram where I have nothing to do with people I know, not until all my ex-school and college mates join the Instagram bandwagon that is!!!!!until then I am safe in that little space, posting and filtering away random pictures.

I even deleted my Watzaap account, which is irreversible unlike FB, my motive was to get rid of all the groups I was part of, cut off from contacts, being in my shell, where I felt safe and comforted.

I am in that stage of my life, where the black dog seems to make an appearance quite often, the feeling of worthlessness, and self doubt creeping up frequently. Let's see how life progresses from here.

The personal feelings are completely a round turn from what I believe professionally, in that space, nothing, I mean, nothing makes me uncomfortable and panicky. I do not compare or fill my heart with self doubt. You can ready my feelings on my professional ethos here. 
You must be wondering why I can't bring in the same values that I follow in my professional life to the personal front as well, the answer is: I have no clue!!!

Pseudo Feminist

Deepika Padukone’s “It’s My Choice” video created quite a stir, and suddenly the online world was divided into two camps. We have a section of the audience supporting the video calling it an accurate display of feminism, whereas the opposite ultra-orthodox camp lost it on the mention of the statement, “It’s my choice to have S*x inside or outside the marriage,”. We also have a minority audience, few un-woke citizens like me who couldn’t comprehend the fuzz with regards to ansimple video. First of all, I am a champion of woman empowerment and equality. I believe it’s not just the women’s job to toil in the kitchen or being stereotyped into specific roles. In a social fabric, where man and woman are both breadwinners of a family, it takes two people and many adjustments to run a house like a well-oiled machine. My idea of empowerment stops right there, I feel vulnerable and crave for affection, I expect my brother/dad/husband to drive me around, I expect answers to my questions when I am wailing like a small kid, yeah and I throw feminism through the window at these vulnerable moments.

Any form of ‘ISM’ shouldn’t be one-sided. The idea of feminism and the video itself has so many flaws, one of which is; if you have the right to come home late or have S*x outside marriage, it is equally fitting for your partner/brother/father to indulge in any of the said choices. Crying wolf is not the thing to do, nor is the divorce; it’s their choice too, remember?. Anything a woman/girl can do because it’s her choice, the man/boy should also be able to make cause choice is a self-indulgent term.

I agree that I am a pseudo-feminist, conveniently twisting the term to suit my idea of feminism. It’s my CHOICE!!!

The controversial video:

North East trip

Our travels are jinxed, somehow we end up deciding and packing at the nth moment. This trip was no better, we had booked flight tickets 4 months prior, but never got around deciding our itinerary. 1 week before, I went into panic mode, did a little bit of research and came up with a "Iv got 7 days, I will cover 7 states" itinerary. When I shared the itinerary, my friend (thanks Mayurika!!) gasped in horror, with her arched eyebrows and twisted lips, she asked me one simple question, "So how are you planning to travel?". The very simple question led to more frantic calls and finally we decided on a light weight touristy trip. The trip was for 7 days, and the budget was somewhere close to 50,000 for 2 people. I wanted to share some pointers with you guys, in case any of you decide to travel to NE.

• Transport: This will eat up your budget, its costly unlike other cities. You can cut down the cost by hiring a shared cab. Renting out a cab can be very very costly.
• City vehicle movement: Most of the city borders close by around 6-8 pm and no vehicles are allowed to pass after. So, plan your trips accordingly.
• Start early: In NE, start early if your are planning to visit any place as sun rises pretty early, and sets pretty quick. Also, I overheard one driver say that after 4 pm, BRD doesn't clear the road blockages caused due to landslides.
• ILP: When we decided to travel to Arunachal, little did we know that we would have to get ILP, even if we are Indian citizens. Seems, ILP is a must if you are visiting borders.You can get ILP from any travel agent and that reminds me of the next pointer.
• ID Proofs: Carry you original ID proof, xerox copies and few passport size photos. This would be useful while registering for ILPs and also there will be ID proof verification in most of the border areas.
• Madrasi: A small pet peeve of mine, being called Madrasi. Well, I am not one as I come from Malluland (Kerala) and no, I won't respond to your vanakam (In Malayam, it is namaskaram). I was called Madrasi atleast 4-5 times during the trip. We finally had to convince the person-a-la chakde style "If we call a Sikkimese guy, Manipuri, how will he feel?". Silence on the other side and there after, no further Chennai express talks.
• Smoking and spitting: What's with the mountains and smoking habits?. Every where I could see people smoking packets and packets of cigars. Our driver finished 2 packets of cigars during our 4 hour journey!!!. I saw school kids catching smoke on the school roof. Another sad habit is thamabakoo usage and spitting.

• Men in uniform: If you need to feel patriotic, this is a good place to start with. Be ready to see, men in uniform every 2 secs,are everywhere. You can see a military camp within every Km.
• Queue: People patiently wait in queues for the army trucks to pass through the other side, no overtaking, no honking, no swear words, nothing. They just wait there in queue patiently, something that rest of the India should learn from (I am looking at you, Bangalore!!).
• Warm smiles: I love the warm smile on the face of certain state people. Sorry to say this, but I felt Assam (Guwahati) was very rude to us, very rude!!!!!
• Food: Nom nom, my favorite part. If you are a non-veggie, you would love this place and if you are a veg, you too would love this place. The NE food mainly consists of a soup base, with lot of boiled veggies and chicken shreds. The food is non-spicy, but extremely healthy and tasty. I survived on soup for whole 7 days. I have had so much NE food in the 7 days that I would not dare to touch Indochinese (NE) food for the next 3-4 months.
• Cleanliness: Places are clean, neat and well maintained. Spitting is banned in Sikkim and the city is extremely well kept and self sufficient. Public loos are very well maintained.
• Shopping: All the shops and other places close by around 7-8 pm. Make sure you have your dinner early. Sikkim and Guwahati offers multitude of options for the travelers to purchase curios and handicrafts indigenous to the area. I am happy to report that like rest of India, bargaining works here too.

Comparison: The good, the bad and the ugly

There is a lot done and said on last day's incident (by the time this post is published, it would be almost 3 months) which spiraled out of control. This set me thinking about the concept of jealousy and comparison. 

Was there even a tinge of jealousy that circled in that conference room that day?. Well, disappointment sure did make its rounds. I was disappointed cause I had given my heart a chance to expect. May be, it did show on my face, but I was a quick sport to congratulate the winners (my brain asked my heart to stop feeling bad and do what is required, I remember that moment just like yesterday). My parents have always taught me to excel; not by comparing myself with another individual, but with my own older version. My brother on the other hand believes that comparison helps one grow (it did work for him). According to me, comparison breeds insecurity and unhappiness, why waste time and energy on someone else's achievements?. I have always ensured that year on year, I surpass my previous achievements. I'm happy in my space and don't want to risk my happiness. When my manager spoke to me personally about selecting a person from a pool of four for an award and how comparison plays an important role, I shared my view points on the same. Why compare two people who are not even at the same level?. The result will always be one-sided. Why don't you compare that person's achievement with his on her responsibilities first. If my work is quantified as X, and I have gone extra miles to achieve X+2 and the other person work is Y and he has performed Y+3, by all the means the other person is far more deserving for a recognition than I am.  If there is a tie in the first instance, then compare on whose achievement was a better value addition to the organization. It's not right to expect two people, completely on different spectrum to be compared with each other as the opportunities and responsibilities they handle differ. I feel so disturbed by the recent turn of events, where I feel all my actions are painted in a different color. Am I jealous for that matter at x, y, or z for doing better than me?. Why would I be?. I am only my own nemesis, my own source of inspiration, my own benchmark. I am not jealous at anyone professionally, as I am happy and content in my own space. Only when someone fails to acknowledge the effort I put in, I come out and speak. I love recognition and there is no doubt about that. I would definitely be competing against my current achievements for the next quarter.

The story doesn't end here. Three months after penning this down in my journal, I have resigned from my present organization. I am looking forward to my big move, painting my life with love, and spending an eternity with love of my life. After 2 years of struggle, I can see a dim ray of hope, one that is a result of tough decisions.

Goodbye

Dear Friend.

Wishing you the very best for your life ahead. You have drifted off to a place, where I don't intend to follow you to. We all have different tastes, different perspective of life and friendship. I don't want to trust my ears, cause they can feed you with most negative of thoughts. You will be forever in the right place in my heart and our friendship will be cherished. 

Goodbye and good luck.

2015

I have been going through the evolution chart of this blog, from an 18 year old's rambling about finding a perfect guy to falling in love, I have come a long way to a more brooding-unhappy-dark-fatter version of myself. The posts are more depressing as my age progresses. I look back and laugh uncontrollably at that silly 18 year old who had her priorities screwed up, who found happiness in small things, whose primary motto in life was to be HAPPY. Fast forward years later, I am still in search of happiness, but in a more polished form, materialistic, professional and personal. When I find the void too deep to fill in, I turn to my blog to carve out utter non-sense. 

Getting up in the morning to get ready for the office has now become a struggle. I have this little theory of mine" The moment you find your job a chore, it's time to move on". I am not happy, I used to strive for profession happiness at the cost of personal happiness, and 2015 stuck me with a huge realization that though I might be successful in finding another job that gives me happiness, the lost time with my loved ones is irreversible. 

I am becoming more and more frustrated to a point where "nothing really matters". I love my profession, but the "JOB" not so much.

Unhappiness

There is way too much going on in my life, some of which has no answers or reasonable approach to solving. I have been brought up in a very caring and loving family environment, so much so that, I have a delusional view of the concept of family. Me and my brother had equal roles to play, there was no special preference to the male gender in the house and I have always seen my dad helping my mom with the household chores. They are partners in the institution of marriage. I have been married off to a very polarized family, the one that only dwells on degrees and status; where love and care does not even waft through the air and personal growth is only through comparison. Sometimes, I feel trapped, forced to excel above my sis-in-law cause she is much better (as my father in law puts across) even if I don't want to. I can't grow ahead in career cause their son needs someone to take care of his life. Ooh well, she is earning X lakhs and you, you better sit at home cause anyways you need to take a break in the future. I am just tired!!!pleasing people, trying to put a fake smile. The feeling just got worse as my little brother went to say goodbye to my in-laws before leaving for INA (Indian Naval Academy). Its a pathetic job according to my in-laws (serving the country that is). I was furious at this said statement, why can't they for once be happy about someone?. No!!! well they dwell on unhappiness. I would turn crazy if I have to deal with such negative souls day in and day out. Dear lord, please do listen to my prayers....

They say when two individuals marry, the families too are bonded for eternity, a statement my family overlooked for the perfect track record of the guy who loves me to the moon and beyond, after all it's difficult to get a well educated, good-looking, near to perfect character guy. The events that occurred post my wedding, the one that is still happening is so emotionally draining. If you see, my in-laws are not bad human beings, but their life choices and influences are much different from mine. I need love, care, compassion, and good laughs and not high level contacts, competition, money, and status to walk though bed of thrones. I don't understand why people need to pull you down, telling you that you will not be able to do a certain thing. I am not such a person, and I would like to ward of such negativeness from my life.

When darkness falls

A point will come, when neither your satisfied professionally nor personally. The high price of loosing the fine balancing thread is what I am paying right now and that too with my life. My head has been so bruised by the happenings around that I would want to go somewhere far far away, and dump all my sorrows. Life is not easy, nor did I expect it to be, but the circumstances for survival is becoming grim. There comes a point in everyone's life, where they feel "enough is enough". I am threading through that line. Somewhere deep within I know that quitting is definitely not one of my traits and going through the immense pressure every single day, without a helping hand is also not one of my finest traits.

Deep exhale and move on, but where to? certainly your are playing with my sensitive side, certainly you are wounding my pride, certainly I would love to disappear into thin air.

Its all becoming too hard to handle, too difficult to understand, too fogy to see past. Life this year was at an all time low. The tears and the random bouts of sadness engulfing me and turning my heart all black, I watched myself being consumed by pain and the saddest part?. I couldn't do anything about it. For once I held on to the rope that I believed would be my salvation rope, but alas only fools believe in miracles. I am drowning in the pit of black sand, trying desperately to get out, only to feel my legs being vigorously pulled back in.

I am

I am misunderstood, I am stereotyped, I am healthy, I am flimsy, I am a cry-baby, I am a sister, daughter and wife. I am a woman!!!

Life is going on smooth, or more or so I like to believe, but job-hunting is probability eating up my sanity. I am looking forward to my two year anniversary. I spent my free-time either dancing my worries away or swimming through the ocean called YouTube. I love watching rains from indoors, but getting wet and dirty, well 'No thanks !!!'.

I feel, life is too short to learn all that you can grasp and after 25, the brain activity kinda slows down. I repeat the statements multiple times just so that I don't scribble anything stupid for the people around me to laugh at. I would love to write CAT one more time. I can't explain the high I get while solving Math problems.

Hair color, I love long tresses with slight ombre or pale highlights. I so wish I had Rapunzel-like hair, well coming back to reality, only extra deep conditioning makes my hair look like they are ready not to catch fire.

I love Makeup. I shouldn't be saying this, especially for someone who used to advocate natural beauty and blah blah. At least I m not advocating plastic surgery!!!Stop the hatred right there, if you have undergone plastic surgery, no hard feeling because I feel It's a personal choice. I don't get up everyday looking like a hindi-serial actress, no I have my sad-dull-depressing days when I would be wishing for a tucked chin pouch, but then there are ooh-so-awesome days when I would be loving everything about me. Makeup is just a tool to enhance once natural beauty, to make once feature standout. I feel empowered, strong, and feminine at the same time. I am a  strong advocate of letting your skin shine through. Makeup should be only used as a tool and not something you can hide behind.

I love my friends, few who I interact on a day to day basis, few whom I don't keep in touch with, and a few who don't the other way around. Well, I have very few close friends. The ones I can call at the middle of the night, well nonexistent. In spite of my social awkwardness there are people I cherish, for whom I will wage a war, or lay out my life and yeah no prize for guessing, that's my FAMILY.

Well, now I feel light hearted. This post is a puzzle of sort, a perfect concoction of my thoughts. 

Workplace dilemma

The second family with whom I spend my 5 x 9 hours a week has given me an amazing bunch of friends. It has also taught me a bit about office politics, dynamics, and physics. What I also learnt is where to draw a line when it comes to personal interference. In every office, there is this one person whom you wouldn't get along with. The reason can be as silly as 'I don't like how he/she looks' to more serious ones like workplace harassment. What I have learnt over the years is that, if not warranted or requested, keep the advice and suggestion to oneself. It would save you from embarrassment and save your friendship. 

I have been facing a peculiar problem in my workplace over the past 6 months. Comments that are supposedly harmless are being frequented at me and after a while they are not harmless anymore. They are plain annoying. Usually, I defer from strong reactions to balance out workplace ethics, but so it seems someone needs a whole lesson and more more on that topic. Passing a comments over ones weight or marriage is not part of team bonding activity, it is one such activity that should be kept in the heart and not let slip through the tongue. I am a very sensitive person and take offence in personal comments, but still choose to ignore. Come a point even the snake spits venom from its fangs and right now I am on the verge of doing exactly that. A direct confrontation is not something that I would prefer, but I have no choice left.

Have you faced such a scenario in your workplace?. How do you deal with such situations?

Happiness is

After coming across, tons of posts in FB on 'HAPPINESS IS' I have decided to pen down my own little version.

So, HAPPINESS IS:

• Watching my hubby smile.
• A perfect-hot cup of tea in the morning.
• Talking to my parents.
• Shopping with mom.
• Preparing food for hubby.
• The smell of tadka.
• Reading Cosmopolitan.
• Watching the rain.
• Weekend travel to home.
• Perfect hair day.
• The perfect smokey eye.
• The first ray of sun on my face.
• A good night's sleep.
• A good facial.
• Running
• Wind in my hair.
• Bike rides.
• To find that the old clothes fit me perfectly.
• Yummy dessert.
• Gossiping with my friends.
• Compliments.
• Listening to Shaan's Ghumsum ho kyom
• Writing.
• Job.
• Smelling the freshly laundered folded clothes.
• Arranging my dresser.

There you go, a perfect blend of simplicity and materialistic pleasures. Sound very ME.

Frustrated mind

May be because I am born a woman, sacrifices are expected of me. I have figured that though how much ever you are taught about equality by your parents, you end up in a jungle full of prejudice and chauvinism. I see a stark contrast in what is expected from me and what I want for myself. They are not necessarily the same. I don't harbor soft feeling to the righteous woman tag either. A woman may be a good multi-tasker, but it doesn't mean she is happy juggling different roles. Sometimes the norms make me wanna run of to some distant place with no man species to cause ripples in my mental palace. 

I have to let everything go, the ones I strive for, as one by one I have seen my dreams shatter. People want me to become something I cannot fathom myself to be. I am not a domesticated animal who obeys his master and when I dare to question "If me, why not him" they sush me off, saying that's how it's always be. I don't get it! I am tired, high on cetrazine, pulling up my warm saley jacket, wishing if things would change. I see no escape route, and things are meant to be this way.  

This picture has no relevance whatsoever to this topic, but see how the whole scene is so calm and so serene?. Rather than the whale of turbulence hitting ashore, wish my mind was little something like the emotions depicted in this picture.