Life in 140 words

Unfair life. Expectation riding high. Disappointments galore. 

#listenup

While the world opened up to National Infertility Awareness Week (23-29 April), some of us are still having a meltdown moment on the bathroom floor, straining hard to see the sign, the second red line. Well, after 5 minutes of possibly inspecting the pee stick on every lighting condition, you sigh, or some like me having prepared for the worst, bursts out "There was supposed to be two red lines on that pee stick! WHY GOD WHY!".

Sitting on my bathroom floor, I have like every other 1 in 8, wondered, if a day would come when I will be finally blessed. Random queries from strangers on my growing 'fat belly' or pregnancy announcements from friends made matters worse. I was crumbling under the expectation that the world put on me, and I on myself.

Infertility is still a taboo subject to talk about. Over the past 1.5 years, I have heard everything from,  "oh! its's easy" to "you are not trying enough" to "you just need to breathe". I have had these sentences play in my brain in a loop over and over every month and nothing, I mean nothing, could ease the empty hollow I felt in my heart.

Infertility put a lot of stress on my relationship with the world, I was slowly turning reclusive, trying to avoid any social function where I would have to answer random strangers, and I was slowly turning into a crazy, ovulation calendar counting, nagging wife, something that I never wanted to be. Occasionally, it did turn into outbursts of  "we should have tried harder, or what is wrong with you" blame game. Infertility was consuming my life! Luckily, I'm blessed with a family that roots for me, a family that understands, a family that holds me tight.

The path is never easy, but today, I can say that I am that 1 in 8 that struggle with infertility. 

2017

💥2017💥

January gives me all sort of feels. I have had life altering events in my favorite month for the last two years. While in 2015, I got my offer letter to join an amazing organization back in my hometown ending the two-year wait join my husband after a self-imposed separation. A year later in 2016, I had to beat around G's surgery, a big chicken pox apocalypse, and a miscarriage. I am waiting with bated breath to see what January has to offer for me apart from the fact that I will be verging towards the big 30 this month. Cheers to 2017. 

Life Lately

This page here feels like barren land, of unfruitful labor of love, of heartbreaks and heart aches. It's a long wait, and an eternal struggle to find happiness.

Some days are just hard to go through and I try to calm the air by whispering sweet nothings to the heart that doesn't want to listen. 

Heart Break

You know what it feels like to have a hole in the heart? Butterflies in your tummy? Tears in your eyes? Well, you will never know!

Peace ✌

January

Its heart wrenching. Whatever happens tomorrow, I will just stop my tears from falling. I am trying to fake out this calm demeanour, but the anxiety is eating me up. Having started from nothing, to be given everything, only to be snatched away again, its a painful process that no one should go through.

I have to be strong for us, fight through the darkness to show you the beautiful dawn that you may never see again. This world is cruel, mocking you as you fall down on the knees breaking the will power as you struggle to get back up and walk with your bruised leg.

It hurts, no matter how much I try convincing myself, to pick back up and move on. Whatever be the outcome, I will stay strong for us. I go to sleep not wanting to give my heart the slightest ray of hope, I naturally assume I can be as cold hearted as I can try to be, only to be reminded that I am a mere mortal, and my heart is susceptible to the warmth called LOVE.

Lessons I learnt in 2015

1. People change, and they move on. There is no point holding back onto memories.
2. Blood is thicker than everything.
3. Life = Unpredictable! get used to it!
4. Success never comes for free.
5. The concept of True Friends do exist. It's not a lost art.